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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu weddings abroad?

104 replies

PumpkinP · 05/03/2020 19:55

Was talking to my sister earlier and she said that when she gets married she wants to get married abroad. She isn't actually engaged so just hypothetical. I mentioned that I wouldn't be able to come in that case and she was disappointed and seemed to think it was a bit out of order. But I would never be able to afford it (Caribbean) I don't mind not going. Aibu to think that if you choose to get married abroad then you just have to accept that some people might not be able to come?

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 06/03/2020 12:42

I cannot get my head round the idea that anyone would think that a beach is a nice place to get married. It’s just weird to me

And some people think churches are weird, mountain tops are weird, registry offices are weird. Each to their own.

I'm also of the camp that weddings are about uniting families and futures together, not about that one fairytale day.

spongejack · 06/03/2020 12:42

@Cheeseandwin5 far from being controlling the OP is managing her sisters expectations

daisypond · 06/03/2020 14:14

I'm also of the camp that weddings are about uniting families and futures together, not about that one fairytale day.
Exactly. I completely agree.

Honeybee85 · 06/03/2020 14:16

YANBU

Some people can’t afford it or are afraid to fly.
You can’t expect them to be there just because you want to have your wedding abroad.

Isthistrueor · 06/03/2020 14:20

If you get married abroad you either have to stump up the cost for relatives who can’t afford it or accept they can’t come, it’s pretty simple really. It’s not even just about affording to attend the actual wedding, it’s also taking the time off work which isn’t an option for many people.

4DrivetPrive · 06/03/2020 15:56

YADNBU OP. My cousin is getting married at a £££ destination. The whole family has heard repeatedly how much cheaper it is for them to get married abroad. No thought for how much it is costing the guests instead. Hmm

Largeyellowdaffodil · 06/03/2020 16:14

Has she ever been to Jamaica?

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/03/2020 16:44

@daisypond
What you would do is neither here nor there. The OP says she cant afford to go so for her it is a finance thing.
@merryoldgoat, @spongejack @MimiLaRue
Where does the wedding say it is in a year?
At the moment this is all hypothetical, the sister is not even engaged yet. She is just having a nice dream about what could be her perfect day. If and when the sister does make a decision, then is the time to say whether you can or not come. Its not managing expectations but rather a just spoiling. If I said to my DH, some day I would love to go to Jamaica and he replied 'that he wouldn't be able to come in that case' I would be both pissed and wondering why he would make such a comment.
The OP can make a comment once the sister gets engaged if she wants to add her input, otherwise why not let her have her fantasy without complications.

spongejack · 06/03/2020 16:56

@Cheeseandwin5 I totally disagree,

I'd be very upset if my sister "went along" with my dream and all the while I'm planning etc and thinking all was good until I then announced my ludicrously expensive wedding venue to be told it was never going to happen.

Not sure why a sister would think a family of six could afford that? She must have a vague idea of her sisters wealth?

datasgingercatspot · 06/03/2020 17:04

YANBU. Best she knows now. We decline destination wedding invitations, really don't care who it is, either, it's expensive and a faff, we save up for holidays of our choosing not someone's self-indulgent whim oh, and much of the time, it's a fake/invalid wedding as it's not legal in the UK so they actually legally marry in a registry office anyway. Fuck that.

Save up, my arse! If I'm going to save up it's for something that benefits our family not someone else's fancy.

Reginabambina · 06/03/2020 17:05

I thought that the whole point of a wedding abroad was to discourage guests from attending?

Newkitchen123 · 06/03/2020 17:22

We got married abroad
We accepted that there would be some who couldn't make it
We said not to buy presents as people had spent enough.
We didn't dictate where people stayed yet stayed wherever they could afford.everyone made it a holiday in which they combined our wedding, some whole family time and some time to themselves to do their own thing

MimiLaRue · 06/03/2020 17:27

I'd be very upset if my sister "went along" with my dream and all the while I'm planning etc and thinking all was good until I then announced my ludicrously expensive wedding venue to be told it was never going to happen

Totally agree. Far better to be honest from the start rather than pretending to go along with a fantasy only to have it thrown back in your face when you then say you cant actually go after all. I wouldnt want any family member of mine patronising me like that- just be honest with me.

