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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed at DH. Should I cut my losses?

129 replies

Minnildn · 07/03/2020 12:17

DH and I married about 1.5 years ago. I moved 2+ hours to be with him (his mother lives with him too)
My job dictated that I travel back to hometown 2/3 days a week so spent this time away from him.
Things were going well until late last yr when we went on a family trip. Me, DH, MIL and my mum.
A massive row broke out between my MIL and mother. I did my best to stay out of it. DH got involved though and was very loud and rude to my mum.

MIL said some hurtful things about me too and DH did not once step in and stand up for me.

After this, he completely ignored me and my mum. We spent the rest of the trip as 2 seperate parties essentially.
DH and mum haven't spoken for almost 6 months.

When we returned he told me I'd not been giving the marriage my full attention as I'm working away so much and I'm not willing to have kids (not the case). I suspect these are MILs words because we've never discussed this being an issue before.

Anyway, to remedy what I thought were his concerns, I stopped travelling up to my hometown and subsequently lost my job.

We also started trying for a baby.

I fell pregnant about 2 months ago but I've just had a miscarriage.

He has been very little support during this whole process. He'll be there for the appointments etc but there's no care or compassion from him towards me. He'll never just drop me a text during the day to see if I'm doing ok. He'll never offer help with chores knowing what I'm going through.

I'm contemplating if I'm making a big mistake by wanting a family with him. Should I cut my losses?

OP posts:

effiehabb · 07/03/2020 12:35

It's natural to be sad, but you need to get away from this man. Run and don't look back.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Splitsunrise · 07/03/2020 12:40

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. But you’ve seen first hand how he acts - do you want to put yourself and any future children through that forever?? It won’t work, and you’ll be miserable.

PatchworkMonkey · 07/03/2020 12:45

OP, he sounds selfish and needy. Like he does the very minimal to "tick the box" when it comes to your needs. If he's going to treat you like that, how will be treat a screaming, demanding baby who WILL scream blue murder for what seems like no reason at all, and demand from him on the daily. It's a HUGE shock to the system and it tests every couple.

If your relationship is this rocky it's not the right time to try for a baby. If you love each other, maybe work on that first. If you're not getting out what you're putting in then it's up to you what you do next.

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/03/2020 12:49

There are three people in this marriage and you are in third place. Will he commit fully to your marriage and move his mother out? I can guess the answer.

mencken · 07/03/2020 12:51

he has shown you his true colours when things get tough. You weren't to know but now you do.

don't waste any more time with him and absolutely no baby. Although I can't imagine you want to have sex with a man who treats you like this!

Luckystar20 · 07/03/2020 12:53

Very odd a married coupled holidaying with two middle aged woman. You want someone who is independent away from his mother who you can share your life independently.

HannaYeah · 07/03/2020 12:53

Only stay if you are ok with being treated like this the rest of your life. Don’t expect him to change.

I think his mum is going to try and rip you apart.

I also don’t think I could stay with someone who caused me to put my livelihood at risk, unless they were willing to 100% financially support me.

partofthepeanutgallery · 07/03/2020 12:53

Run.

He's married to his mum, not you. You will NEVER come first. You must know this.

Run.

Original poster

Minnildn · 07/03/2020 12:55

Financially, I contribute nothing to the running of our household.
So he is fully financially supportive but it's the lack of compassion and empathy I'm struggling with.

There is a clear theme here though. It would be foolish to ignore it.

OP posts:

Reginabambina · 07/03/2020 12:56

Please please don’t subject children to a father like that.

champagneandfromage50 · 07/03/2020 12:59

We all have baggage but we don't all become abusive arseholes. He is ignoring your DM, you have lost your job and your living with him and his mum who was derogatory about you and he did nothing.... it will only get worse

Booberella9 · 07/03/2020 13:00

Run!

Don't marry a man who lives with his mum/phones her everyday/lives in fear of her opinions etc.

Run run run.

Just because you got married does not mean you have to stay and make yourself and any DC miserable.

MitziK · 07/03/2020 13:01

Fuck that.

Go home.

Member984815 · 07/03/2020 13:03

You are not giving up , you are moving on .

BarbedBloom · 07/03/2020 13:04

I had an abusive father and I don't treat my husband like crap. Leave now

NotStayingIn · 07/03/2020 13:04

I really fear that if you have children with him you will be trapped in a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage. Your children will be raised according to MILs wishes as it’s quite clear DH will always take her side over yours. Your mother will be cut out of her grandchildren’s lives.

Why you would ever willingly go down that road? You would regret this for years and years to come.

NoveltyFunsy · 07/03/2020 13:05

My job dictated that I travel back to hometown 2/3 days a week so spent this time away from him.

Financially, I contribute nothing to the running of our household.

Why not? I hope you have been saving what you have been earning

EveoftheWar · 07/03/2020 13:05

Run while you can.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/03/2020 13:05

Get away now. Don’t ruin your life. You’d be better off without him. Pack your bags NOW

lowlandLucky · 07/03/2020 13:08

Run for the hills

GabriellaMontez · 07/03/2020 13:08

Sorry for your loss.

Glad you're not trapped in his hometown with him and his mum. Unemployed. Ground down and with dc.

Has he got better or worse since you got married? Which way do you think he'll head ?

SheWolfofFrance · 07/03/2020 13:09

Run! He's showing his true colours now ... the abuse will only get worse especially if you have children with him.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage but please do not stay with this man

FizzyGreenWater · 07/03/2020 13:09

Good God. This just sounds like one of those boyfriends you have in your early twenties that you learn a few lessons from (such as what the red flags for a slightly crappy relationship are) then swiftly move on from.

I'm sorry for your miscarriage but it honestly sounds like a blessing in disguise.

Every single part of your posts and their tone scream out that no, you don't love him.

He sounds rigid, boring, and certainly not loving or supportive towards you.

Lovely that it's YOU that had to move for him, eventually LOSE YOUR JOB as a result, he's done absolutely nothing to change any aspect of his lifestyle - even taking it for granted presumably that you'd still live with his mother (!!) - but it's you not giving the marriage your full attention?

At least this rather traumatic time has truly shown you what he's like. A selfish bloke whose idea of 'marriage' is drafting a woman into his life, slotting her in where he decides the space for her is, doing absolutely nothing to show he considers himself any kind of partner, but carping when he considers that she's not doing quite enough to fulfil his dreams. Oh and he'll side with his mother and make your life harder as a result if there's ever an issue.

This isn't a husband, this isn't a marriage - the main word that springs to mind is 'weird'!

I'd move on asap. When you do meet the person that's right for you and have a genuine partnership, you'll look back on Weirdo and his Mummy Dearest and think 'wtf was that?!'

SinkGirl · 07/03/2020 13:13

I would walk away now while things are relatively straightforward.

I am so sorry for your loss but I agree that you should not have children with this man. My DH is very supportive, we chose to try for a baby - we ended up having twins, and both twins have disabilities. It’s extremely hard and I would not survive it without his support. I imagine that he wouldn’t be much use even if everything went to plan but i can’t imagine how hard things would be for you if they didn’t - well you’ve already seen this with his response to your MC.

I would walk away and find someone who makes you happy.

category12 · 07/03/2020 13:14

Leave him.

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