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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed at DH. Should I cut my losses?

129 replies

Minnildn · 07/03/2020 12:17

DH and I married about 1.5 years ago. I moved 2+ hours to be with him (his mother lives with him too)
My job dictated that I travel back to hometown 2/3 days a week so spent this time away from him.
Things were going well until late last yr when we went on a family trip. Me, DH, MIL and my mum.
A massive row broke out between my MIL and mother. I did my best to stay out of it. DH got involved though and was very loud and rude to my mum.

MIL said some hurtful things about me too and DH did not once step in and stand up for me.

After this, he completely ignored me and my mum. We spent the rest of the trip as 2 seperate parties essentially.
DH and mum haven't spoken for almost 6 months.

When we returned he told me I'd not been giving the marriage my full attention as I'm working away so much and I'm not willing to have kids (not the case). I suspect these are MILs words because we've never discussed this being an issue before.

Anyway, to remedy what I thought were his concerns, I stopped travelling up to my hometown and subsequently lost my job.

We also started trying for a baby.

I fell pregnant about 2 months ago but I've just had a miscarriage.

He has been very little support during this whole process. He'll be there for the appointments etc but there's no care or compassion from him towards me. He'll never just drop me a text during the day to see if I'm doing ok. He'll never offer help with chores knowing what I'm going through.

I'm contemplating if I'm making a big mistake by wanting a family with him. Should I cut my losses?

OP posts:
ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 07/03/2020 14:40

So sorry for your loss OP. Definitely cut your losses. If this is what he’s like now he’s going to be worse if and when you have a child. You deserve so much better than this selfish mummy’s boy.

LagunaBubbles · 07/03/2020 14:43

Don't let anyone treat you, your mother or your baby badly. You mean something!!!

I don't normally get quite so annoyed at people not reading the thread, or at least the OPs posts. There isn't a baby, she had a miscarriage

Waveysnail · 07/03/2020 14:45

Leave

CheesyWeez · 07/03/2020 14:50

Your mum will be very pleased to see you back. She is probably worried about you.

It is your DH who has given up on the marriage so soon. You have made these massive commitments of moving, giving up the job, trying for a baby. And he was not even sympathetic during a miscarriage, and shouted at your mum, and allowed his mum to shout too?
You have really tried very hard and he has not.

You can cite these reasons on a divorce application. They are totally unreasonable behaviours.

I'd go back to your home town, take time to recover from your loss. Ask at your old work if they would have you back. Have a good think, see a solicitor, if you can't face DH then just have the solicitor send the papers.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I was in a similar situation when I married the first time. I thought I had so much love that I could make the marriage work no matter what - but if there's not enough love coming back to you then it is just exhausting and can't be sustained.

Good luck and be kind to yourself

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 07/03/2020 14:50

OP I've skip read the thread
I don't often comment on threads like this
But to me it's clear here - go with your heart/your gut feeling
Don't post rationalise
Leave him
I had a friend who split up with her husband after a year of marriage, never explained why, none of us judged her - we only care about her happiness
She's remarried, happy, has a baby boy
Please look after yourself x

Winterwoollies · 07/03/2020 14:50

He sounds like a toxic, abusive mummy’s boy. Cut and run. Far away.

BobbyBlueCat · 07/03/2020 14:55

"He probably still carries baggage from seeing his mum abused like that."

And you thought it right to do the same to YOUR child?

He may not be physically abusive, but you've lost your job because of him, your mum and him don't speak, you are now financially dependant on him and you have a fractured relationship with his mum.

Don't mess up a child's life like this.

VenusTiger · 07/03/2020 15:17

You're essentially married to his mother. Leave.
I realise how hurtful it must have been when he didn't stick up for you during the holiday argument, but did you stick up for your mom? It sounds like his mother dictates all, and if a baby is in the mix it'll be hell for you!
If I were you, I'd go back home OP and get your job and life back.

Shinycat · 07/03/2020 15:18

@Minnildn WOW almost unanimous on here! YANBU at all, he sounds utterly vile.

LTB now. You deserve better. And so does your mother. As a number of posters have said, your DH will ALWAYS put his mother before you.

Also, why on earth are you going on holiday with his mother, and your mother? Bit weird IMO.

