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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my brother in law that my sister is cheating ?

190 replies

Aurelie20 · 06/03/2020 19:19

I have been reading on this forum for months and now I have something I need advice on..

My sister and I are very close and always been. She is perfect ,have a perfect house , perfect children and a perfect husband... After my marriage ended I moved in with her , and since he works night shifts I spent a lot of time with him and the children during the day.

She told me about 2 weeks ago that she has been seeing a man for roughly a month and thinks about leaving her husband but wants some time with the other man to be sure. I AM SO SHOCKED! I can't believe her. She has a perfect man that loves her and does everything for her.

I am close to him and cannot at look him in the eyes now. Especially since he always talks about her. I feel like telling him because he does not deserve that. But at the same time I don't want to lose my sister. She trusts me. What would you do.

OP posts:

bananafish · 06/03/2020 20:02

God no, stay well out of it. And find somewhere else to live, pronto.

HappyHammy · 06/03/2020 20:02

Tell your sister you think its mean and she should tell her husband and move out..

ScrapThatThen · 06/03/2020 20:05

Tell her why you are moving out and distance yourself.

Dita73 · 06/03/2020 20:06

Don’t say a word. My brother’s cheating on his wife and I’d never tell her. Of course it helps that his wife is a cow and he deserves better

EC22 · 06/03/2020 20:08

To betray your sisters trust like that would be unforgivable.

LilQueenie · 06/03/2020 20:09

tell her it makes you uncomfortable and find a way to move out asap.

LouiseCollina · 06/03/2020 20:16

To betray your sisters trust like that would be unforgivable.

This.

You would destroy your relationship with your sister for life, she would never recover her trust in you. You'd also be bringing unnecessary heartache to the children who might well get through this without ever knowing about it if you keep your mouth shut, which you should.

LimitIsUp · 06/03/2020 20:18

Don't tell your BIL. Move out. Make it clear to your sister that she has a moral responsibility to either tell her husband and end their marriage, or end her affair immediately and get her marriage back on track. But no more sordid cheating

Absolutepowercorrupts · 06/03/2020 20:19

Jane Green, this was a few books ago.

GrouchoMrx · 06/03/2020 20:21

Tell her why you are moving out and distance yourself.

This.

You need to move out quickly and tell her why.

HollowTalk · 06/03/2020 20:21

I think you need to move out and tell your sister you don't want to hear anything more about her affair, otherwise you'll tell her husband.

IHaveBrilloHair · 06/03/2020 20:22

Think about how this will end if you say something.
Is that what you want?

forrestgreen · 06/03/2020 20:26

Are you prepared to move out first?

LimitIsUp · 06/03/2020 20:28

I don't read Jane Green....but you did prompt me to use advanced search for posting history

Symbollove · 06/03/2020 20:38

You are obviously comparing him to you exDH, You see him as the perfect husband, reality is you don't know much about their relationship, you only see what they show. I would definitely say keep out, she's your sister, she confided in you, what she is doing is obviously wrong, but you can't say anything without damaging your relationship with her especially after she took you in when your marriage ended, that wouldn't be the thanks she needs. Speak to your sister about why she shouldn't be risking her family for an affair, find out why she feels the need to cheat when she has the perfect home and perfect husband.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 06/03/2020 20:44

She has burdened you with this knowledge. That's not a very nice thing to do.

As others have said, get yourself moved out and tell her you don't want to hear any more as it puts you in an awkward position.

cobwebfew · 06/03/2020 20:45

Hell no OP, unless you want to loose your sister you stay the hell out of it!

justasking111 · 06/03/2020 20:55

Why did she have to tell you.... Say nothing and try to get out of there.

FragrantLikeRice · 06/03/2020 20:59

Well, well, well. The Mumsnet hypocrisy brigade out in force tonight I see. If it was a man cheating on a woman, you'd all be LTB yada yada yada. All of you need a good head wobble.

OP, yes you need to get out, and do what you think is the right thing. Ask yourself, if someone was cheating on you, would you want to know about it? And be honest.

Ronnie27 · 06/03/2020 21:00

Maybe she’s been unhappy for a while under the perfect exterior. Maybe she loves this other guy and they will end up being together. It’s understandable you’re disappointed as it sounds like you have them on a bit of a pedestal as a family but you can’t force your sister to stay in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in just because you like her husband. Cheating is always shitty but people are complex. Hang back and let this play out.

justasking111 · 06/03/2020 21:06

Fragrant my head does not need a wobble. Blood kin are just that, they are around forever.

Wereallsquare · 06/03/2020 21:07

She shouldn't have told you - selfish of her.

Mind your own business - never a good idea to get between couples when one party is having an affair. Murdering messengers and all that.

Find your own place. Stay cordial but really, you now know what to expect of her. She really isn't very nice.

suggestionsplease1 · 06/03/2020 21:11

This is deeply unfair on her husband- he's being played for a fool as she strings him along in a pretence that everything is fine whilst she works out her options with the other man.

And now she's dragged you in on the act.

It doesn't matter if they don't have the perfect relationship as pp are speculating - would they all say that it was fine for a man to continue cheating on his wife whilst working out whether his best options were to be with OW or her, just because he didn't feel things were 100%? And that no-one should step in and give the wife the heads up, because, you know, that might ruin her husband's chance at happiness and it's not very nice for him.

What a messy business. I wouldn't be thanking your sister for putting you in that position.

DowntownAbby · 06/03/2020 21:15

She sounds vile.

Typical MN though with some posters blaming her DH. If the roles were switched (brother cheating, not sister) he'd be the biggest cunt to have walked the earth and the partner would be an angel.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2020 21:18

Yikes. I'm usually in the 'tell tell tell' camp, but this one is a bit more complicated because it's your sister. And I'd feel the same way if was your brother, too.

I wouldn't not tell just for the sake of my sibling. A cheat is a cheat. I wouldn't want one for a friend and I wouldn't want one as a sibling.

BUT would it wreck your relationship with the rest of your family or would they stand by your decision to tell because it's the right thing to do? I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with my parents and/or other siblings for the sake of telling a BiL or a SiL that my sibling was cheating.

I would, however, tell my sibling that it was wrong and that there's no excuse for cheating. And I'd make sure they understood that they were NEVER to use me as an alibi because I will not abet their cheating by lying for them. Nor will I lie to our parents and other siblings if they ask me direct questions.

What's really despicable is that your sister's attitude is that if Mr Affair isn't all he's cracked up to be then she may as well stay with her husband. That's unbelievably dishonest and dishonourable. That's disgusting and I'd tell her that, too!

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