Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To go to ex’s funeral?

95 replies

Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 15:44

Background, we were together for 3.5 years in the early 90s when we were both in our 20s. We had no children. The break up was messy and I was heartbroken as a OW was involved, but time has moved on and he’s not with OW these days but he has been with someone else for about 15 years now. (No DC and I have never met her)

Anyway, I found out he suddenly died recently and I’d like to go to his funeral (not the wake) his parents and sibling will be there and although it was a horrible break up, whenever we saw each other we would be pleasant and “catch up”.

I just feel I’d like to pay my respects and remember the good times. I’m pretty upset by it but intend to keep my emotions in check at the funeral. My now DP is supportive of me going.

YABU - don’t go
YANBU - go.

OP posts:

KC225 · 05/03/2020 06:07

A close friend's DH died suddenly before Christmas and there was a private funeral. My friend is arranging a memorial and is furious that his ex has asked if she can attend. His ex left him in the early 90s and was very difficult. My friend was married to him for 25 years more twice the time the he was with the ex but she is claiming she 'every right' to attend as she was part of his past. My friend is convinced his ex wants to attend for a 'nose and a catch up'.

Show your respects by writing a letter to his family, if they really want you to attend they will let you know. Let them take the lead.

GA2012 · 05/03/2020 06:16

At first I thought yes you should go. It sounds like you want to so why not? Then I thought of his new partner. She might not mind at all or she might be offended. It’s hard to say! If it’s a large funeral then he’s go for it if it’s small maybe not. Tough one OP.

GracieLouFreebushh · 05/03/2020 06:21

I think it's nice to show the family that you care and pay your last respects. I'm sure his partner will have more things on her mind than which exes from the 1990s turned up. I think it's nice for family to see how many people care about the person.

SudokuQueen · 05/03/2020 07:10

People have a right to go, but I don't think that makes it the right thing to do.

His family might be OK with you, but you don't know how they will act when grieving. People can act very differently when grieving. You going to be OK with it if someone suddenly starts shouting at you asking why you are there? It does happen.

It was nearly 30 years ago. Most I would do is send a sympathies card.

unluckyagain · 05/03/2020 10:51

Go. I was in almost an identical situation and I've never regretted going. You once loved him enough to marry him; he was an important figure on your life. I was surprised at how emotional I felt on the day.

Everyone made me welcome.

ScarlettBlaize · 05/03/2020 13:36

@unluckyagain
You once loved him enough to marry him

Er, she didn't marry him.

unluckyagain · 05/03/2020 13:52

@scarlettblaize - oops, my mistake. Apologies OP.

PicaK · 05/03/2020 14:04

Go. Be respectful.

ScarlettBlaize · 05/03/2020 14:06

@unluckyagain they went out with each other for three years, in their early 20s, thirty years ago. I think you might be projecting your own situation a bit.

unluckyagain · 05/03/2020 14:17

@scarlettblaize that's why I apologised. My situation was similar - nearly 30 years ago, 3 years, but we were married. But not the same, I agree.

ScarlettBlaize · 05/03/2020 14:36

I was with my ex for 12 years. We weren't married but he meant the world to me & we went to hell & back together. I'm still very close to his sister & her family.

I STILL wouldn't turn up at his funeral without being totally sure it was ok with his current partner. It's really disrespectful and cruel to someone in the midst of grief.

unluckyagain · 05/03/2020 14:39

@scarlettblaize I should have probably mentioned that I did check if it was ok. Anyway, as you said, my situation was different and it's not about me.

OP - if you wish to go I would check with the family first or slip in quietly at the back.

Pukkatea · 05/03/2020 14:45

I'm not really sure what the point of going to a funeral where you intend to sit at the back and scuttle off. People talk about paying respects but really, the only people there to receive that is the family, so if you don't intend to interact with them I'm not sure why you would want to go.

Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong · 05/03/2020 14:45

If my husband's ex turned up at his funeral I'd be livid! No reason to attend whatsoever. I hope it never happens (i.e. I hope I go first) as she's a prize bitch and would turn up anyway.

SVRT19674 · 05/03/2020 14:56

If my first serious boyfriend had died I would go to the church yes. We broke up in 2000, so also a long time ago. You pay your respects to someone who was important once in your life. I don't see it at all as odd.

ShadowOnTheSun · 05/03/2020 14:57

My grandfather passed away in December. It was a small funeral, just immediate family members and a few remaining friends, as others are also sadly no longer alive.

One woman came. No one knew who she is, except for my grandmother. She (the lady) was very sad and cried a lot. My mum and I spoke with her later. She and my grandad were sweethearts when they were young. She said he was a great man and that she loved him all these years.

I didn't think it was inappropriate for her to come, and I felt sorry for the lady, she was so very sad. In fact, I was even glad that she came, as she said many lovely things about my grandad. My grandmother didn't mind (and if she did, she didn't show). She spoke with the woman, there was no animosity, both were polite to each other.

When my best friend's mum died, his ex-girlfriend came. They parted ways long long time ago, and the breakup wasn't very pretty. Yet she still came. He was grateful for her support and happy to see her.

If you know that your appearance won't cause distress to his family/wife, then go, if you want to. I personally don't see anything weird or wrong with this.

missinginactiongeorge · 05/03/2020 14:59

I'm Irish, we go to funerals in these circumstances, or for colleagues families or for the families of our friends, so I would go.
There's nothing like seeing the funeral to help you mourn.

Apple1971 · 05/03/2020 15:04

It’s not the same thing I know, but when my dad died, it was so nice to see people from his past. One of my old school friends who knew my dad 30 years ago came and that was so kind.

Go. It will be a comfort to his family I’m sure x

LuckyBitches · 05/03/2020 15:10

I would say go, OP. It sounds like you're clear it won't cause a problem, and you want to say good bye to him. Ignore the people who say it will compound his partner's grief, you went out with him nearly 30 years ago, it's not like you were the OW.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 05/03/2020 15:11

No a card to his parents expressing your condolences is fine. But to go to the funeral No

Flip

1 2 3 4