Sick of the lectures from DF and family when they don’t have a clue

[moneymoneyhaventgotany]

We are in financial difficulties. Serious ones
We are doing absolutely everything we can to sort it out and all I’m getting is shitty judgemental advice from family. No offers of any help just patronising advice

Time and time again I explain what we’ve done so far to sort this mess out and they act like I’m not doing enough.
We have got rid of everything that was an unecessary expense, waiting on stepchange advice (have to wait as advised by them as waiting on 2 claims one for dla one for pip and they said there’s no point calculating it now as it’s takes over an hour and is likely to change within the next few weeks)
Dh lost his job last year and we had weeks with barely any money
We’ve sold everything we could possibly sell
We have budgeted for food and eat as cheaply as we can.
Changed energy suppliers , etc etc looked for the cheapest car insurance and compared everything
We don’t go out. Ever
We have no hobbies
We don’t drink smoke or get takeaways

All I’m getting is your need to cut back more’
And ‘stop wasting money on anything unecessary’ we don’t ffs
I’ve been cutting the kids hair myself
I haven’t had a haircut in 3 years
We do t even get coffees out literally nothing

Dd called me lazy as our car insurance is so expensive (£90 a month)apparently he pays that per year but it was the cheapest we could get and each time I say this he calls me a liar says I’m just not making the effort

Other family members for example will say ‘oh I saw this you should get one for dc’ I explain I can’t and get comments as if I don’t care and don’t want to treat my children I do but I can’t get random treats for no reason

It seems to be the older members of the family maybe they just aren’t aware of the pressures faced today ? I’m trying not to get angry

ALSO I MUST add this is NOT a begging thread we are sorting things out (slowly) I’m just venting and ranting because I feel like nobody understands. We have food in the house and the dc are warm and clothes and we will get there it’s just when I’m trying so hard I feel so shit when my family speak to me this way

I think sometimes they feel embarrassed, and feel they "should " be helping you out . It is unfair of them to imagine you are a couple of spendthrifts who have "got themselves in debt". I imagine this absolves them of feeling guilty ,for not offering help when many parents would . I would not talk about your problems with them any more ,and would be looking to go LC with them TBH .You are in a stressful situation anyway, and seeing them and being held to account for your money problems is not helping you at all!

35 years ago I dropped out of engineering and did computer science. I've worked in computing for 35 years. Occasionally over that period I have been temporarily out of work. Whenever that happens, my mother tells me I should go back and finish my engineering degree. She even told me that last week, as I'm currently looking for work. After 35 years. Sometimes parents just don't get it.

This sort of reaction is why I tell my parents very little. They always have a criticism and an opinion over everything-even where they have zero experience.

I spend my first 40 years trying to please them and following their advice to my own cost to avoid them saying I should have listened to them.
Now I just...don't.

I avoid it by not disclosing information to them about my life. Yes you are right it would be nice if your family would be supportive but some just aren't. There is no point in hoping they will be. Once you accept that and stop hoping for it, and stop giving them the opportunity to be negative or give unwanted advice life becomes much easier and the rest of your relationship with them will hopefully improve.

I'm so sorry to read this, parents are the people you should be able to go to for support and sympathy. Losing one's job can happen to anyone and I always say to my daughter that 'it's not what happens, it's actually how you deal with it'. And you are certainly dealing with it very well by being extremely frugal. Your post strikes a chord with me, but for the opposite reason. Many years ago now I became a single parent (husband was an alcoholic). When I told my dad the situation he told me to get in the car with my baby and come to them. They helped me re-establish myself - Mum would pay for our groceries and Dad paid my council tax, and most importantly Mum did childcare when I managed to get a job. No judgements, just practical help at a time when I was emotionally and financially on my knees. I have adopted the same principles with my daughter - practical supportive help. We gave them their house deposit, and I am subbing her to have the full year's maternity leave. When she goes back to work I'll have her baby a couple of days a week to save on nursery fees. Sadly you can't change your parents' attitude - maybe find a friend you can confide in instead. Your husband has a new job, it will get better in time - you are doing everything right and certainly don't deserve their judgemental attitude.

