Aibu weddings abroad?

[PumpkinP]

Was talking to my sister earlier and she said that when she gets married she wants to get married abroad. She isn't actually engaged so just hypothetical. I mentioned that I wouldn't be able to come in that case and she was disappointed and seemed to think it was a bit out of order. But I would never be able to afford it (Caribbean) I don't mind not going. Aibu to think that if you choose to get married abroad then you just have to accept that some people might not be able to come?

She is ridiculous. We are what people would consider fairly comfortable, but we could never afford to take ourselves and DC to the Caribbean on holidays - and if we could I certainly would not want to go there for a fortnight with either my siblings or DH's siblings - waves to Dsis - not due to not liking them, but I would not want to have to do group activities for 2 weeks.

I think having a wedding abroad, unless one of you is from that country and has family there, is selfish if you expect family to attend - it is a huge ask of people to spend what little money and time they have spare attending your wedding and having to spend the rest of the time with extended family.

Surely the B&G should be helping close family pay to go if they choose to hold their wedding abroad?

I’ve got a reasonably unpopular opinion that weddings aren’t actually about the couple alone, they’re celebrations you should want your guest to actually enjoy

I share your views @Merryoldgoat. A wedding is about getting married and having a party, with the bride and groom as hosts. A good host ensures that their guests are happy and well catered for (and aren't resentful about paying £££££ to attend).

I also think that child free weddings are a bit self-indulgent and a little me, me me. But I have family and friends who either make their children behave or remove them if they are being disruptive.

Missing the point here, but I don’t understand the appeal at all of getting married on some random beach in the Caribbean, even if you do have friends present. Obviously if it is your home country, that’s different. Is it actually legal and do you have to get married properly elsewhere?

Pretty Sure it’s legal. I can definitely see the appeal. She says she hates this country and wants to get married somewhere hot.

daisypond I think some people value place above people. I value people above place. Although a nice venue for a wedding is pretty important, I wouldn't want to price people out of coming to a wedding.

Not a fan of destination weddings.

Sometimes there's a good reason, but usually it's a sign that the couple value a pretty location over sharing their joy with the people who love them the most.

YANBU

@Ginfordinner

I agree about the child free weddings too.

I had a reasonably expensive wedding but spent the vast majority on booze and food so no one had to spend money on the day, it was local so no travel for the majority.

I just figured BEING married was the important bit.

We did have a Caribbean honeymoon though!

YANBU

I got married abroad and I think she is being unreasonable and possibly deluded. If you choose to marry in a far flung location you have to accept that people can't or choose not to attend.

I am from the UK and DH from a European country where I didn't speak the language. With elderly parents both sides (his never leaving the village, let alone the country) and neither of us religious, we decided to go to Vegas - just the two us - not sad or indulgent just our choice.

My family is complicated half of it is NC, five of his family members would have meant over 20 children under 8. I love a good wedding but had never wanted the big, grand princess for a day celebration.

In the end his best friend and wife and my best friend guessed what we were doing. (both childless at the time with disposable income) and they wanted to come - to be honest it was a better time with them there, we had such fun.

The reason we didn't tell people before hand is because we couldn't afford to pay for them to attend and didn't want to put pressure on people. We had postcards made of a wedding photograph and sent one to everyone we knew so it arrived home before we did.

A few people said they would have attended if they had known. The immediate family were fine about it as we had picked a neutral place. 14 years and two kids later, we have no regrets - we don't feel like WE missed out.

I cannot get my head round the idea that anyone would think that a beach is a nice place to get married. It’s just weird to me

Picking a random, unconnected country and expecting people to spend ££££s to go there and plan a significant proportion of their annual leave around it is selfish.
Anyone who chooses to go is a bonus not a right.

Couples who come from distant locations are different as they can't hold the wedding locally to all. Some of mine and DH's family had contradictory needs on timing. I accept that a few of my extended relatives were inevitably unable to come at the time that DH's siblings and their children could come (DH's from home country, mine from country that they emmigrated to.)

A friend had a sibling choose a far flung destination wedding. It's a very small family and they were the only family member without the spare ££££ to go. I thought it was a bit shitty to leave one sibling excluded from the family like that.

@Fantasiaa you don't need to answer a thread it's not law! Are you policing all threads?

YADBU OP. however your sister is and she needs to make her choices!

