Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed at DH. Should I cut my losses?

129 replies

Minnildn · 07/03/2020 12:17

DH and I married about 1.5 years ago. I moved 2+ hours to be with him (his mother lives with him too)
My job dictated that I travel back to hometown 2/3 days a week so spent this time away from him.
Things were going well until late last yr when we went on a family trip. Me, DH, MIL and my mum.
A massive row broke out between my MIL and mother. I did my best to stay out of it. DH got involved though and was very loud and rude to my mum.

MIL said some hurtful things about me too and DH did not once step in and stand up for me.

After this, he completely ignored me and my mum. We spent the rest of the trip as 2 seperate parties essentially.
DH and mum haven't spoken for almost 6 months.

When we returned he told me I'd not been giving the marriage my full attention as I'm working away so much and I'm not willing to have kids (not the case). I suspect these are MILs words because we've never discussed this being an issue before.

Anyway, to remedy what I thought were his concerns, I stopped travelling up to my hometown and subsequently lost my job.

We also started trying for a baby.

I fell pregnant about 2 months ago but I've just had a miscarriage.

He has been very little support during this whole process. He'll be there for the appointments etc but there's no care or compassion from him towards me. He'll never just drop me a text during the day to see if I'm doing ok. He'll never offer help with chores knowing what I'm going through.

I'm contemplating if I'm making a big mistake by wanting a family with him. Should I cut my losses?

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 07/03/2020 13:42

Cut your losses and go now. I'm sorry you had to go through a miscarriage but, honestly, you would be tied to him if you had a child. If you go - back to near where you lived before, you can find another job and move on.

I'm appalled that your mother in law and mother had a row so bad that the holiday ended with you and mum being isolated never mind your husband being so rude. I dread to think what the row was about.

Go now while you can - your mum will help you.

All the very best for the future.

OutOntheTilez · 07/03/2020 13:42

I'm sorry for the loss of your little one, OP Flowers

Agree with Curious in that you are the second-ranked woman here. That trip was a turning point.

I think that he's shown his true colors - find a job, leave, and make your own life without him. Because in another few years I fear you'll be back here with a baby and war stories about how he's emotionally and financially abusive.

GinDrinker00 · 07/03/2020 13:45

Divorce him. He’s a wanker!

nestisflown · 07/03/2020 13:48

You're not giving up because this is not a marriage. You're not a team despite your best efforts. I'm sorry for your loss Flowers but I wouldn't have a baby with a man like this. He might perpetuate the cycle to your children too if you do.

TheyDoDoThat · 07/03/2020 13:49

I hope you listen to the women on here op. There are so many red flags. Run.

cordelia16 · 07/03/2020 13:52

Very sorry for the loss of your baby...

In terms of your marriage, it's better to have "wasted" 1.5 years than decades. Get out now while you don't have any real ties.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in signs from the universe. And you've gotten a big sign. Please heed it. This is who he is - he won't change.

Take care of yourself Flowers

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 07/03/2020 13:53

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, it is a horrible thing to happen. But I think you are right in reconsidering your position now. So far, you are the person who seems to have made all the sacrifices to make your marriage work, and your husband has done nothing positive but is still not happy with you or kind to you. Can you go back to live in your hometown/live with your mum?
I'm so sorry, again, for your loss.

FazakAli · 07/03/2020 13:56

Run now, you don't want to bring children into this toxic set up. Your mil will be fighting with you to get possession of your child as well as your husband.

Lifeisabeach09 · 07/03/2020 14:00

Fuck, yes.
You've given up your job, moved two hours to be with him, miscarried his baby, and the pricks blanks you, sides with his mum, and doesn't support you.
Wake up, OP. This man is not caring and supportive and he has no loyalty to you.
You've made all the sacrifices.
Life with this man will get far, far worse if you have kids with him and you'll be financially dependent on him and trapped (worse than now).
LTB and reestablish your career.