Just a note on car insurance. Sometimes putting a named driver on with good history can help lower the cost. I used to put my dad on mine until he got older and was classed as more of a 'risk.'

Hi OP,
It sounds like you are doing everything right - cutting back/ seeing what benefits you are entitled to and contacting Stepchange for help.

As suggested by a previous poster check out money saving expert - particularly the “debt free wannabe” forum. People on there are very knowledgeable and if Stepchange suggest a debt solution like DMP they can help you understand the pros and cons and get your head around it.

For your parents it is probably a mix of not wanting to feel guilty about the lifestyle that they have as well as it being too upsetting to think that you (and their Grandchildren) have financial hardship through no fault of your own so it is much easier for them to believe (and to tell you) that if you can just cut back on the costa coffee and avocado on toast then you will be able to take the kids on several foreign holidays a year.

I think you probably do need to mostly seek support elsewhere and not rely on them too much for moral support or share too much information. You will obviously have to say no when they suggest expensive activities or purchases perhaps just “not at the moment/you know our situation”.

Good luck OP. Keep on keeping on. If you do need a debt solution many people (on the debt free wannabe forums) say this was the point when they could sleep again at night or have a little left over for a modest treat again.

Also tell your parents to shut up. Honestly, I’d tell them to shut the hell up. I hate people like that

They sound horrible. Stop discussing it with them and if anyone brings it up, tell them firmly it's not up for discussion any more.

If I got called a liar about the car insurance thing I'd have gone ballistic. How dare he? Fuck em all, OP.

I’m afraid you’re learning the hard way that you can’t look to your parents for emotional support on this issue. I would just stop talking about it with them completely. Yes it would be lovely to have their support but you don’t so you’re only upsetting yourself by talking to them.

Just don't confide about your financial difficulties any more, they do not understand and trying to explain would be like banging your head against a brick wall. I understand how you feel having been there many years ago but people don't unless they're in the same position.

Keep schtum and make it look as though you are managing. In time things will improve and you will manage but I know what Hell it is to go through when you're in such a place.

Money is one of those topics where people are very often judgemental moneymoneyhaven’tgotany. It’s bad enough trying to manage without having any money, let alone having to cope with critical - as opposed to constructive - advice. Agree with others that the discussion boards on Money Savings Expert are the place to go for non judgemental support and advice. Things will get better as your plan with Stepchange gets established and your benefits claims are sorted. Eventually you will be in a position to remind them you got sorted out without any parental support, unlike them. (Not really suggesting this but a smug smirk will be perfectly in order.)

Hi I would contact Payplan. They are an amazing non for profit debt charity ( a bit like Stepchange) they have helped us loads to look at all the areas of pressure and see what changes can be made if any and make sure you are getting everything you are entitled too. Can you lower housing costs at all? Mortgage or rent? Do you have debts you could look at a payment plan for to reduce monthly payments to help you get on your feet. Can either of you take on second job or some overtime . I know its not easy been in the same boat and hard as kids get older and more aware xxx

moneymoneyhaventgotany I completely get this. We're not in difficulties, but my father is aghast at things like our weekly food bill (for a family of four) and is really surprised when I point out that we are four people and it's not like he spends 1/4 of what we spend when he is one person alone, so WTF? Or he'll be aghast at what we spend on flights - FOR FOUR.

If he was on my back about spending it would be intolerable.

Well done for working so hard to cut costs and drag yourself out of it. Is there anything else you could be doing, I wonder? Are you working? What are your skills? In my industry I work with lots of self-employed women and it's surprising what you can earn with basic online/admin/secretarial skills (that you can learn in a couple of weeks). I would be happy to point you in the right direction.

Unkind and unhelpful.

You're miserable, scared and ashamed, probably not justifiably, and DF's blaming, blaming, blaming.

why would he do that? Are your parents secretly feeling guilty because their parents helped and they've not helped you?

Can you a) call DF on it b) remind him that you are doing everything humanly poss in dire circs. Without family help or support c) as above, with witnesses.

That should shut him up.

