To tell my brother in law that my sister is cheating ?

[Aurelie20]

I have been reading on this forum for months and now I have something I need advice on..

My sister and I are very close and always been. She is perfect ,have a perfect house , perfect children and a perfect husband... After my marriage ended I moved in with her , and since he works night shifts I spent a lot of time with him and the children during the day.

She told me about 2 weeks ago that she has been seeing a man for roughly a month and thinks about leaving her husband but wants some time with the other man to be sure. I AM SO SHOCKED! I can't believe her. She has a perfect man that loves her and does everything for her.

I am close to him and cannot at look him in the eyes now. Especially since he always talks about her. I feel like telling him because he does not deserve that. But at the same time I don't want to lose my sister. She trusts me. What would you do.

I would tell the BIL what she is doing and I would never speak to Sister again. I don't associate with toxic trash

I am really really shocked at the replies to this, particularly as there was another thread a while back where a woman was asking if should tell a friend about OW, and everyone said that they would want to know if their husband was having an affair. Why is it any different because its a man?? And a sister rather than a friend??

Very torn here. I think first step is to move out. Second I would explain to sister that what she did is inexcusable and let them know they need to make up their mind and come clean before distancing myself from someone that clearly has no morals

Completely agree @FreshFancyFrogglette

If I was in that situation, I'd be moving out ASAP and would then have nothing more to do with her. All this "your loyalties lie with your sister, she's family" wouldn't wash with me. I can't stand cheats. Family or not.

She dragged you into this by telling you. I'd be gone and if her husband asked why (which I'm sure he would), I'd just tell him to ask his wife. I'm sure she'd come up with some rubbish, but that would be up to her.

Stay the hell out if it.

I never understand these threads. If anyone ever learns my partner is cheating please tell me. It's true that your original post makes you come across as envious and somewhat dreamy about their relationship. But the fact is she told you, he had a right to know. Let her know that this secretary is too burdensome and that you will tell if she doesn't.

@CJsGoldfish

The OP didn't ask her sister to cheat or to put her in this awful position.

She is perfect ,have a perfect house , perfect children and a perfect husband.

Clearly not.

My loyalties will always be my sister even if I don’t agree with her actions. But I’d move out pdq.

MOVE OUT. Don't tell husband unless you want to spend the rest of your life on MN complaining about your broken family relationships.

I’m in two minds about this. I would be really upset if say BIL knew I was being cheated on & didn’t say anything. However you have the rest of your life to be around your sister and spilling could ruin your relationship. So I would probably just put it to the back of my mind and try remember that life is complex and pretty shit most of the time. Also you need to move out I think that would be what would hurt me most knowing people under my roof knew and didn’t tell me.

I am really really shocked at the replies to this, particularly as there was another thread a while back where a woman was asking if should tell a friend about OW, and everyone said that they would want to know if their husband was having an affair. Why is it any different because its a man?? And a sister rather than a friend??

Because the fall out for the OP and on the family is 100x worse than if it's a friend. The OP stands to lose the love and support of ALL members of her family, not just her sister. And I wouldn't risk that, nor the hurt it would cause (say) her parents etc, for the sake of the BIL.

In this case I think there are less devastating routes to take and other conversations that can be had with DSis, that would help OP feel on the right side of morality, without throwing a bomb into the wider family. And I'd say the same if it was a brother having the affair.

I've been there with my sister. We are now NC. I still see my former BIL.

Move out, tell her you won't destroy her family over this by telling but you don't want to hear anything more about it and she's being reckless.

Stay well out of it, trust me. No marriage or life is perfect. We all just muddle along doing the best we can.

freshfancy
To be fair I suppose the consistency in the responses is the loyalty to the person you are closest to. The friend in the other thread or the sister here.
But it’s the absolute hypocrisy of some posters here that astounds me.
For some if a man cheats he is a bastard but if a woman cheats it’s probably because her husband is a bastard. Madness!

It was incredibly unfair of your sister to put you in this position. You should tell her that, withdraw completely from the situation and not see or have any contact with her until she has resolved the situation herself. Let explaining to her husband why you're not around at the moment be her problem.

But it’s the absolute hypocrisy of some posters here that astounds me

Are the same posters being hypocritical...?

Doubt it.

@saraclara While she might lose her sister surely that is not all her family. I am sure parents, aunts, uncles and extended family would all see what the sister did as wrong

I absolutely wouldn't say anything. Keep well out. Thus is a can of worms you do not wish to open!

@lovepickledlimes I'm nowhere near as confident of that. There have been plenty of threads on here about family fall outs after something like this. Many families place loyalty to each other over most other things, whether or not they're right to do so. They will think of all sorts of alternatives that were open to the OP that were better than telling the BIL.

lovepickedlimes
Unfortunately they might well not see it like that.
I’ve read a number of threads where people have turned their backs on a family member for reporting something to the police even including sexual abuse so nothing surprises me any more.

@saraclara @Smileyaxolotl1 But surely it could be argued OP is better off without family with such lose morals then that would forgive any behavior cause 'family'

1. Stay out of it.
2. How long have you been there? It’s time to go.
3. Having a long stay house guest can be detrimental to marriage and existing relationships.

Don't tell him if you feel you must get involved tackle your sister.

She's your sister.....surely that's all there is to it?