Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To go to ex’s funeral?

95 replies

Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 15:44

Background, we were together for 3.5 years in the early 90s when we were both in our 20s. We had no children. The break up was messy and I was heartbroken as a OW was involved, but time has moved on and he’s not with OW these days but he has been with someone else for about 15 years now. (No DC and I have never met her)

Anyway, I found out he suddenly died recently and I’d like to go to his funeral (not the wake) his parents and sibling will be there and although it was a horrible break up, whenever we saw each other we would be pleasant and “catch up”.

I just feel I’d like to pay my respects and remember the good times. I’m pretty upset by it but intend to keep my emotions in check at the funeral. My now DP is supportive of me going.

YABU - don’t go
YANBU - go.

OP posts:

Strictly1972 · 04/03/2020 17:55

I think it’s fine to go. He was obviously a big part of your life & it feels appropriate so do what you feel is right.

ScarlettBlaize · 04/03/2020 18:05

He's dead. Respect the living. You're not going to make things any better for his widow or his family by turning up.

DisneyMillie · 04/03/2020 18:10

Personally it would make the day harder for me if DHs ex turned up at his funeral and I think that’s what you should be thinking of. It just doesn’t seem appropriate to me

Sagradafamiliar · 04/03/2020 18:11

I don't think it's appropriate, sorry. An ex of mine passed away and I wouldn't have dreamed of going. I think grief is really private and his wife and young children, and the rest of his family needed support, not confusion over who this onlooker could be.
I remember him quite often and with extreme fondness, that doesn't change.

dwum · 04/03/2020 18:23

I don't see why you shouldn't go. As you say you are on friendly terms with the family and don't plan to go to the wake.
This person was important part of your life for a few years, and it was a sudden death. Concentrate on the good memories and say your goodbyes. That is what funerals are for.

sluj · 04/03/2020 18:36

I dont think you should go. You can mark the occasion privately without potentially upsetting others. Also, it's not really the time or place to catch up and exchange pleasantries with his family, as you suggested. They will be grieving.

eaglejulesk · 04/03/2020 18:38

I find the people saying not to go very odd. I think it’s lovely you’d like to pay your respects to someone who at one point was very important to you!

This - why on earth shouldn't you go? I'm sure his family would appreciate you attending.

Figgygal · 04/03/2020 18:38

I don’t understand why you would want to go to a funeral of a man you had a short relationship with 30 years ago and Have seen seemingly only in passing since

But each to their own

LargeGinOnTap · 04/03/2020 18:54

Yanbu I would go!

LtJudyHopps · 04/03/2020 19:18

I think we regret the things we don’t do more than the things we do do. I’d go if I were you it sounds like you’ll be respectful.

LynetteScavo · 04/03/2020 19:30

Yanbu This is what funerals are for, to provide some sort of closure with those who have touched your lives.

I think funerals where no one bothers to turn up are miserable.

DelurkingAJ · 04/03/2020 19:30

I can’t imagine being jealous of DH’s exs (and we’ve been together a similar amount of time). As long as you don’t introduce yourself as his ex then surely it’s just nice for the family that people cared about the deceased?

housemdwaswrong · 04/03/2020 19:36

When my oh died, I wouldn't have minded an ex turning up. I would have thought that it done to the kind of man he was that prone waved to attend his funeral.. in fact, I did think this of a couple people I don't really like. They still took the time and I appreciated it.

DrivingMsCrazy · 04/03/2020 19:38

Where I am, either before or after the service, the key family members line up and shake hands/accept words of condolence from all the "guests" as they file past. Often the guests have to identify themselves if it's a large and long line. It can be onerous for the grief stricken family but seems to be such a strong tradition still. I would hope you would just say you are an old friend to his widow and family, not an "ex". I think Yanbu as long as you are respectful of his family in this way.

Usuallytootiredbuthappyanyway · 04/03/2020 19:52

I went to my ex's funeral, I can't imagine not having gone. Wishing you all the best, it is still difficult regardless of break ups

Frangipanini · 04/03/2020 19:56

I’ve never understood why funerals are public spaces. I know that if and when I have to host funerals for c
lose family that I’m not going to like making nice with strangers turning up and getting in the way. Personally I think you should only go to a funeral if you have been contacted by the family and given the details for if they choose to attend. Send flowers or a card, fine, but don’t just rock up unless contacted.

PinkiOcelot · 04/03/2020 20:05

I can’t begin to imagine how it’s disrespectful to go to a funeral to pay your respects?!
I very much doubt the widow will be thinking of exs very much at all on the day of her DH funeral.
I find it totally weird that people wouldn’t go.

eaglejulesk · 04/03/2020 20:10

Personally I think you should only go to a funeral if you have been contacted by the family and given the details for if they choose to attend. Send flowers or a card, fine, but don’t just rock up unless contacted.

If a family want only invited people to attend then they hold a private funeral. If it's public then anyone can attend, and surely those holding the funeral understand that. Your comment is rather odd as if the funeral is a public one then only close family/friends are normally told the details and others get the information from a death notice (well, here in NZ they do). I imagine most people would find it strange if there was a notice stating the time and place and no-one turned up because they hadn't been personally contacted!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/03/2020 20:12

But if my DH died, and one of his previous GF's turned up, I'm not sure I'd like that. Why? He's not exactly going to run off with her is he!

opticaldelusion · 04/03/2020 20:14

When my husband died his first wife came to the funeral. She was more than welcome. Nothing worse than a poorly attended funeral and she wanted to pay her respects. He meant enough to her for them to be married once.. Go to the funeral.

Lllot5 · 04/03/2020 20:20

I wouldn’t go I expect they’ve forgotten who you are. Best part of 30 years ago now. Keep out of it.

MulticolourMophead · 04/03/2020 20:29

In our area, we post a notice in the paper giving the time and date for people who wish to go. We don't go round personally inviting people.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 04/03/2020 20:34

DH's ex wife came to his. I had rather she hadn't bothered, but the split was hugely acrimonious and she left her children, so although I didn't mind her and actually get on quite well with her, DH's family really dislike her and it was quite awkward. It was more the wake that was difficult than the service though to be honest. Nobody bothered with her, not even her own (now adult) children, and I felt like I had to just to be polite.

However, in your case it sounds completely different - no children, and civil relationship with family, so I would go.

opticaldelusion · 04/03/2020 20:53

As the widow in this situation, trust me.. no amount of exes detracts from who you are. You don't own someone's entire life or history just because you're their present partner. Everyone has a right to go to the funeral of someone they were close to once.

SonEtLumiere · 05/03/2020 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2 3 4