If the problem is with debt, visit MSE Debt Free Wannabe board. The DMP support thread is helpful on that board if you are planning or doing a debt management plan.

Dd called me lazy as our car insurance is so expensive (£90 a month)apparently he pays that per year but it was the cheapest we could get and each time I say this he calls me a liar says I’m just not making the effort

I would ask him where this magical insurance policy is.

Maybe he can ring up and see if his insurance company will insure you as well for £90 per year.

I think the only way with some people is to get them to actually look themselves

Of course your father’s car insurance is £90 per year but you are not I presume an older man in a steady job who has been driving for years with no points.

I have Dd on my car insurance and know how excruciatingly large the bills can be.

Fwiw I would look at what car you drive.

I know this sounds strange but I drive a large top of the range 2 litre petrol, automatic saloon car and Dp drives a small 1.4 litre petrol manual hatchback. Both similar age.

Guess which car is higher tax, insurance and even servicing is more expensive.
That is why Dd is insured on my car and not in Dps smaller car.

It's better now but a few years ago we were on our knees with our finances. First I lost my job, then just as I got a new one, DH lost his. We were in the eye of the recession here in Ireland and the jobs we did get we had massive increases of taxes combined with several pay cuts. And we were the lucky ones. We had employment.

What I found worked for us is not bothering to explain or go into detail, because they'd always find something to complain about or telling you that you are doing wrong. Most of their advice was straight from their historical experiences and not applicable to our lives or our current situation so I stopped sharing and got blunt with them.

I find it difficult not to talk money, when things are so tight it's infiltrates everything.

What did you do at the weekend ?
Nothing!
Why didn't you see the film DS was asking about?
We couldn't afford to go (or what do you say?)

My first DHs parents were so skint and said they didn't have the money all the time and it's also awkward to hear. I'm now that person but I try to make another excuse, like we are meeting a friend for a walk or we were sorting out stuff to do a boot fair 🤷‍♀️ It's just it is because of money.

Your financial situation sounds incredibly difficult, and I wouldn't begin to compare mine, but I do relate to what you say about parental attitudes. I had a conversation with my mum recently, where she asked me all sorts about incomings/outgoings (and I was happy to explain it to her).

For various reasons we'll be getting a regular monthly increase in available money from July, but at the moment we run at a loss of most of that money. It's temporary, but we're in the red.

Mere minutes later mum said brightly 'you know, in July, I think you should save all the extra money!' Erm, yes, and if I hadn't just explained to you that it's already accounted for in the rapidly-going-red budget, that would make total sense, but ...

She's an intelligent woman - she just doesn't think, sometimes. I suspect TBH that it is very difficult to strike the right balance with your adult children (and I think it's much more about that than about age or generational differences). She wants to help, but she worries she's being a bad parent if she's not also telling me sternly to be careful with money.

Stop telling them stuff!

Stop involving them in your financial situation. Tell them you don’t wish to discuss it with them anymore - you are sorting it out yourselves and don’t want advice.
They obviously feel entitled to comment as you have involved them.

I don’t discuss anything with my dm that I know she’ll bring up later in a negative way. People like to feel superior sometimes. Dont give them the ammunition.

I think it's hard for some people to realise that you just want to chat and blow off steam rather than wanting advice. I know for my parents, they want to help me and fix my problems, so I'm careful with what I tell them.

Being older is one of the best ways to cut car insurance premiums.

Yes well the OP can't get old overnite perahaps she is going gray poor soul but prices are very steep for younger drivers. I'm late sixties awaiting mine, around 100 odd quid a Year!, to go up when they deem me to be a doddering old fool!

I have to sub my DD's out a bit with living expencnes but just hearing that one of them gets the weekly bin wash man to clean her bins! we're having words re that!..

I agree with a PP. I think because your gps bailed out your parents, then your parents think you might want them to bail you out. So they're giving every solution they can think of, to distract you from asking for the solution they used.
They may also just be worried about you. Sometimes people do miss obvious solutions to their own problems because they're too close to them.
If they are usually supportive and you usually have a good relationship, I'd just cut off any conversation about finances. You know now they want to offer suggestions not sympathy.