And whilst people are saying you could save for it, what if you just don't want to spend £XXXX on a holiday and feel if could be put to better use elsewhere.

Why should you have to save up for someone else's wedding? If I saved £5000, I'd have plenty of ideas of my own about how to spend it.
I do wonder how many of these dream weddings really fulfil the dream. I've seen some blotchy, mosquito-bitten, sweaty looking brides in tacky hotel surroundings - wouldn't be my idea of a wedding!

However, as it is your sister, you could maybe start saving once she gets engaged as you’ll probably have at least a years notice

If I'm going to go without luxuries for years in order to save you can bet your arse that I'm not going to spend it at someone else whim.

Yanbu though with lots of notice I personally would try to go, I left the kids with my parents when I attended weddings abroad when they were small, and took them to a a couple of European ones. If I remarry however it will be a simple church ceremony followed by dinner because, call me old fashioned, but it is about the vows not the party!

When my kids were little, a family member was getting married abroad (she lived there, so fair enough). We were scraping by, on our arses most the time, I was a single mum to five kids, no contributions from their 'D'F at all. I was told about the wedding a year before 'so I'd have time to save up'. There was simply nothing left to 'save up' from!

So, yes, OP, your Dsis is BU, you are not.

Can’t leave them with anyone I’m a lone parent. Don’t have anyone that can have 4 children for a week either.

OP- you must know this isn't unreasonable. Everyone knows thats the deal with destination weddings- if you want one, go for it! but they have to acknowledge and respect that not everyone will be able to afford it, be able to travel, get annual leave, leave their kids etc there are multiple reasons which make a wedding across the other side of the world completely un-doable for loads of people. Even if they could afford it and could get the annual leave- maybe they dont bloody want to spend the little time off they get at someone else's wedding!

If I had the money for an exotic holiday i'd want to spend it with my own family at a place of my choosing. Its completely NORMAL for people to decline destination weddings and if you have one, you have to accept this.

However, as it is your sister, you could maybe start saving once she gets engaged as you’ll probably have at least a years notice

Bollocks to that. If I spend years saving up i'm spending it on my own family - and my kids. If its so important to the sister for family to be there, she can compromise by having a UK celebration and another one abroad- that solves the problem nicely.

YANBU. We could afford that and we'd still be having a very long think about it. The destination would need to be a place we'd always wanted to go to, among other things. 5k is a huge amount of money and someone expecting people to pay anywhere close to that has to know there will be a lot of people unable to make it.

(Her comment about ticket prices being about £500 must be based around flights during school terms, not during school holidays)

Sorry YABU.

If she had booked a weddding abroad and asked you to come, than your response had been as you stated that would be fine.

But she has given you an idea, on an unspecified date.
You have immediately said you cant make it. How would you know what your financial situation will be then? You maybe able to all go, or you on your own or maybe none of you will be able to go. Why would you say no now with out knowing ?

This strikes me as a control thing, you have crushed this fantasy of hers on the basis of what you want.

How is it a control thing? I would never in a million years attend a wedding in the Caribbean. It’s not just about finances.

@ Cheeseandwin5

We’re not talking about a wedding in Spain - The flights alone for 4 kids and 1/2 adults to the Caribbean in holiday time will be around £4K.

Outfits, accommodation, gifts, spending money. Well. That’s easily another £1500.

To save that in a year would cost £500 a month - even reasonably high earners would have difficulty putting that aside. And it’s entirely reasonable to not want to spend that much for a wedding.

OP is perfectly reasonable to say ’I won’t be going’ in advance of plans so her sister understands the implications of her choices.

OP is perfectly reasonable to say ’I won’t be going’ in advance of plans so her sister understands the implications of her choices

Totally agree. Its far better for OP to let her sister have a realistic expectation now than say "yes! of course i'll come" and then later on rescind it. Its not purely about being able to afford it. I could save up for that easily, but the fact is I would not WANT to spend such a large chunk of money on something that is essentially one day for someone else. Its 5k for goodness sake. That could be spent on the OP's kids future uni fees or something far more necessary and valuable.

Its also extremely privileged to say "well just save up for it!" as if we all have an extra £500 every month just lying around waiting to be spent. Somepeople are in debt, some are struggling to pay bills, some are anticipating future bills- we can only judge out situation on where we are now, not on some imaginary "well maybe in a years time i'll have a job paying 200k a year!" its a nice thought but not a very practical or realistic one.