MaryBerrysBomberJacket · 07/03/2020 14:03

Leave him. Yes it hurt after my divorce, but my life is no much better now.

Have higher standards for yourself. My relationship now is ten times what my marriage was, and I am so glad I left it.

JingsMahBucket · 07/03/2020 14:04

GTFO now @Minnildn. Move back to your hometown and ask for your old job back. They’d likely to be sympathetic when you give them a broad picture of what happened. No gory details, just that you found yourself in a compromising and likely abusive situation. Get back on your feet, get counseling, and start living your life again. This man is an anchor around your neck. Drop him.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 07/03/2020 14:07

You're not giving up on your marriage, you're actually standing up for you.

Another voice to the concern that you've lost your job at his insistence and he's now wanting you pregnant, and effectively tied into him and his mother. Do you want your child tied to him and all his baggage? Sounds like you're not going to easily have your mum come to visit you, with or without a baby in the picture. It just doesn't sound like a great way to live.

Personally, I would separate and move back to your home town, look for work and get some space. Decide what is important to you in a partner and relationship. You can then use this in some counselling/discussions with your husband or divorce and use the knowledge for your next relationship. I would probably move on, your husband doesn't seem keen to work on improving things with you, seems like his mum wants a grandchild and you're the incubator.

Candyfloss99 · 07/03/2020 14:08

He won't be a good father. Run as fast as you can.

Jux · 07/03/2020 14:10

Please go back to your mum. Get your own life back on track and don't waste another moment shoring up his.

babbi · 07/03/2020 14:15

Sorry for your loss ... leave him and move on to better things and a better life .. take care x

3rdNamechange · 07/03/2020 14:17

I agree , leave.
He's not financially supporting you , he's made you lose your job so you are financially dependent on him.

NYnachos · 07/03/2020 14:17

Go back to your mums

Get your old job back if possible

Get away from these people ASAP

It may have been a red flag that his mum lives with him/he with her (although this could be cultural), but the dynamic was never going to be equal partners with arrangement

Winterlife · 07/03/2020 14:18

Are you and he from a culture where you live with parents? He sounds like a mama’s boy. That’s usually not a good trait for a successful marriage.

Springpea · 07/03/2020 14:18

Your expectations are higher in terms of emotional support than he seems naturally inclined to give, so I wouldn't start a family if I were you.

DarkDarkNight · 07/03/2020 14:20

Don’t tie yourself to this Manchild by having a baby with him.

He’s shown his true colours on the trip away - getting involved in a row he could have stayed out of, being loud and rude to your Mum, not talking to her for months.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/03/2020 14:21

Quick, get out now and don’t have a wain with him.

septsapp · 07/03/2020 14:31

Leave now!! I am in a similar situation, I've just had my baby and it's a million times harder to split from someone when you have a child! I'm lost at what to do but I am miserable with him also !If I'd realised what I have now back then I would have left way back ! Xx

Thinkingabout1t · 07/03/2020 14:31

Please get out now, OP! Not in 10 years' time, worn out, depressed and feeling awful about not being able to enjoy the children (if you have them) - in fact, thinking you're a bad mother for bringing them up in an unhappy home.

OK, disaster scenario. But it's a likely one. Your husband is kindly showing you what a selfish, uncaring jerk he is before you make the mistake of having a child with him. Please use your chance to escape.

partofthepeanutgallery · 07/03/2020 14:33

Leave him. Go back to your mum.

If you liked your old job, go back and ask them if they'd consider having you back. Tell them things are different and you're back permanently.

Good luck, OP. I'm terribly sorry about your miscarriage, but moving forward you will likely be relieved it leaves you with no ties to this man who will never, ever put you ahead of his mum and who has cut off your own support network. Be glad you can walk away without ties to him.

3luckystars · 07/03/2020 14:35

Don't let anyone treat you, your mother or your baby badly. You mean something!!!