Sick of the lectures from DF and family when they don’t have a clue

[moneymoneyhaventgotany]

We are in financial difficulties. Serious ones
We are doing absolutely everything we can to sort it out and all I’m getting is shitty judgemental advice from family. No offers of any help just patronising advice

Time and time again I explain what we’ve done so far to sort this mess out and they act like I’m not doing enough.
We have got rid of everything that was an unecessary expense, waiting on stepchange advice (have to wait as advised by them as waiting on 2 claims one for dla one for pip and they said there’s no point calculating it now as it’s takes over an hour and is likely to change within the next few weeks)
Dh lost his job last year and we had weeks with barely any money
We’ve sold everything we could possibly sell
We have budgeted for food and eat as cheaply as we can.
Changed energy suppliers , etc etc looked for the cheapest car insurance and compared everything
We don’t go out. Ever
We have no hobbies
We don’t drink smoke or get takeaways

All I’m getting is your need to cut back more’
And ‘stop wasting money on anything unecessary’ we don’t ffs
I’ve been cutting the kids hair myself
I haven’t had a haircut in 3 years
We do t even get coffees out literally nothing

Dd called me lazy as our car insurance is so expensive (£90 a month)apparently he pays that per year but it was the cheapest we could get and each time I say this he calls me a liar says I’m just not making the effort

Other family members for example will say ‘oh I saw this you should get one for dc’ I explain I can’t and get comments as if I don’t care and don’t want to treat my children I do but I can’t get random treats for no reason

It seems to be the older members of the family maybe they just aren’t aware of the pressures faced today ? I’m trying not to get angry

ALSO I MUST add this is NOT a begging thread we are sorting things out (slowly) I’m just venting and ranting because I feel like nobody understands. We have food in the house and the dc are warm and clothes and we will get there it’s just when I’m trying so hard I feel so shit when my family speak to me this way

I am really sorry, I know how tough it is. What my parents did when we were struggling was different, but equally annoying. They tried to 'empathise' by sharing stories of their tough times - which bore no relation to what we were going through. On one level, it was well meant, but on another it is pretty insensitive - to come back from yet another massive holiday and do the 'I know what you're going through, we were so poor' when they had a lovely house with a tiny mortgage and their version of 'hardship' was not going out for meals and holidays. I do think if you have never really been on the bones of your arse yourself, you literally have no idea.

Yes this is the thing we are waiting for it’s renewals and there have been delays getting medical reports etc so we’ve lost a lot and need it reinstated that will help a lot as obviously the loss of those then affects tax credits but we are in the process so hopefully it is sorted out soon we just don’t have any influence over the medical reports as the consultants are clearly busy and as soo as they’ve sent them back I’m sure it won’t be long fingers crossed

They only need not to nag you, don't they? They can't even manage that.
Financial hardship is the pits. People don't get it unless they have lived it.

Yes we switched energy in jan so that is done and much better

I think I was feeling sorry for myself and in reality wanted to get out the house and go and have a cup of tea a bit of a chat and vent things and some support and encouragement

Tell them you weren't looking for advice just an ear to listen. I understand it is frustrating, my family are similar, everyone wants to know and help sort out your life without any idea of the real challenges. I'm rude I tell them to MYOB.
I think it is causing more harm than good talking about it. If they were in a position to help financially and didn't offer, they won't now.
Just be straight tell them you've had your fill of discussing finances, the conversation is closed and repeat.
Keep your business to yourself, sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied.

We should set up some support threads on here. This reminds me of the poster the other day whose parents respond with platitudes like ‘we all go through it’ when she looks to vent or get some support.

How awful for you.
Some people have absolutely no self awareness.

I think you need to pull back and if asked say calmly how hurt you are that when things are so tough, and you are doing your best, they haven't an ounce of support, just criticism.
Awful.
Wishing you the best.

Sometimes when something is on our mind, we need to talk it over … not necessarily wanting advice, or a solution, just wanting someone to nod sympathetically and let us talk. My DM would offer unwanted advice and comments: she's the sort of person who 'just gets on with it' and would be telling me to try harder. She's not the most sympathetic person! This is why I NEVER tell her anything: our conversations are very simplistic. I guess I would advise you to never discuss this with them: some people automatically think you're after a solution, or advice, even if you say not (they're sure they have the answer), and telling you 'well you need to try harder' is kicking you when you're down.

It just proves that many people do not understand unless it happens to them.
It is really hard not to have any money, hope things get better for you.

The comments which struck me was that your parents were bailed out throughout your childhood. They likely don't want to admit that they actually didn't stand on their own feet and they are probably fearful of being asked for help from you because its what they obviously did and having been on the receiving end lack the confidence that they have excess to offer.

