Sick of the lectures from DF and family when they don’t have a clue

[moneymoneyhaventgotany]

We are in financial difficulties. Serious ones
We are doing absolutely everything we can to sort it out and all I’m getting is shitty judgemental advice from family. No offers of any help just patronising advice

Time and time again I explain what we’ve done so far to sort this mess out and they act like I’m not doing enough.
We have got rid of everything that was an unecessary expense, waiting on stepchange advice (have to wait as advised by them as waiting on 2 claims one for dla one for pip and they said there’s no point calculating it now as it’s takes over an hour and is likely to change within the next few weeks)
Dh lost his job last year and we had weeks with barely any money
We’ve sold everything we could possibly sell
We have budgeted for food and eat as cheaply as we can.
Changed energy suppliers , etc etc looked for the cheapest car insurance and compared everything
We don’t go out. Ever
We have no hobbies
We don’t drink smoke or get takeaways

All I’m getting is your need to cut back more’
And ‘stop wasting money on anything unecessary’ we don’t ffs
I’ve been cutting the kids hair myself
I haven’t had a haircut in 3 years
We do t even get coffees out literally nothing

Dd called me lazy as our car insurance is so expensive (£90 a month)apparently he pays that per year but it was the cheapest we could get and each time I say this he calls me a liar says I’m just not making the effort

Other family members for example will say ‘oh I saw this you should get one for dc’ I explain I can’t and get comments as if I don’t care and don’t want to treat my children I do but I can’t get random treats for no reason

It seems to be the older members of the family maybe they just aren’t aware of the pressures faced today ? I’m trying not to get angry

ALSO I MUST add this is NOT a begging thread we are sorting things out (slowly) I’m just venting and ranting because I feel like nobody understands. We have food in the house and the dc are warm and clothes and we will get there it’s just when I’m trying so hard I feel so shit when my family speak to me this way

That is a lot.

I'd get rid of one of the cars, the one costing £90 pm. You don't need two.

If it's that high because you're on the insurance as a new driver than come off it and let him do the driving until things are better financially

We only have one car !

Money I figured that out.

But if insurance has gone higher because you've been added to it then coming off and just letting him drive will reduce it.

Could you even get rid of it for a short time ? If you live in an area where things are in walking distance it could be doable and will free up some money.

It's miserable when you have to cut everything back to the bone, and you still get criticised! Redundancy is a fact of life now which the older generation doesn't always understand.

You don't say if you own or rent your home. If you have a mortgage, can you arrange to suspend one or two payments to give you a breathing space until the dla/pip comes through? Good luck op

Have you tried saying to them “You mean grandma and grandad didn’t let it get that bad. You have chosen not to pay their help forward, which I accept. Don’t blame me for your decisions.”

You know now that you’re going to the wrong people for emotional support. So stop.

They’re naïve about car insurance costs, but I can see why they don’t believe the £90. They’re wrong of course. Some older people (and I’m 50s!) have not idea just how much new drivers pay. Your husband needs to step up his driving ability though! Accidents and points already?!

I would stop speaking about it to your dad, and if he mentions it do as a PP says - turn it round and ask why he thinks you haven’t done that. And frankly, I’d not be above saying, “it was easier for you when you lost your job, as your parents were in a position to pay off your mortgage. I don’t expect that from you, but I think you need to remember that you had different options.”

@ArnoldBee, getting a Motability car would be a really bad idea in the OPs situation. You lose half your PIP so are worse off financially on a week to week basis and you still have to insure it. Crucially you have to hand it back at the end of the 3 years in good condition, which if you are prone to accidents as the OPs partner seems to be, you could end up having to pay out for any major damage.

@moneymoneyhaventgotany, next time your father starts on about the car insurance, hand him the details and say he’s more than welcome to find you a better policy, in fact you’d be grateful if he did. All in all you need to just grow a thicker skin. Your children don’t need “treats”. They aren’t treats anyway if it’s every flipping week, so tell your family that. Every time they start bleating on, just say “they don’t need it” and leave it at that.

Don’t bank on getting PIP or base your future on it. It’s very hard to get, and even if you fulfil every criteria you will still almost certainly get turned down to start with. It’s absolutely soul destroying, and you need to be quite a strong person to pursue it. See what I said above about growing a thicker skin. If I were you I would go back to Stepchange and tell them you want to start the IVA without it, and then if you do get it, you can re-evaluate.

I know you don’t really want advice 😉 but I’ve done poverty and PIP, so at least it’s well meant.

I would stop going to them for support.

If you aren't working any chance of an evening or weekend job to help?

