To cancel on my friend

[Grouphugs]

I have an old schoolfriend who I've known for about 25 years.

We usually see each other a couple of times a year, plus maybe one extra time as part of a big group of school friends who all get together every so often.

We were close when we were younger, but have grown apart in terms of values and lifestyle as we have got older. I find her children absolute little shits (not that I would ever tell her this) and so when we're meeting "just us", I try to make sure it is "just us" - e.g. not with our respective children.

She is DREADFUL (and always has been) at replying to texts/emails etc. I messaged her in December to see if she'd like to meet up. I never heard back from her. I followed up in January with a breezy, "Hi - hope you're OK - how are things?", and got a reply, with a suggestion of two dates in March that worked for her.

I replied straight away saying both dates were fine.

I heard nothing for 3 weeks. At that point she texted me and chose a date, so long as it was still free for me (it was). I said great, what time works for you?

I have heard nothing.

This was two weeks ago. We are supposed to be meeting on Saturday. I am reluctant to chase again, as very honestly I'm not all that bothered about seeing her. But equally I don't want to fall out with her because we are part of a wider group of friends - and life's easier without unnecessary drama.

I am cross that she takes her sweet time replying to my messages, with the expectation I'll keep everything free for her.

Would I be unreasonable to text her saying that as we hadn't put any firm time in diary, I'm no longer free?

Why don't you send her a message saying something like "Are we still meeting for dinner on Saturday? I'm keen to book a restaurant if so, so can you let me know tonight please?"

Or "Are we still meeting for dinner on Saturday? I've been asked out by some local friends too which I'm up for if you're not keen so can you let me know tonight please?"

Or, just call her and ask, which is the easiest way to get an answer!

Why don’t you just call her?

Tbh I'd just cancel
Df sorry somethings come up so I can't make dinner. See you soon.

And then see how long it takes for her to organise a meeting

Totally sidestepping the point, I know, but if you do meet in Leicester, check out the Van Gogh immersive experience! www.vangoghexpo.co.uk/about-the-exhibition/

I would message and say you'd just realised, you're double booked though.

Then just not initiate again.

Phone her. Maybe she doesn't like texting

Just cancel. 1. If it is a power game (and I agree with you it's probably not, she's probably just a bit flaky) then you're dropping the ball so the game can't keep going and 2. You don't even want to go! Life's too short for the angst.

Cancel politely, have a nice evening in, don't bother trying to see her again one on one, see her at group gatherings with no awkwardness.

Pretend txt was never invented and make an actual phone call. Unless either one of you has some pre-acknowledged reason why using the telephone to speak to each other is verboten.

I would go with you booking dinner somewhere, then informing her of the time and place, adding "Hope that is ok?"

Dear God do not book a restaurant and then tell her. She's just not that into you. Agree with a PP, just leave it completely, don’t reply and if she messages on Saturday say “oh I hadn’t heard from you for so long I assumed you could no longer do it”.

I get that you're a planner but you need to ease up a bit, you're giving this whole thing way more headspace than your (shit) friend is.

“said great, what time works for you?

I have heard nothing”

You could just have said “great, see you at 7 at xxx then”.

Or just call and avoid all these back and forths.

Its annoying because you need to plan your trip. I think you would be better making an excuse and cancelling her or you'll be keeping the date free and trying to pin her down.
You can still see her as part of your larger group and then she mentions meeting up in future be breezy 'yes we must / that would be great' and don't initiate anything.
It's hard but sometimes you have to draw a line under friendships when they leave you disappointed and undervalued.

I'd leave it. X

I'd either give her a deadline by which to give you the time she'll be finished, or I'd text her and cancel OP. I'd find this infuriating as well.

And I don't think it looks like you're expecting her to make all the decisions. She's the one with previous plans that need working around, so she needs to supply the necessary information like what time she's done. I'd also not bother trying to organise anything anymore because that is just irritating!

I’d leave it if you’re not that bothered. She’s the one who needs to reply to your message.

Phone and arrange exact details, or just let the date slip.

Stop texting vagueish stuff now or in future.

You both sound exhausting.

When she first gave two dates why di you have to go back to her and ask which one? She gave you two dates, instead of going back and asking her to pick one you could have said ‘great, let’s meet on xx, 7pm at xx in Leicester?’

Why does each separate detail depend on batting it back for a reply?

She is either a bit flaky or overloaded, you sound a bit PA.

Do you actually want to meet? Or just find a way for not meeting to be her fault?

For this particular example we didn’t need to know that you view her kids as ‘shits’, but you felt you needed to tell us

@sw16

This

If you want to meet, pick up the phone and ask if xx restaurant at xx time works. It takes two minutes. If she doesn't answer, WhatsApp asking her to give you a quick ring to sort dinner plans.

If you don't, then tell her you're not feeling up to it and you'll catch her next time. Then leave it –she won't get round to organising anything, you still get to see her at group things and you get to stay in like you actually want to.

Honestly, the time you've spent getting wound up about this could've been solved with a two-minute phone call.

Did you meet up today?

It doesn’t sound like either of you are that bothered about the friendship. I’d just stick to the group meet ups and not arrange the other ones from now on.

Definitely phone rather than text.
Along the lines of still OK for XX - or do you want to give it a miss.
She sounds hard work.

She texted on Friday morning saying a time she'd be free. I booked a restaurant and told her where it was and asked her to confirm back, which she did (after a mere 3 hour gap).

We actually had a nice evening. I didn't mention the (lack of) etiquette.

Now just leave to her to organise the next meetup

She will cheerfully get in touch to organise stuff with me (I'm not that much of a mug!) but then is just rubbish at replying to a conversation she's initiated.