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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed at DH. Should I cut my losses?

129 replies

Minnildn · 07/03/2020 12:17

DH and I married about 1.5 years ago. I moved 2+ hours to be with him (his mother lives with him too)
My job dictated that I travel back to hometown 2/3 days a week so spent this time away from him.
Things were going well until late last yr when we went on a family trip. Me, DH, MIL and my mum.
A massive row broke out between my MIL and mother. I did my best to stay out of it. DH got involved though and was very loud and rude to my mum.

MIL said some hurtful things about me too and DH did not once step in and stand up for me.

After this, he completely ignored me and my mum. We spent the rest of the trip as 2 seperate parties essentially.
DH and mum haven't spoken for almost 6 months.

When we returned he told me I'd not been giving the marriage my full attention as I'm working away so much and I'm not willing to have kids (not the case). I suspect these are MILs words because we've never discussed this being an issue before.

Anyway, to remedy what I thought were his concerns, I stopped travelling up to my hometown and subsequently lost my job.

We also started trying for a baby.

I fell pregnant about 2 months ago but I've just had a miscarriage.

He has been very little support during this whole process. He'll be there for the appointments etc but there's no care or compassion from him towards me. He'll never just drop me a text during the day to see if I'm doing ok. He'll never offer help with chores knowing what I'm going through.

I'm contemplating if I'm making a big mistake by wanting a family with him. Should I cut my losses?

OP posts:

Mombie2016 · 07/03/2020 13:15

Got you right where he wants you now.

No job.
Financially dependent on him.

He's isolating you from your family.

Leave. Now.

sunnyblossom1 · 07/03/2020 13:15

Hi. If he doesn’t treat you right and can’t treat your family right then he is probably not the man you thought he was. He sounds like he will probably not get any better once you have dc and will probably put his negativity into your dc and abuse them emotionally as he is you. You should really look at your options. It’s not about failing at marriage but succeeding in a happy life.

LorenzoStDubois · 07/03/2020 13:16

Yep - cut your losses and bail.
Get out while you can.

Kraejka · 07/03/2020 13:18

So sorry for your loss. That must be awful for you.

If he can't offer support at this very difficult time, he's never going to step up.
You say when things are going well, then everything is really great. Well yes... but the strength of a relationship reveals itself in the hard times. I was in a relationship like this - all fabulous when we were having fun, doing fun things - absolute nightmare when anything untoward happened.
I loved him very much too but as someone upthread said, you can be in love with/love with someone who is incredibly bad for you. Over time our whole character changes and you don't realize until too late - believe me, I know.
I don't think he is the right man for you to have a family with - he has shown you what he's like during this short pregnancy which sadly ended too soon. You've already lost a job because of his wants and needs. It's enough already.
Leave him, it's never going to get better.

category12 · 07/03/2020 13:18

Also, I'm sorry for your loss, OP. But take it as a sign. You really don't want to be a co-parent with someone like this and his mum.

Mandraki · 07/03/2020 13:18

Dont have children with this man. How he treats you now is how he will treat you when the baby is here, and also how he will treat the child.

FAQs · 07/03/2020 13:18

If you was my daughter I would be really concerned and would fully support you whatever decision you made but I would really hope you would leave.

tara66 · 07/03/2020 13:18

You can leave and see ''how it goes''. Once you have left - you may see situation as it ''really is'' - whatever that may be. You have to think about how he might treat any child he has. Perhaps he might copy his father?
Can you get your old job back? You may be feeling very low at the moment so are reluctant to make the effort to leave.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/03/2020 13:20

I'm sorry for your loss; however you move forward that is heartbreaking for you.

He isn't interested in an equal. He isn't interested in a healthy marriage. As awful as these posts myst be for you to read, each person here on the outside sees that your DH is in actual fact a big old wang who doesn't deserve anyone whilst he's behaving like this. You get to choose your future. You get to decide how your relationships are going to work. Let this one go and grieve for all it hasn't been, all you hoped it would be and then let him go. You won't be failing at anything, just giving yourself chance for happiness and joy. He isn't going to give you any joy, is he?

Nearlyalmost50 · 07/03/2020 13:21

On paper, he's a nice guy.

In reality, he's cold and emotionless toward you.

Do you have to live with him on paper or in reality?

This is a no-brainer.

SavageBeauty73 · 07/03/2020 13:22

He sounds awful. Please leave while you can❤️

TorkTorkBam · 07/03/2020 13:25

He could have the saddest reasons in the whole wide world for feeling bad. Those reasons do not make it OK for him to treat you badly.

He cannot speak about emotions. He has no empathy. He has deep-seated issues. You can't solve those with love, tea and sympathy. It is years of therapy, if he is motivated, and even then he might still be a selfish bastard after ten years of working on himself.