My parents were in such a different level to the majority of people in finances that they had no idea how "the other half live". I have never told my parents of my financial worries.
In turn, I would have liked to help my DC but when the partner started telling me what to do with MY money, I did not help at all. I don't feel happy the my DC is working all hours in a very dodgy job while the partner does nothing. I am not responsible for paying for someone else's adult child! I am proud of my DC for working hard but why the dead wood has to be supplied with money I have no idea.

Can you get rid of your car. We had to whilst DH is looking for work. We live on the sticks but manage. Train station is 10 minutes away, shopping delivery is cheaper if you get a slot at an unpopular time. We get fresh food from the local shop.

I haven't been where you are but several of my friends have. One had 3 kids, was on a dmp and it was just relentless and grinding. She said you found out who your friends were pretty fast. A lunch out or someone popping round with a takeaway as a treat for the kids or some cinema tickets just made the whole world of difference. And she said it was the thought and sentiment and understanding rather than the value.
I'm sorry that you don't have parents that are sympathetic. I think you need to stop talking as they don't want to understand

I think you need to just shut down your parents. They aren't helping so you aren't loaing anything.

Answer your Father straight by asking why he just relied on his parents, if making ends meet is so easy.

I take it you have a disabled child (re claim for DLA), parents of disabled children do suffer more poverty and the answers that other parents might come up with, such as not being a named driver or extra work, isn't available for them.

That would be compounded if one of the parents were also had poor health.

You can't count on them for support, which is unfortunate, but you have to stop expecting it.

As for car insurance, £90 a month would be a bargain were i am in Liverpool.

Funny how many people are doing exactly what the OP came on here to vent about.

Sorry you’re going through a crappy time, it sounds like it’s going in the right direction now. Keep your chin up. 💐

I'd tell them all to fuck off, unsympathetic twats.

Our insurance used to be £85 per month until my partner changed job to one more local and took the business travel off the policy (Manchester)

Sorry moneymoney, as Herocomplex says, we're all piling in with more unsolicited advice.

I'm in a similar position to you though, everything cut back to the bone & still not enough. It's soul destroying after a bit, isn't it? Hope you can get through this bad patch & things get much better soon

I'm sorry your parents are so unsympathetic Op. I went through hard times myself, barely any money for food and I've never forgotten it. Several years later a close friend and her partner were in dire straits, and although I did try and offer advise based on my own experiences I also helped practically and was there her for her to talk and vent to because as you say, sometimes that is what you need most, a sympathetic ear to chat to over a cup of tea, with no judgement.

Personally I would pull your father up on calling you a liar and remind him how much help he received from your GPS when he himself was made redundant, I would not let him get away with his behaviour. I'm really sorry you have such shit parents and for what you are going through, but you sound fantastically organised and practical and I bet you will get through this, mainly down to your own efforts.

BTW I hope your parents aren't counting on your help and support in their old age. 😉

I think in addition to a lack of understanding, people can have a really deep-seated fear of facing the fact that sometimes life scuppers you, and there isn't anything they or you can do to 'solve' it. I think this comes from the fact that firstly, people don't like feeling helpless when people they love are suffering (so perversely shield themselves from this by being unkind!) and secondly because they don't want to acknowledge that life could scupper them too. So it becomes easier to say 'oh well it would never happen to us because xyz' or 'well there's a simple answer but they're just not doing it' because then they are 'helping'and also convincing themselves they'll never be in the same position.

This whole process fucking sucks - I've been there, biting my cheeks at the 'budgeting advice' from friends and family with 4 bedroom houses, cars and holidays agogo while I toss up whether I can justify getting the bus home rather than walking the 45 mins through sideways snow (and deciding I can't).

So glad to hear there is a way out and your husband is back at work. Feel free to vent on here!!

My family were exactly the same with us. They forgot they had a totally different life as to what is today, plus they very very heavily subsidised my siblings...I.e free house each

Needless to say I’ve washed my hands on the lot of them.

My life is much simpler, not easy , just simpler.

Best decision I ever made.

I sympathise op, my family offer unsolicited advice all the time and on top of the burden of the problem I get exhausted also having to explain myself. They are probably coming from a good place deep down. Just remember you are grown up and you make your own decisions - don’t let them make you feel guilty or that you’re not doing all you can. If I were you i would say ‘thank you for your advice but I don’t want to talk about this going forwards, I feel like it spoils any time we have together. if it comes up I would just change the subject to small talk etc- they’ll soon get the message.

Ps what @AngryFeminist said and I totally agree that some of our parents’ generation, if they have savings and houses, just don’t understand how shit it is today.