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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel on my friend

78 replies

Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 15:17

I have an old schoolfriend who I've known for about 25 years.

We usually see each other a couple of times a year, plus maybe one extra time as part of a big group of school friends who all get together every so often.

We were close when we were younger, but have grown apart in terms of values and lifestyle as we have got older. I find her children absolute little shits (not that I would ever tell her this) and so when we're meeting "just us", I try to make sure it is "just us" - e.g. not with our respective children.

She is DREADFUL (and always has been) at replying to texts/emails etc. I messaged her in December to see if she'd like to meet up. I never heard back from her. I followed up in January with a breezy, "Hi - hope you're OK - how are things?", and got a reply, with a suggestion of two dates in March that worked for her.

I replied straight away saying both dates were fine.

I heard nothing for 3 weeks. At that point she texted me and chose a date, so long as it was still free for me (it was). I said great, what time works for you?

I have heard nothing.

This was two weeks ago. We are supposed to be meeting on Saturday. I am reluctant to chase again, as very honestly I'm not all that bothered about seeing her. But equally I don't want to fall out with her because we are part of a wider group of friends - and life's easier without unnecessary drama.

I am cross that she takes her sweet time replying to my messages, with the expectation I'll keep everything free for her.

Would I be unreasonable to text her saying that as we hadn't put any firm time in diary, I'm no longer free?

OP posts:
Splitsunrise · 05/03/2020 15:19

Yeah I’d just leave it completely, don’t reply and if she messages on Saturday say “oh I hadn’t heard from you for so long I assumed you could no longer do it”. Or yes just reply as you said. What a cheek!

BillysMyBunny · 05/03/2020 15:20

I probably wouldn’t contact her at all and just let the date pass as it doesn’t sound like she is going to bother getting in contact with you. If she does happen to make contact then I think it’s fine to say you’re no longer free as she didn’t confirm the time so you assumed she wasn’t able to make it, but if she doesn’t get in touch I wouldn’t either.

katy1213 · 05/03/2020 15:21

I wouldn't. Wait until she contacts you - leave it until the very last minute, then reply saying, sorry, as you hadn't heard from her, you'd made other arrangements.

KidCaneGoat · 05/03/2020 15:24

Just leave it. If she gets in touch then say ‘that date is no longer available as you didn’t confirm it’. I no longer keep dates free for people if they don’t confirm back within a few days.

iheartislesofwight · 05/03/2020 15:24

i'd let the 'friendship' drop quietly, it sounds pretty non exsistant anyway.
even if she is a bit rubbish at getting things sorted out, she'd still make more effort if she really wanted to meet up.

Astar123 · 05/03/2020 15:26

I would personally just leave the friendship as it is and just remain civil with them for the sake if causing no drama.

Heismyopendoor · 05/03/2020 15:27

I wouldn’t reply at all and wait and see what she does

Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 15:28

It's a tricky one because we did agree on a day - and loosely - on dinner, so it's not as if I could claim it wasn't in diary. It's just the ridiculous chasing to get any type of detail from her.

It would feel disingenuous to pretend I'd forgotten all about it, but I'm definitely not in the right frame of mind to want to travel an hour to a different city to meet her.

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 05/03/2020 15:30

This is the trouble with texts. You need a phone conversation!

Lippy1234 · 05/03/2020 15:31

If she messages then meet her this time and then don’t send any more messages after and see what happens.

sonjadog · 05/03/2020 15:37

If you already have a date and have decided on dinner, then do you really need to confirm an exact time so much in advance? I would have thought a couple of nights before would be fine (unless you need to know to book a babysitter, or something like that?).

BackOnThatRollerCoaster · 05/03/2020 15:38

Goodness she sounds like a pain in the arse. I think you have been incredible patient with her. YANBU at all, just cancel so it is on your terms and you know what you are doing.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 15:43

Just tell her somethings come up. Then let her contact you to arrange next time.

Mary46 · 05/03/2020 16:03

Find my friend flaky too. Could you say it wasnt confirmed so you had something else on. I cut back alot found I was doing all the texting driving to theirs and all 1 sided unless I made the plans

Motoko · 05/03/2020 16:20

Why are you having to travel to her? Do you always do the travelling?

PlugholePencil · 05/03/2020 16:20

Gosh I can relate! I have a friend who doesn’t respond to texts for weeks and then bombards me with say 15 all along the lines are ‘sorry I didn’t respond’, ‘been mega busy’, ‘would love to still meet up’ etc.
Her only redeeming feature is that she completely holds her hands up.
I will still message her to arrange meeting up though because when I do see her we have a good time together, it’s just a lot of effort to get arrangements confirmed.
I guess you have to decide if you enjoy her company enough to do the leg work. If not, let it fizzle out.

Isthistrueor · 05/03/2020 16:23

She’s not really interested in meeting up and is pretending to be to placate you, she probably doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 05/03/2020 16:23

If you only see each other three times a year it's not much of a friendship anyway.

Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 16:30

I'm not travelling to her city. I live in Nottingham, she lives in Birmingham (ish), we're meeting in Leicester, so about an hour for both of us.

I admit I'm someone who likes to have everything planned in advance so some of this is my own irritation at not having plans sorted. If it was a one off, I'd grit my teeth and get on with it, but it is every time we communicate. It feels like a poker game. (But probably isn't.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 16:33

Power game. Not poker game.

OP posts:
fibeee · 05/03/2020 16:42

Personally speaking if a day has been agreed I would keep it free and message her saying you need a time today so you can plan around it. If she doesn’t reply within 24 hours then forget about it.

After this meet-up personally I would let the friendship fade away and not contact her again. Too much chasing involved. It sounds like you have been very flexible with her (difficult for people who like to be organised) and she needs to up her game.

If seeing you is important to her she will get in contact.

forrestgreen · 05/03/2020 16:44

Have you arranged a restaurant?

I'd not message as much as it'll bug you. Set a time where you'd have to leave. Message to say sorry I've not heard from you, we'll try another meet up soon.

Then leave it.

Bbq1 · 05/03/2020 16:46

Phone her!

VenusTiger · 05/03/2020 16:48

Why don't you just naturally drift apart and keep in contact via. email from now on OP - you've created your own problem here in that you emailed her in December and then January and chased her up etc. just stop doing it at all - just don't meet anymore.
Send a message tonight cancelling saying you or DC have a stomach bug and then don't ever rearrange.

Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 16:48

No, we haven't arranged a restaurant.

I know I probably could text her again and say I need to know today, but it feels like I'm doing all the legwork, when genuinely I'm not that bothered about seeing her.

It would feel super petty to say, "If I don't hear from you by 8 p.m. this evening I'll assume we're not meeting", as obviously we have set a date already, and it's just annoying she's not replied!

OP posts:
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