Argument with MIL

[helpme7]

MIL has just come over to see us. For background, DH is one of three kids, he's the middle child and very much suffers from middle child syndrome. The sister is the golden child (eldest) and they do a lot for her. DH always goes on about it and a few years ago his aunt confirmed that he was not wanted and everyone has always noticed he's treated differently. It is quite obvious.

Anyway, over lunch I made a joke - she said how we shouldn't do something, and I said "but [DH sister] did it" and she flipped. She said she's had enough of me and thinks I'm a "cow" and that I give DH bullets and encourage him to feel less loved / hard done by.

He stayed quiet saying he didn't want the confrontation.

I am upset. This isn't true. I have my own reasons for disliking MiL (for example if I gain weight she will comment, thinks anyone above an 8 is fat and lazy etc, she's also very rude behind my back about my parents), but DH is the one who has always said to me he feels inadequate.

I don't know what to do. I feel so upset and angry.

No kids FWIW

Your husband sounds ever so slightly......pathetic, I'm afraid to say.

He doesn't have your back does he?

There are two issues here, mil and you/dh and our dh.

I'm a middle child and middle child syndrome does exist, well it did for me.
My middle child has said the same, but of course I was aware of it and always assured him how much I love him.
None of our children were planned and the aunt was out of order, I hope you told him this.
Mil has her problems but you really don't know that he wasn't wanted or loved.

Mil sounds horrible and personally I would keep my distance, you don't need nasty people in your life.

My dh doesn't deal with all that. He's very clever but show him a household bill or a bank statement he panics. He just applied for a credit card and made me sit with him while he did it, he's nearly 50 !!!! Anyway just let him get on with it. If he asks for help or advice stay as neutral as you can.

Sounds like your joke may have come on the back of many if your mil lost her temper over it. I guess if you are getting digs in about this every time you visit it’s just getting a bit tedious? If your DH has an issue about the way he is treated he needs to confront the situation himself, otherwise it might sound like you’re the one with the issue whilst he doesn’t really care. If my dm was not treating me right I would discuss it with her and definitely not leave it to my DH to intervene.

What’s your relationship like with your own parents?

His (dysfunctional) relationship with his (horrible) mother is his responsibility. You have no place telling him to reply to her messages. Why do you that? He’s 31. Well old enough to decide whether or not to communicate with her, and how. It’s up to you if you’re willing to be insulted in your own home, never mind clean your kitchen That’s not a win in my book, it’s another judgement of you.

Do people really feel so strongly about not being planned? I was definitely an accident, one that resulted in the cancellation of my parent's big fancy white wedding in fabulous of a low key shotgun affair, to ensure the Catholic grandparents weren't mortified that I'd been born out of wedlock. I couldn't give a fig, not my fault! Also my parent's choice to bow down to the ridiculous archaic notions of my grandparents. If they were that sure they needed to be married before babies they should've been more careful. My brother is two years younger and very much planned, they wanted the two year age gap etc etc. Genuinely has no impact on me whatsoever.

@helpme7

Well, then she was way out of line. That was a personal insult against you, not just a comment on how you and DH spend your money vs SiL & her money.

Personally, I stand by what I said in my PP. If DH wants a relationship with the besom, that's fine and dandy. He's an adult that's up to him. But I would make it abundantly clear that I wasn't going to aid and abet him by being around when she came over nor will I be a captive audience to his complaints when she leaves.

Your husband also sounds a bit self indulgent/poor me. Doesn't want to do any house admin in case it's stressful, doesn't want to stand up to his mother (but ready to have a pop at you for the same), thinks his siblings are preferred over him. I couldn't be attracted to this type of character.

The aunt is a bit of a shit for telling him that for starters. No need. I also think that middle child syndrome is bollocks, although favouritism exists.

OP, if she spoke to me like that in my house she'd be out on her ear. And she wouldn't be coming back again.

Your husband also sounds a bit self indulgent/poor me. Doesn't want to do any house admin in case it's stressful, doesn't want to stand up to his mother (but ready to have a pop at you for the same), thinks his siblings are preferred over him. I couldn't be attracted to this type of character.

I agree. He sounds pretty over sensitive and quick to feel victimised or hard done to.

DH has been quite horrible after it. Said I should have answered back and stood up for myself (I tried but I just cried because I'm pathetic)

Typical response of the man with no guts. He knows well that if you defend yourself they will eat you alive but doesn’t want to upset mummy by defending you himself so much easier for him to let yourself be the upset one and blaming you for not defending yourself.

Middle child here as well, with nasty mum and nastier MIL. My advice is to avoid the MIL altogether, he may complain but the dynamics of the relationship with his mum are what he is used to and wants to keep. The less contact you have with her, the less problems you will have with your husband, he has already shown you that when it comes to his mum, he doesn’t have your back.

And by carrying on regardless and cleaning your kitchen, she isn't doing you a favour. She may as well have cocked her leg against your oven. She's saying she's the boss and you should know your place. I would have physically removed her if I had to.

And stop answering her texts if that's how she treats you.

If he wants the relationship then he has to deal with her. Stop back from communication with her OP.

So OP you’ve landed a man child who has mummy issues.

Stop answering her texts.
Your a grown woman who is his mothers equal. If she starts talking shit to you - talk shit back.

You better start standing up for your self because when kids come along it’s gonna be a whole lot worse.

Also - you shouldn’t be letting her tidy your kitchen up. She’s not your mother. Assert yourself in your own home

It’s none of her business. You don’t need her approval.

Why are you getting involved in his mother issues?
He doesn’t like his mum , no mention of his dad and has a strained relationship with his golden child sister
You don’t like his mum either
So why are you getting so involved in this unhealthy dynamic? You realise you will never be able to fix them ?
Whether you admit it or not you and your DH have your own issues, confidence , low self esteem, he doesn’t put you first , I think you need to tell his mum you will not be spoke to like that
You need to take a step back and look after yourselves & your own home & relationship
Stop giving his family more of your time & consideration

Just to clear up some things

• my relationship with my parents is close. We live where we do because it's a great commuter town but also because we are close to my mum. DH loves my mum.

MIL gets jealous and says things such as "well you've told helpme7's mum!" When we haven't...

• I have already said I'm done with her and going to withdraw myself

• DH has apologised. This happened when we went out for a bite to eat, he said he felt uncomfortable that she started it in a restaurant. Respects I don't want to be involved with her anymore and said that he will speak to her about calling me a cow.

I think it might be a good idea for you to read a book called "Toxic In-Laws" and for your DH to read "Toxic Parents", both by Susan Forward.

You have experience of a loving family, and that probably is why you hoped to mend your DH's relationship with his family so he could, eventually, experience the same as you. But that hardly ever works. A lot of people have had to face the fact that their family is nothing but heartache.

It's good that you've decided to completely disengage with her. I don't think it's worth your DH speaking to her about her behaviour - she'd only put the blame on you anyway.

It is horrible to have that final realisation that some people, like your MiL, are just plain nasty. I hope you and your DH can get a break from all that to figure out how to have a much more peaceful future.

you don't need to have any contact with her. If she contacts you, calls or texts just refer her to your DH. And tell him that from now on all contact with his mother is his responsibilty