Chanel05 · 06/03/2020 17:36

Yep definitely not unreasonable. I got married in the USA and I didn't even send invitations to people until they told me they'd booked a flight to attend. Anyone who knew we were getting married was told they were always welcome but no one was ever actually invited.

Ginfordinner · 06/03/2020 17:41

What planet are you on Cheeseandwin5?
Expecting a single parent of 4 children to be able to afford a trip to the Caribbean?

Clearly not on planet reality.

WriteronaMission · 06/03/2020 17:41

YANBU.

We considered a wedding abroad but knew my DDad wouldn't get time off, my FIL would struggle with time off, and my DNan wouldn't be able to fly. So made the decision for a home wedding. The idea of abroad was purely to avoid some of the drama that did happen with other members of the family but hey ho.

A family member got married abroad and then had a family meal back home to celebrate with everyone who couldn't make it.

If your DSis wants a wedding abroad, she needs to accept that people won't make it. She either deals with being disappointed or changes her plans.

contentedsoul · 06/03/2020 18:38

TBH I find weddings/christenings incredibly boring.
So being expected to pay to bore myself senseless is never going to happen. Even if it was offered free, I'd still want to avoid going if possible.
I'm just not very sociable

Sickofrain · 06/03/2020 18:40

Could you start saving now OP? Obviously YANBU but if you are close to your sister, wouldn't it be nice to go?

daisypond · 06/03/2020 18:54

I would assume flying long haul is quite unusual. I may be wrong. I’ve never been on a long haul flight. Unless you are from a far flung part of the world, of course. Not the sort of thing you do for a wedding.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 06/03/2020 19:22

I’m not working im a carer for my oldest. There’s no way I can save £5000. It’s a shame I wouldn’t go but I would rather have driving lessons or something with that money. We are close and don’t have much family so it is a shame.

OP posts:
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 06/03/2020 19:32

Fuck that OP. If DSIS is that desperate for you to go (theoretically) she can pay for you and your 4 DC. Very Un-ecofriendly a wedding abroad, very presumptive and entitled, very uncool.

MyWorriedHusband · 06/03/2020 20:05

It's all part of it.

We invited 70 and had 30 guests. (10 hour flight to where we got married)

Was the perfect size for us and we didn't begrudge anyone not willing to travel. (One was a sibling)

datasgingercatspot · 06/03/2020 20:11

Could you start saving now OP? Obviously YANBU but if you are close to your sister, wouldn't it be nice to go?

FFS! RTFT! Can't believe how many people think people should fucking save to blow it all on someone's self-indulgent whim.

Babypug · 06/03/2020 20:13

Until she's engaged and confirmed the wedding abroad I wouldn't worry. Her plans may change and your circumstances too. Too much worrying over something that's not happened. Also remember it's her special day and if she wants to get married abroad then that's her decision to make.

Aragog · 06/03/2020 20:27

However, as it is your sister, you could maybe start saving once she gets engaged as you’ll probably have at least a years notice.

You see, I disagree with this.

Why should the OP have to put savings away for a holiday not of her choosing? And maybe she doesn't have the spare savings to do so anyway? Maybe they've got bigger priorities?

If you choose to marry abroad you should not expect everyone, even those close to you, to pay to attend. If their attendance is so important then pay for them to join you - and even then, only if they want to and are able to.

I got married abroad. Whilst we told people they were welcome to come if they wanted to, we really didn't expect any too. This was way before destination weddings were a big thing, and it was to a place most people we knew wouldn't really go to at at the time. DH and I got married abroad together and it was lovely. We had a big party (and a blessing in fact) when we got back to celebrate with family and friends - got to wear my dress and celebrate twice, what's not to like?!

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