Sick of the lectures from DF and family when they don’t have a clue

[moneymoneyhaventgotany]

We are in financial difficulties. Serious ones
We are doing absolutely everything we can to sort it out and all I’m getting is shitty judgemental advice from family. No offers of any help just patronising advice

Time and time again I explain what we’ve done so far to sort this mess out and they act like I’m not doing enough.
We have got rid of everything that was an unecessary expense, waiting on stepchange advice (have to wait as advised by them as waiting on 2 claims one for dla one for pip and they said there’s no point calculating it now as it’s takes over an hour and is likely to change within the next few weeks)
Dh lost his job last year and we had weeks with barely any money
We’ve sold everything we could possibly sell
We have budgeted for food and eat as cheaply as we can.
Changed energy suppliers , etc etc looked for the cheapest car insurance and compared everything
We don’t go out. Ever
We have no hobbies
We don’t drink smoke or get takeaways

All I’m getting is your need to cut back more’
And ‘stop wasting money on anything unecessary’ we don’t ffs
I’ve been cutting the kids hair myself
I haven’t had a haircut in 3 years
We do t even get coffees out literally nothing

Dd called me lazy as our car insurance is so expensive (£90 a month)apparently he pays that per year but it was the cheapest we could get and each time I say this he calls me a liar says I’m just not making the effort

Other family members for example will say ‘oh I saw this you should get one for dc’ I explain I can’t and get comments as if I don’t care and don’t want to treat my children I do but I can’t get random treats for no reason

It seems to be the older members of the family maybe they just aren’t aware of the pressures faced today ? I’m trying not to get angry

ALSO I MUST add this is NOT a begging thread we are sorting things out (slowly) I’m just venting and ranting because I feel like nobody understands. We have food in the house and the dc are warm and clothes and we will get there it’s just when I’m trying so hard I feel so shit when my family speak to me this way

Sorry DF not dd!

That spund

Stop discussing it with them?

Every time they make a comment ask “why do you think I’m not already doing that?”

Let them explain themselves.

“Oh you should treat the children!”

“I can’t afford to. Why do you think I wouldn’t treat them if I could?”

Let them explain their platitudes and judgmental attitudes. Make them spell it out. Bet they’ve no good reason.

It’s hard as I needed someone to talk to you would think your parents and close family would be the people you could get support from

What help is it that you think they should offer?

I know we are doing all we can I think what I wanted was just I don’t know to go there, have a cup of tea and a chat, get a bit of support and some kindness just something as it’s relentless instead I feel judged all this ‘well you aren’t doing enough’ attitude

Sounds like they are v critical and not supportive at all. I think either distance yourself for a while or, if the conversation turns to this subject, quickly shut it down saying “I am not discussing this anymore”.

Mind you - £90 a month car insurance? . Ours is about £240 per annum I think. We are with LV.

Just someone to listen and be supportive.
I’m starting to think they 1) have no idea as never experienced hardship so just don’t understand and 2) there’s an element of ‘we would never have let it get to this stage when you were a child’ but I feel like saying I remember all the times my rich grandparents stepped in (things like paying the mortgage off when df was made redundant) so they really don’t understand

Sorry to hear that, OP. It sounds difficult without the unsupportive family. I would have struggled not to bite back at the 'liar' comment concerning the insurance. No surprise someone older gets cheaper insurance. Hope things get better soon. Good luck.

It used to be £213 a month so £90 is a lot better.
I think it’s the combination of relatively new driver, larger car and had a couple of accidents but it was the cheapest just hoping that goes down each year

How absolutely horrible. My heart goes out to you. I can never understand why people don't help their children out however old they are. And as for treating the grandchildren thats one of life's great pleasures.

I think that when people aren’t in financial difficulties it’s hard to see how others can be.

He’s right about the car insurance though. What are the factors which influence your policy? Young/inexperienced drivers? Lost no claims discount? Driving/speeding offences? Type of car? Those are the kinds of prices I’d be expecting to pay for a young driver.

So if your insurance costs are prohibitively high why is that?

It’s shitty that they’re not giving you support and only making you feel worse. It doesn’t sound like they’re listening to you.

It may be they are not the most imaginative based on your last post, OP. Many people see themselves as the hero of their own story so easy for them to say 'we'd have never...' and conveniently forget what help they received and/or not realise the world or circumstances may be different.

I feel like yes, I know I’ve got everything in place and cut back all we can and I have stepchange in the pipeline once I know accurate income one way or another.
All I wanted was a bit of support from them not judgement
It will get better but it just feels like they are unecessarily harsh over this

Are they unsympathetic to the cause(s) of your financial woes?

Is DH working again? Are you?

Oh yes and there’s 3 points I think on license that would affect it ? (I’m not The driver it’s dh )

I would cut right back on talking to them and spending time with them. You sound like you're doing well in a tough position.

Have you had a look at the earn £10 a day threads to see if there are things you could do to bring in a bit more cash?

Yes dh is working again

Being older is one of the best ways to cut car insurance premiums. It’s hard to age on demand. If you’ve already shopped around and that’s the lowest price you can only ask your provider if there’s anything you can do to bring the price down further. Some insurers offer premium discounts for Dashcam users. That might not help if you can’t afford the outlay for the camera.

I hear you, it sucks. And parents always makes you feel worse. I'd suggest they buy whatever they are saying the children need. I always say it's "cutbacks" here, not in the budget.

My parents say it's our own fault we don't have much money, but like you I do what we can. eBay stuff too or Facebook marketplace. Then they complain about our supermarket own brand biscuits 😂

I do find it's easy to justify stuff for the kids they might not need, extra clothes, decorations for the Easter, branded foods. I also never buy even a coffee out and we do lots of free things. Although I took DS to a play place yesterday as he's been asking for months and no I shouldn't have, but he loved it. It's very hard to know what to spend on as essential. You could say biscuits are non essential, going to parties, how far do you take it ? You have to live.

If you get DLA/PIP awarded at the right rate you should seriously consider a motability car. Sometimes things just have to work themselves out. Hubby lost full time work 4 years ago and the list of things we've cut out is enormous. We're finally back on track and getting to a place where we have £75 in our joint savings account.

Can you just shoot back what you said upthread? I want support, not judgement - a bit blunt but they're being quite unhelpful

OP my car insurance was £90 a month after getting caught speeding twice and getting points. Now it s £36 a month on a Mercedes parked overnight on my street (points expired). I think you need to have another look around for cheaper.
Are you claiming other benefits you could be entitled to? Housing/council tax?
Can you switch energy supplier? We have e on it s £24 a month on electric, 40 on gas.
As for parents I dont think they realise how cost of living has gone up.
They are basing it on when they brought up a family.
And wages/benefits haven't risen with the cost of living.
But they re going to bring you down lecturing you so I would stop discussing it on the basis they wont be helpful.
Your dc are warm, fed and loved and many dc arent.
I hope things get better soon. DLA/PIP claims are a stress and take ages to sort out.