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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel on my friend

78 replies

Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 15:17

I have an old schoolfriend who I've known for about 25 years.

We usually see each other a couple of times a year, plus maybe one extra time as part of a big group of school friends who all get together every so often.

We were close when we were younger, but have grown apart in terms of values and lifestyle as we have got older. I find her children absolute little shits (not that I would ever tell her this) and so when we're meeting "just us", I try to make sure it is "just us" - e.g. not with our respective children.

She is DREADFUL (and always has been) at replying to texts/emails etc. I messaged her in December to see if she'd like to meet up. I never heard back from her. I followed up in January with a breezy, "Hi - hope you're OK - how are things?", and got a reply, with a suggestion of two dates in March that worked for her.

I replied straight away saying both dates were fine.

I heard nothing for 3 weeks. At that point she texted me and chose a date, so long as it was still free for me (it was). I said great, what time works for you?

I have heard nothing.

This was two weeks ago. We are supposed to be meeting on Saturday. I am reluctant to chase again, as very honestly I'm not all that bothered about seeing her. But equally I don't want to fall out with her because we are part of a wider group of friends - and life's easier without unnecessary drama.

I am cross that she takes her sweet time replying to my messages, with the expectation I'll keep everything free for her.

Would I be unreasonable to text her saying that as we hadn't put any firm time in diary, I'm no longer free?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 05/03/2020 16:52

No I'd say to myself I need to leave at x to go get to Leicester. I'd need an hour to get ready. So if I haven't heard by then I'm not answering my phone.

BrimfulofSasha · 05/03/2020 16:52

I can kind of see this from both sides- you may be doing all the chasing but it seems like you are expecting her to do all the decision making.
You need to be succinct with plans "Hi X, are you free to meet on X date, at X time at X location"

If she says no then the ball is in her court to come up with an alternative.

There is no need for so much back and forth. Open questions are options not decisions.

Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 16:55

@BrimfulofSasha Yes, I do get it could seem like that. She had originally suggested doing something in Leicester that she was planning anyway and I didn't want to do, so I said, "Not really my cup of tea, but I will meet you afterwards for dinner?" So not quite as ball-always-in-her-court as it might seem.

If she had come back with a time when she would have finished her activity by, I would have booked a suitable restaurant.

OP posts:
Lippy1234 · 05/03/2020 16:57

Just text and say what’s the arrangement for Saturday and that you need to know by tonight so you can make your plans.
After this meeting don’t arrange any others.

Asgoodasarest · 05/03/2020 17:07

I understand why, but you’re making this overly complicated. As you already have an arrangement in place, phone her to confirm it all and then hopefully have a nice time.

If you are really fed up with how it works out, don’t arrange separate things from now on and just see her with the group.

It’s frustrating to feel like you’re doing all the running I know.

AmayaBuzzbee · 05/03/2020 17:13

Just text to say ”Hi! something has come up and I can’t meet up on Saturday anymore. Really sorry about this. Will re-organise soon x” And then just don’t get in contact anymore.

WickedlyPetite · 05/03/2020 17:23

It's just the ridiculous chasing to get any type of detail from her.

Well... she suggested Leicester, she suggested dates, and now you want her to suggest a time.

This sounds to me like hard work to get any type of detail from you.

Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 17:28

I suggested Leicester. I suggested dinner. She sent me two dates and I said both were fine.

I just needed (need) a time when she would have finished her activity.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 05/03/2020 17:33

Option A: Shall we say Pizza Express at 8 on Saturday? Enjoy the evening but don't make any more effort in the future.

Option B: Say nothing... wait for her to come up with a plan. Keep the evening free but keep a nice bottle of wine and something in the freezer as a back up. If she doesn't text you, then just let things slide. She might text you at the last minute in which case you can be honest and say you didn't think she was really keen so decided to stop pushing.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/03/2020 17:34

Sorry it doesnt take 30 seconds to reply to a text message, she is totally wasting your time and energy.
As I understand it you currently have a date and maybe place but no time.
I would just leave it and let her contact you .
If you find something else to do than do that and if she calls , just tell her you assumed it had been postponed as you didnt hear from her.
If you dont have anything else to do and she calls than its up to you if you want to go or not.
Either way going forward I would distance myself if Iw as you from this person, include her in group meetings, and if she doesnt reply who cares as hopefully others will, but the one on ones seem to be to much of a pain.

Mary46 · 05/03/2020 17:36

I think your friend at fault leaving it so vague. Could you say Hi x booked this wend had we confirmed our times. Or we can meet another time. Would you let me know. Draining chase people yes.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/03/2020 17:36

@BrimfulofSasha
I can kind of see this from both sides- you may be doing all the chasing but it seems like you are expecting her to do all the decision making.

Having re read the thread you are 100% correct.
I think these two would be better in group outings.

Mary46 · 05/03/2020 17:38

She sounds time wasting.. had few friends like that

Motoko · 05/03/2020 17:43

OP hasn't suggested a time, because she doesn't know what time her friend is finishing the thing she's got on beforehand.

Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 17:45

My last message to her was:

"Meeting for dinner sounds great. Let me know what time you will have finished your activity and I'll book a restaurant."

Would it seem passive-aggressive to send her a message saying, "I have booked X restaurant for 7 p.m. as I didn't hear back from you. Hope this time suits. Can you please confirm?"

The problem is, if she doesn't reply again (or leaves it to the last minute) I'm still in limbo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 17:46

Also it feels very "chasey" when this is sort of the opposite of how I feel.

I would MUCH rather spend the evening on the sofa (total introvert) watching Netflix with DH.

But I don't want to be shitty with her because even if I do let the friendship ebb after this, I will still see her regularly enough with our wider group of friends, that I don't want it to be awkward.

OP posts:
Lippy1234 · 05/03/2020 17:47

Just cancel and forget about it.

RealBecca · 05/03/2020 17:51

Sort it this time and next time just ring her?

Unless you're just looking for an excuse to drop her? You don't have to be friends with her if you don't want to.

Jimmers · 05/03/2020 17:54

I’d leave it. If she texts a time I’d reply “oh! As you hadn’t confirmed time I assumed you’d changed your mind & made other plans! Hope you enjoyed [activity].

OhCaptain · 05/03/2020 17:54

But why are you chasing her so much? If you want to see her that badly then send another message. If you don’t then cancel!

Jimmers · 05/03/2020 17:54

(Posted too soon but you get the gist!)

livefornaps · 05/03/2020 17:59

I'd just forget it. If she gets back to you, say you hadn't heard from her and so didn't book anything and you now have other plans. This doesn't even sound like a friendship. Leave her to do the running next time

idontlike789 · 05/03/2020 18:05

*and got a reply, with a suggestion of two dates in March that worked for her.

I replied straight away saying both dates were fine.*

I get what your saying the replying back late would puss me off but you sound a bit like my friend she wants me to choose a date me to choose the time etc . She text back and gave you a option of 2 dates that were fine for her she wants you to tell her which date suits you not to say I'm fine with both someone has to choose .
it's the same with the time tell her which time suits you and then you can agree . Your expecting her to make all the decisions then getting annoyed because she hasn't and why should she ? . If she doesn't reply say I'm fine with Saturday the 7th at 7pm ok with you ? .

Original poster
Grouphugs · 05/03/2020 18:47

I'm in Leicester so infrequently that I don't even know if you need to book everywhere in advance these days... but that's a down-the-line problem!

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 05/03/2020 18:55

There are some friendships where you have to all the running. Twas ever thus.

I do a lot of the arranging in my social circle but I've just remembered I've got two people waiting for replies from me about proposed dates Blush