Argument with MIL

[helpme7]

MIL has just come over to see us. For background, DH is one of three kids, he's the middle child and very much suffers from middle child syndrome. The sister is the golden child (eldest) and they do a lot for her. DH always goes on about it and a few years ago his aunt confirmed that he was not wanted and everyone has always noticed he's treated differently. It is quite obvious.

Anyway, over lunch I made a joke - she said how we shouldn't do something, and I said "but [DH sister] did it" and she flipped. She said she's had enough of me and thinks I'm a "cow" and that I give DH bullets and encourage him to feel less loved / hard done by.

He stayed quiet saying he didn't want the confrontation.

I am upset. This isn't true. I have my own reasons for disliking MiL (for example if I gain weight she will comment, thinks anyone above an 8 is fat and lazy etc, she's also very rude behind my back about my parents), but DH is the one who has always said to me he feels inadequate.

I don't know what to do. I feel so upset and angry.

No kids FWIW

Why do you allow her to keep visiting, OP? I can see the point of letting a lot of inlaw crap float past you without being bothered by it. But your MIL is going way beyond irritating.

She has actually insulted you to your face in your own home -- and that's after a lot of other lower-level abuse. No matter how conciliatory your DH is, he must not let that pass. Nor should you.

I presume she's gone home by now. So make it clear to DH that she is not to come back. You don't need her and you owe her nothing.

My sister cleans aggressively when she falls out with anyone. It's her way of demonstrating how much "better" she is than anyone else. If she's in the house of the person she has fallen out with, all the better.

You do realise that her "having" to clean your kitchen because of what a slattern you are is going to be told to everyone along with how nasty you were to her, don't you? It's all bullshit, obviously, but you are giving her way too much ammunition here.

Kick her out and send her middle son to sleep on her sofa.
DH does have a big problem- he has no backbone.
Staying quiet while his mother calls his wife!!!

She should not interfere or call you a cow, but I don't think it is necessarily helpful if you encourage your husband to feel hard done by either.

It is horrible for a child to be overlooked in a family, I agree. But parents are only human and having three children so close in age must have been extremely hard. So the quiet children are usually overlooked because the others are constantly demanding attention.

@GrumpyHoonMain nothing I said was rude. The point was that she said we were stupid to go on holiday. The ONLY person we both know who did it and it was fine is her daughter, so I used it as an INNOCENT comparison.

@P**@PanamaPattie she came over, saw our kitchen had a dirty oven (we are moving soon to new house) and took over. So I'm letting her get on with it. I have no support from DH, he had gone out to the shop. I'm not strong enough in the slightest to ask her to leave

Time the other half grew up and got rid of any hang ups.
Don’t invite her round but send him to visit his family alone.
No kids to worry about so keep your distance

Hang on. So she called you a cow and then just went out and cleaned your oven?

And you’re, what? Sitting in a different room?

Have you posted about this before?

I would like to see I don't encourage it. I am sometimes more perceptive to it but don't point it out.
For example, everyone in his family met up for Christmas and didn't invite him (or me) - there was an argument following that.

DH has been quite horrible after it. Said I should have answered back and stood up for myself (I tried but I just cried because I'm pathetic)

He doesn't even respond to his mother's texts, I do. I am always trying to help their relationship. They used to be in a terrible place when I met him and it's greatly improved. I felt so disrespected.

Your husband's aunt is a right stirrer, isn't she?

Being the least preferred child isn't easy to just "get over" because it's an ongoing problem. My parents are like this with me, and would absolutely see my sister having a holiday (any holiday, regardless of when) as being totally fine, but would be outraged if I did the same. It's "not for the likes of me" you see.

The OP's husband needs to stand up to his mother, but what he is dealing with is very difficult. My parents have been truly revolting to my husband but I've never just let them get away with it, that doesn't mean that they aren't still causing damage.

Sounds like you’re forcing DH to have her in his life, and then fighting with him because he won’t fight with her!

Just leave it alone. If he isn’t texting, you shouldn’t be either.

Why are you trying to force their relationship?

I don't think you said anything rude at all if it went like this:

You: blah blah house blah blah holiday 2 weeks later
Her: Holiday two weeks later!! Why are you doing that? You should be saving!! That's foolish!
You: Well, SiL is going on holiday 2 weeks after her house closes. Why shouldn't we? It's already paid for.
Her: Blah blah cow, blah blah, blah blah bullets.

BUT if your comment was more along the lines of "SiL is doing it, but of course she can do no wrong and DH can do no right", then you were just asking for her to explode.

I sort of feel that a person's relationship with a family member is their own business (unless children are involved). If your DH isn't going to stand up to his mother, if he decides to put up with the unequal treatment, that's his business. But I'd make it clear that I wasn't going to be around to hear it AND I'd also tell them that I don't want to hear them complain.

She had unprotected sex. She chose to continue the pregnancy, she chose to stay with fil. She's blaming her child for her choices. If possible a calm but frank conversation needs to be had. Dh may not like confrontation but this is never going to change if not discussed. We had to it when my mil was paying off sil debts and asking us for money so she could visit us !!!

I'll get flamed for this, but you deserve all you get.

He doesn't want a relationship with her. You think he should, so you facilitate it. If you let him take the lead with his own fucking mother, none of this would be happening. You want her there, not him. She's right, you are a cow by making the poor bloke have to deal with a verminous cretin because you feel all worthy.

If you can't face kicking her out, then let him not invite her again. I'm sure he'll be fine about that.

Have a better life, the two of you. It's there if you let it.

Urgh kick her out and cut them off fgs.

He doesn't even respond to his mother's texts, I do. I am always trying to help their relationship. They used to be in a terrible place when I met him and it's greatly improved. I felt so disrespected.

I think that you made a mistake trying to mend their relationship.
Why did you want to?

And why do you feel disrespected. Why didn't you just support your DH in not having a relationship with her?

It's not working and you cannot change her.

I know this isn't the point, but I am one of four and three of us were accidents! It doesn't necessarily make a difference to how much a child is loved.

However, she sounds like a cow herself and I would be dialling back on any contact quite considerably if she can't behave herself.

@AcrossthePond55 definitely the first!! When I said I needed a break and a holiday was a good idea she said "oh don't say that crap you're meant to be highly intelligent"

I would go shit or bust OP...sit her and dh round the table with a coffee each and blow the whole lot apart...ask her why? why everything and be calm ,state facts and dont let your husband get away with sitting there dumb and silent.Time the air was cleared with all of you then hopefully after a bit of soul searching and home truths from both sides you can all move on one way or the other...dont leave it all hanging..

@trunkysaurus no you're wrong - he does want the relationship. He constantly seeks her approval for everything. He just can never be bothered to text her back or deal with anything.

I also do everything so when it comes to our house purchase she will call me because he won't know the answer as he just can't be bothered to involve himself in anything that could be stressful

I just saw the update. This is their problem, they need to talk it through, you can't do it for him, or force it when he's clearly not wanting to, don't let if infect your relationship with him. I don't know what his aunt thought she was doing, but from what you say, it's caused dh a lot of pain. I wonder if his mother knows what he's been told. This is so sad.

I also think going forward you both have to not be so involved.She doesnt need to know everything you do or why ..its not her business.Step back and tell her only what you want her to know .

Jeez - let her finish cleaning then kick her out. And tell her you waited for her to finish cleaning to make yourself feel better!

Why are you putting up with this? It's clearly not going to change.