Not being funny, but shit like this makes me glad that me and DH have nothing to do with our DCs partners families. I mean, we have met several times, and say 'hi' if we cross paths, but never ever socialise, and would rather jump out of an airplane with no parachute than go on holiday with them.

Don't want to even socialise with them. We have seen them 3-4 times in the last 3 years, and the last time was mid 2018, and this is the way we want it. And they seem happy with it too. Very weird to have a relationship with your DCs partners family IMO. I think it's a recipe for disaster.

Have to say, I am worried for you, because I don't think you will leave, you will try for another baby, and this awful man and his equally awful mother will control and dominate you.

PLEASE leave him. Even if it means going back to your mother for a bit til you get on your feet. Do NOT have a baby with this man. He is vile.

VenusTiger · 07/03/2020 15:20

@LagunaBubbles the pp is obviously referring to OP's future if she stays!

Sizeofalentil · 07/03/2020 15:25

I'd suggest you seek marriage counselling and see if you can resolve any of these issues and if he's prepared to change.

FallonSwift · 07/03/2020 15:45

I bet if you called your Mum and asked if you could stay with her because you wanted to file for divorce, she'd probably sob with relief and help you pack.

Don't look at it as 1.5 years wasted - it's a lesson and you've gained valuable experience from it. You will have better boundaries and therefore are much more likely to find a better relationship.

Namechange32H · 07/03/2020 15:50

Normal to feel sad - people still feel sad when they leave relationships with extreme dv etc - but you need to end this now. Definitely don’t have a child with this man. Aside from his behaviour, imagine how interfering his mother would be (and probably very critical of your parenting).
I think you’re right to leave.
Sorry for your loss

maddening · 07/03/2020 16:00

What was your job before? How easy is it to get back in to? Is there any training you would like to do? If so perhaps use time while supported by husband to knock out a couple of courses and qualifications? Can you get any work in the meantime where you live currently so you can prep for leaving.
While he is unpleasant if you are safe I would play it to make sure that I was leaving in a good position.

maddening · 07/03/2020 16:01

Ps what was the row about on the holiday?

madcatladyforever · 07/03/2020 16:13

I can't blieve you even considered having children with this man. Yes dump him and as soon as possible. Don't even think about having any more children with him it would be an absolute disaster.

Icandoallthings · 07/03/2020 16:22

I'm sorry about the miscarriage Flowers

Have you tried talking to him to let him know how you feel?

Figgygal · 07/03/2020 16:28

Dear god don’t have children he’s already alienated you from family and you’ve allowed yourself to lose a job

Seriously consider your options here before it’s too late

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/03/2020 16:28

What was the row about between your mil and mum, and was your mum at fault? If so you probably shouldn’t have been neutral. My mil has made comments to my mum before and DH has always stepped in to correct her if wrong. Also you were working so what happened to the money - did you spend it or give it to your mum?

ivykaty44 · 07/03/2020 16:30

What’s keeping you there?

Scout2016 · 07/03/2020 16:31

What jumped out to me was the comment about you "not giving the marriage your full attention." Very telling. Like you should have packed up your life when you married to focus on being "her indoors" running the home and having his tea ready...
Instead of being the same person who just happens to be married. So now you've got no job, are hours from home and dependent on him, and he sounds like he's got emotional issues you can't and shouldn't try and fix. You'll be even more vulnerable if pregnant and clawing something back for yourself will be harder. What sacrifices / compromises has he made?
None of this sounds like good father material.

Marmit · 07/03/2020 16:37

You know it’s never going to get better than this. You’re right to cut your losses - you have a chance of real happiness with someone who actually loves and cares about you. Please take it, and done waste any more of your time on this arsehole.

TheHonestTruth100 · 07/03/2020 17:51

YANBU, but while everyone says run I'd first ask if you've sat down and been completely honest with him about how you are feeling about the situation?

If you have and he doesn't give a shit, run. If you have and he said he'll work on things and hasn't, run.

Sounds like you've given up everything for him. If you're not happy then it's time to do something about it. I'd strongly advise you sort things out before having a child with this man. If you're unhappy now then having a child with him wont make things better.

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage ❤️

Fieldofgreycorn · 07/03/2020 18:04

What does ‘on paper’ mean?

OhCaptain · 07/03/2020 18:07

Please, please, PLEASE don’t have children with him. Go back to your mum, even for a break.