Get away fast.

user14366425683113 · 07/03/2020 13:26

"Financially supportive" is not how I would characterise sabotaging your ability to keep your job so you ended up unemployed, vulnerable and financially dependent on him.

Supportive would have been encouraging and supporting your continued employment.

TorkTorkBam · 07/03/2020 13:26

How would you go about leaving him? What practicalities?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2020 13:26

You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean that they are right or good for you.

You aren't happy. You deserve to be happy.

Leave now before you are tied to him by a child.

Boudicabooandbulldogs · 07/03/2020 13:28

I’m so sorry you had to go through a miscarriage, however it has shown you his true colours.

How can a grown man not speak to your mother, that behaviour is childish. Will he act this way to you or any children you have with him.
He is your husband and should confront his mother if she is negative towards you.
Interesting that he basically made you give up work, it sounds very much like he is trying to isolate you and his rift with your mother will further that isolation.
Please think about whether you should spend your life with a man who for whatever reason has trouble with emotions. What would that be like for any children you had.
Love is not enough to stay with someone who shows you no emotional care when you experience something so awful. Who will not stick up for you, and refuses to speak to your mother. We don’t always love the right people.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 07/03/2020 13:29

That's quite a dripfeed op. It sounds like he isn't emotionally capable of what you need because he's trained himself to block emotion.

No, I wouldn't necessarily run for the hills. Nor would I have children with this man.......I would however insist he gets help to work through his abusive childhood. ........I'd also look at his mother living elsewhere.

If he's prepared to get on board with then I'd be prepared to work from there.

ahagwearsapointybonnet · 07/03/2020 13:29

I'm not saying (yet) that that is definitely the intent, but this is how so many abusive relationships start. Already:

You have left your hometown/home friends and support network for his benefit
You have been (partly) cut off from your mum - I hope at least you are still in touch with each other, but you already can't meet her with him around/as a family, and I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to make you distance yourself further
You have left your job and become financially dependent on him (as well as losing your work colleagues), at his instigation
He has persuaded you to start trying for a baby (the ultimate way to tie you to him and increase your dependence)
He has started withdrawing affection and consideration, presumably making you grateful for whatever crumbs you get from him.

I would be seriously considering the future of the relationship, and making absolutely sure NOT to get pregnant for the moment, and not unless/until things had changed significantly and long-term...

ilovedjerrymore · 07/03/2020 13:29

I’m sorry for your loss op. But you really have to leave this man! He has a controlling mother by the sound of it and is also trying to cut ties to your mum. What would happen if you have a baby in the future would he stop your mum from visiting or looking after baby? Would his mum try to take over?
He is the one not putting your marriage and needs 1st! Leave now. Life is too short to put up with rubbish like this

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/03/2020 13:32

I'm so sorry that you lost your baby - but at least means that you can walk away from this apology for a man. Terrible as it sounds, your awful loss means that you are o longer linked to your husband if you don't want to be.

He has taken your job, affected your relationship with your DM, and effectively cut you off from anyone who could support you emotionally.

Leave now while you are young enough and have the energy to start again. Cut your losses, get your financial ducks into a nice neat row so you know exactly what you are entitled to from your joint assets (squirrel a little bit away if you can - I normally wouldn't condone this, but he has cost you your income) and then get out before you are pregnant again.

Only you can make that decision, of course, but I would suggest you don't listen to any excuses or accusations or anything else he throws at you - just go and don't look back. It will get worse and not better.

He and his mother have crossed the line, and having done it once, it will easier for them to do it again. It will happen more often- and more brutally. The first time is the hardest, and now they've done that, they'll crush you if you let them.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/03/2020 13:32

YABU to yourself. You can admit you made a mistake and not waste more time on him. You must have realised by now that you are the second ranked woman I his life and won't have all of his love and attention.

Leave. Go home your mum, your job, your own life.

Be happy

TorkTorkBam · 07/03/2020 13:35

Why should OP sacrifice her happiness to be his crutch? She could have her own life, a good life, not just be a teddy bear for a man with issues.

Especially a man who is happy as he is. He has shown repeatedly that he wishes her to serve his needs exclusively and will fight to keep that dynamic. Bollocks to that.

billy1966 · 07/03/2020 13:37

So sorry for your loss OP.

He is not the person you thought he was.

Don't commit to a horrible future.

Move home to your Mum.

BaronessBomburst · 07/03/2020 13:39

Why do you think that you'd be giving up on the marriage? So far it seems that you've done everything to make it work. What effort has he put into the relationship?
I see a marriage that broke down on his part, not yours.

QuestionableMouse · 07/03/2020 13:40

Relationships aren't meant to make you feel unhappy.

Do you really want to spend 50 more years living with this person?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Go to your mam's for a few weeks and see how you feel when the loss isn't so raw? From the outside looking in though it doesn't sound like you have much reason to stay. Also isolating you is a huge red flag imo.

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