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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu weddings abroad?

104 replies

PumpkinP · 05/03/2020 19:55

Was talking to my sister earlier and she said that when she gets married she wants to get married abroad. She isn't actually engaged so just hypothetical. I mentioned that I wouldn't be able to come in that case and she was disappointed and seemed to think it was a bit out of order. But I would never be able to afford it (Caribbean) I don't mind not going. Aibu to think that if you choose to get married abroad then you just have to accept that some people might not be able to come?

OP posts:
JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 05/03/2020 23:12

I got married abroad and I don't disagree! We made sure immediate family and best friends were on board before we made the final decision, we ended up with nearly 30 guests. We also had a big party when got home for everyone who couldn't travel and we didn't expect anyone to, just really really chuffed that so many people did. I felt very lucky.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/03/2020 00:39

I wouldn’t have bothered saying ‘Do this and I won’t be able to come’. She’s not even engaged! Why encourage an argument about something that may never happen?

mouldygrapes · 06/03/2020 00:47

My brother wants to get married abroad (somewhere v expensive and in high season). We will probably go but I know most of our family won’t want to or won’t be able to spend that much money, especially those with kids. It wouldn’t occur to him to consider others, and they will go ahead even if a lot of people don’t go.

OP you are definitely not being unreasonable and I’m sure you aren’t the only guest who’ll feel the same way

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/03/2020 07:32

I wouldn’t go either.

Weddings are meant to be about the exchange of vows not the destination. If the couple choose somewhere abroad they should find two witnesses on the day over and keep it simple or pay for guests to attend.

Putting the costs onto guests because they want a holiday abroad at the same time I find selfish. The cost of the wedding should be funded by the couple.

FloconDeNeige · 06/03/2020 07:40

Sometimes getting married abroad is unavoidable though. DH and I are different nationalities, so one of us was going to have to get married overseas. We chose to do it in his hometown as it was closer to where we lived, so less hassle to make the arrangements (having it in the UK would have meant flying back and forth for the preparations). Of course this meant that some of my side were unable to come, but if we’d had it in the UK then he’d have been in the same situation.

I accept that this is somewhat different to two people from the same country deciding to wed abroad though.

Hadjab · 06/03/2020 07:46

I’m currently at a wedding abroad - the bride gave us 2 years notice as it’s expensive, but well worth it. As the couple, you do have to accept that you’ll have fewer guests than at home, as not everyone will be able to afford it - some of the grooms family couldn’t make it, sadly, for that reason.

Echobelly · 06/03/2020 07:54

I have to say I don't get people planning weddings that family or friends might not be able to afford. We got married in another part of UK (mainly husband's idea) that was day-trippable from where and most friends live and I was a bit worried we were asking too much of guests by even doing that!

OllyBJolly · 06/03/2020 08:05

We paid for our family to attend our wedding (only 12 people- long haul flights, accommodation, most food and drink for two weeks). Still cost less than a bigger wedding at home and everyone had a lovely holiday.

Seeitsortit · 06/03/2020 08:06

We went to Jamaica last year on holiday - one off trip of a lifetime.
I loved the place but the cost means that this definitely WAS a one off trip of a lifetime! It was a lovely hotel but not luxury hotel and for 4 of us it was more than £5k........I guess she’s never actually looked at the cost of Jamaica......

opticaldelusion · 06/03/2020 08:08

People who expect their loved ones to shell out hundreds or even thousands of pounds just to indulge their fantasy wedding are rude and self-indulgent.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/03/2020 08:13

However, as it is your sister, you could maybe start saving once she gets engaged as you’ll probably have at least a years notice. Why should I save for my sister's wedding when I could be saving for a deposit on a house?

daisypond · 06/03/2020 08:20

I would expect the couple to pay for flights etc for their guests if they want a Caribbean vanity wedding and they want people to attend. Even then, I would expect some won’t get the time off work or school, and there are those who aren’t allowed to fly at all.

fairislecable · 06/03/2020 08:20

I was in a lovely hotel on Hamilton Island and watched as a table was placed on the sand, the couple got married in a really short ceremony, no guests just two waiters for witnesses. No music, no joy, no smiles or laughter.

Until then I had always thought a beach wedding would be glamorous

It was very sad.

10FrozenFingers · 06/03/2020 08:22

Weddings abroad are self indulgent and selfish.

If it's what you want don't expect friends and family to spend stupid money watching you indulge yourselves. Go on your own.

5foot5 · 06/03/2020 08:27

YANBU at all. Quite apart from the expense, a destinations wedding that potentially takes up several days once travel is taken in to account, could be using up a significant part of someones leave entitlement and thus dictating where and when they spend their holiday for that year

Pinksaffire · 06/03/2020 08:29

YANBU. We got married abroad 12 years ago. We had booked a beautiful venue at home but after adding up the cost and realising the wedding was becoming very political we decided to cancel and book the wedding in the Caribbean.
We told friends and family that it was an open invitation to come but we wouldn’t be upset if people couldn’t as we knew it would be expensive.
We were fortunate that 30 of our friends and family came and it was such an amazing experience.
My husbands father and one of his sisters didn’t/couldn’t come and we respected that, this has had no impact on our relationship.

Aridane · 06/03/2020 08:29

It’s fair for you not to go. She accepts this. No arguments. It’s fair for her to be disappointed as long as she understands that you can’t afford to go?

Agree with this

TooManySocks · 06/03/2020 08:33

No need for a thread

Alright, thread police, calm down Grin

I got married abroad - we made it clear we didn't expect anyone else to come! or want anyone else there Was lovely, just DH and I. YANBU at all :)

TooManySocks · 06/03/2020 08:35

@fairislecable it could have been absolutely perfect for them, you can't know how they felt :)

AuntieMarys · 06/03/2020 08:38

I would never go to a wedding abroad. I have been.invited to a couple but declined. I wasn't going to give up my hard earned holiday entitlement and pay £££ to go to a party.
A ridiculous waste of money

FloconDeNeige · 06/03/2020 08:56

@opticaldelusion

I got married abroad; in DH’s country. We’re different nationalities so at least one of us was going to have to get married abroad and it turned out to be me. I accepted that not everyone from my side could come. But I resent anyone saying I I was being self-indulgent or selfish as I obviously absolutely wasn’t!

Littlebluetruck · 06/03/2020 09:26

Weddings abroad are self indulgent and selfish

Really?

We chose to get married abroad as we didn’t want to spent tens of thousands of pounds catering for people we rarely see to come and get drunk for a few hours.

That way, we were able to spend money on the people that we are actually close to by giving them a nice room in a beautiful Villa, paying for food and drinks for a few days and really getting to spend quality time with our loved ones. It was wonderful.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 06/03/2020 09:33

She tried to say you can get flights to Jamaica for £500 Confused but surely they would depend when you book and if you book in advance you won’t know the prices. That doesn’t include accommodation either which I know she will want the best she can get. I definitely won’t be the only one not going!

OP posts:
Seeitsortit · 06/03/2020 09:38

So even at that, that’s £2500 for you and the DV’s before accommodation, food, spending money, outfits, gift...........she really hasn’t thought it through.......

Seeitsortit · 06/03/2020 09:38

DV’s????? D’oh - DC’s
SorryBlush