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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to ex’s funeral?

95 replies

Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 15:44

Background, we were together for 3.5 years in the early 90s when we were both in our 20s. We had no children. The break up was messy and I was heartbroken as a OW was involved, but time has moved on and he’s not with OW these days but he has been with someone else for about 15 years now. (No DC and I have never met her)

Anyway, I found out he suddenly died recently and I’d like to go to his funeral (not the wake) his parents and sibling will be there and although it was a horrible break up, whenever we saw each other we would be pleasant and “catch up”.

I just feel I’d like to pay my respects and remember the good times. I’m pretty upset by it but intend to keep my emotions in check at the funeral. My now DP is supportive of me going.

YABU - don’t go
YANBU - go.

OP posts:
starlight86 · 04/03/2020 15:54

YANBU

I would go, a funeral is to pay your respects. I think its a nice thing to do.

Lynda07 · 04/03/2020 16:04

You're not unreasonable, it would be a nice gesture to go to the funeral. Very sad that he died so young.

Happy0 · 04/03/2020 16:05

YANBU

QueenieMum · 04/03/2020 16:07

YADNBU - you could sit / stand at the back if you want to. Would you regret it if you didn't go?

hm246 · 04/03/2020 16:09

I think as long as your presence would not cause upset to any For the immediate family I think it is a nice thing to do.

user1471449295 · 04/03/2020 16:09

Please go if you want to

WishThisWasLangClegGin · 04/03/2020 16:12

At my mum's funeral, my brothers ex turned up and was sat at the back. We were all really touched.

I would go and pay your respects.

LolaDarkdestroyer · 04/03/2020 16:14

I wouldn't it could upset his family.You weren't in contact plus it didn't end well.

ArthurDentsSpaceTowel · 04/03/2020 16:16

Go to the funeral, but not the wake unless you are sure they won't mind your presence. My ex-boyfriend turned up at my DF's funeral and wake, and it was seriously awkward.

halfsoaked · 04/03/2020 16:16

You weren't together for long and it was nearly 30 years ago. I can't see the point in you going.

picklebarrelfalls · 04/03/2020 16:17

I'd go.

justmyview · 04/03/2020 16:18

If it's a large funeral, perhaps OK to go

But if my DH died, and one of his previous GF's turned up, I'm not sure I'd like that

Windyatthebeach · 04/03/2020 16:18

I will be going to my exh's just to make sure the fucker is really dead...
Make sure you aren't reflecting through rose specs op..

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 04/03/2020 16:19

I think it’s a bit weird to be honest, if they relationship ended on good terms I could understand it but it didn’t!

Just no

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 04/03/2020 16:21

I voted yanbu but I didn’t think about what justmyview has said, so now I’m not sure. If it will cause upset to his wife on what is already going to be an emotional day it might not be a good idea.

Isthistrueor · 04/03/2020 16:22

When my Mum’s partner died suddenly his ex was there sitting in the front row beside my Mum, granted his ex had a DD with Mum’s partner but yeah, my Mum didn’t find this odd at all and was quite comforted by it.

I’d go to pay my respects, he obviously meant a lot to you.

ScarlettBlaize · 04/03/2020 16:23

I wouldn't want any of my husband's exes turning up at his funeral. I very much doubt his widow will want you there 'catching up' with his parents/siblings.

CalmdownJanet · 04/03/2020 16:23

Go, pay your respects, do not catch up on the good times & leave

Isthistrueor · 04/03/2020 16:24

But if my DH died, and one of his previous GF's turned up, I'm not sure I'd like that

I’d feel like this about his only long-ish term ex (about 18 months) because she cheated on him throughout and hurt him. If she turned up I’d be Hmm and pissed off.

Your ex’s wife might not have a clue who you are.

Bluetrews25 · 04/03/2020 16:26

Go, pay your respects. The family were always pleased to see you after the break up and they would probably be very touched that you wanted to pay your respects and made the effort to attend.
You have not given any indication that they would be anything other than welcoming towards you. There is no issue here.
It is always nice when a funeral is well attended - some small comfort to the family that so many people cared enough about their loved one to attend.
Plan what you want to do if they ask you to the wake.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 04/03/2020 16:27

I went to a funeral last week where two out of three ex-wives attended (granted, they both had kids with the deceased).

My dad and grandpa (ie, Dad’s dad) went to the funeral of my mum’s grandpa approx 5 years after splitting with my mum - Mum’s family thought it was a lovely gesture.

BillieEilish · 04/03/2020 16:27

I'd definitely go. Can't vote but YANBU

Original poster
Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 16:31

@halfsoaked.... 3.5 years isn’t long? 🙄

The family would be nothing but pleasant towards me, I’m nit going to be there at the wake going “remember this and that” I don’t intend to go to the wake I just want to say sorry for your loss and let them know I gave a shit.

Who knows? I may not be the only ex considering it!

OP posts:
Pardonwhat · 04/03/2020 16:32

I find the people saying not to go very odd.
I think it’s lovely you’d like to pay your respects to someone who at one point was very important to you!

Original poster
Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 16:33

I’d also definitely sit at the back!

OP posts:
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