Only advice would be to back off and never share your financial difficulties with them. Also ignore their judgements on what you should be "affording". If you analyse what your DC "need" according to them it will generally be things which benefit your parents eg a trip out where GPs get to tag along or make them look good eg boasting opportunities for GPs.

Really difficult to feel judged and unsupported when you are doing your best and sometimes you become more aware of it when the light at the end of the tunnel appears.

Your car insurance is not outrageous compared to ours - so much depends on where you live and keep your car and what you use it for. That said my DH's went up massively after a couple of fairly minor claims but it did come back down again so you should have that to look forward to.

You could try using a local broker next time your car insurance is due.

I have used one for years and they always get me a cheaper quote than I can find myself. And even if they didnt theres no obligation to go with them. If I do go with them theres a one off charge of £5 for their servjces (I assume they get commission from the insurance company too).

yeah there is a real lack of understanding in people who have not been there.

Why have you still got sky - cut that for a start - well lets try its on the lowest cost, we do NOTHING else at all, we can't have a box as no aerial installed which would be 150 plus to sort and no capital to outlay to get the free stuff. DO it on line - none of our kit is remotely up to date so not feasible then you also get into fair use on internet. Why do you still have that can you cut that back - no work from home etc etc etc

I hear you, some costs are unavoidable.

You need to find other streams of support. My parents earn far more than me so when I was in debt they would give crappy advice. I just don't think they got how hard living paycheck to paycheck was. I found Dave Ramsey on YouTube (I don't agree with everything he says but he is very passionate) and other users on Reddit, forums (MSE mainly) and Instagram. This was far more positive for me than being put down.

From what I understood and I very well might have outdated information but dla/pip is a non means tested benefit and not only that but it I was under the impression that it was not to be included in debt management plans as it is there specifically for help for the disabled person receiving it so it can't be included swallowed by debt repayment.

Of course some people do use it towards bills, for example paying the gas because their condition needs a warm house or other things etc but in terms of official income towards debt repayment calculations it isn't meant to be in your pot of "income"

You will need to do a bit of research online to clarify the actual rules but I thought it might be helpful information for you money.

Yep sorry but in my experience the older generations really dont seem to get it. I just dont bother anymore, do the same for the sake of your mental health.

Could it be that if you complain about money they think you are hoping they will offer money to you?
It sounds like part of your chat involved high level specifics of your car insurance to include actual monthly figures.
It sounds like your parents have formed an opinion of your situation based on something.
Your Dad sounds like a bit of a prick calling you lazy. I really wouldn't accept anyone using that word at me.

You could try OhCaptain reponses.

I suspect it's outside their own experinces.

My parents were actually quite good as when we were little they had a sucession of bad things and got indiffernt reponses from their parents.

IL were awful but few years later they both suffered redundancies and had problems finding work and after that were a lot less vocal about others hitting problems.

We're currently in a much better finacial place so did get through it in end but it was shit time and very stressful.

Your father is being very unkind, OP. I wonder if he feelsguilty about not helping you, given that he had his mortgage paid off by your GPs? Can you talk to other family or friends instead? The criticism doesn’t help you.

Actually next time he or his partner criticises you I would remind them of that very generous gift and say how lucky they were! Just to shut ghem up, as i don’t suppose they will be shamed into passing that kindness on to you.

Best of luck with your budgeting. Now that DH is in work again, if you have an arrangement for paying your debts, you should see bettertimes soon.

Theres two versions of skint in this world. When im skint I have zero money in my account (like the 36p I have in there now).For other people it just means 'cant go for a night out cos im saving for holiday'

I think once you get debt company organised, thing's will settle down. You've had a very tough time, from your OP you have done everything you can.
Take a deep breath, give yourself a pat on the back.

I struggled financially when I first became a single parent, the best advice I can give you is to use Martin Lewis's site moneysavingexpert.com read all of his advice & join the forum to be able to check everything about benefits, reclaiming, getting the best deals, dealing with debt etc. I found his site invaluable & it helped me get my finances on an even keel.

I’m not sure what age group your DH is in, I’m my fifties and at a time of cheap car insurance mine was only £230 last year for a small car and I have no points and max no claims. I actually find it hard to believe his is only £90.

Some people Just like to criticise it’s the way they are, my FIL was like that just bloody enjoyed being nasty. Hope things improve for you. Not advice I can give if you haven’t is look at money saving expert website.

I'm afraid I'm one of those people programmed to give advice and rather than sympathy! I don't mean it to be harsh, I just see it as more useful than sympathy. It's a different way of showing love and concern.

Still, it sounds like you have it all covered so you will have to spell it out very clearly to them that you really need some sympathy and someone to just listen right now.

Good luck

But surely you can be sympathetic even if you don't get it?

And what's with this "older generation" not getting it?

I'm in my 50s & get it-my 90yr old dad would get it!