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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go to ex’s funeral?

95 replies

Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 15:44

Background, we were together for 3.5 years in the early 90s when we were both in our 20s. We had no children. The break up was messy and I was heartbroken as a OW was involved, but time has moved on and he’s not with OW these days but he has been with someone else for about 15 years now. (No DC and I have never met her)

Anyway, I found out he suddenly died recently and I’d like to go to his funeral (not the wake) his parents and sibling will be there and although it was a horrible break up, whenever we saw each other we would be pleasant and “catch up”.

I just feel I’d like to pay my respects and remember the good times. I’m pretty upset by it but intend to keep my emotions in check at the funeral. My now DP is supportive of me going.

YABU - don’t go
YANBU - go.

OP posts:

theliverpoolone · 04/03/2020 16:39

I was in a very similar situation to you, but didn't find out about him dying until some months later. If I'd have heard before the funeral I would have very much wanted to go. As it was, I later went to visit his grave. YANBU.

ScarlettBlaize · 04/03/2020 16:42

Why don't you pay your respects by writing them a lovely letter, rather than interposing yourself without a single thought for his widow, who has just lost her partner of 15 years?

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 04/03/2020 17:03

Why don't you pay your respects by writing them a lovely letter, rather than interposing yourself without a single thought for his widow, who has just lost her partner of 15 years?

I've been with my partner for 15 years and I'd like to think that if he passed away and an ex of his turned up that I would be really touched and not think they were "interposing". I certainly wouldn't feel any jealousy or resentment towards them after so long.

LividLaughLovely · 04/03/2020 17:07

Go, unless there was hideous animosity with his family.

My ex husband died. He was young, an alcoholic and it was very difficult. I did a eulogy at his funeral and I'm glad I did.

Despite everything that had happened between us, we were an important part of each others' stories and his family understood that.

WashHandsTwentySeconds · 04/03/2020 17:09

Sorry, but I think this sounds a bit odd at best and disrespectful at worse.

You were together a long time ago, it sounds like it ended badly, you have passing pleasantries with family, and his wife (who may be badly grieving) doesn't know who you are.

I agree the idea of writing a letter, or maybe directly catching up with mother and sibling after, sounds far more reasonable to me personally.

WinterCat · 04/03/2020 17:12

Do you get on well with his family to be able to ask if it’s appropriate or do you not have any contact with them?

MitziK · 04/03/2020 17:16

I think it's something that would be appropriate to ask if his partner is OK with. If she is unhappy, then stay away, send a nice card. And if she's accepting of it, go and, as you intend, stay at the back.

AJPTaylor · 04/03/2020 17:18

Go. You were kids when you knew each other/we're together. Pay your respects.

atomicblonde30 · 04/03/2020 17:19

I wouldn’t. Not after being apart for 20 years and it ending badly. Maybe send his parents a message instead?

SonEtLumiere · 04/03/2020 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wiaa · 04/03/2020 17:20

I'd go if its really about you paying your respects and it does sound like it is. The only thing I would say is only offer condolences in person to his parents if the opportunity presents itself don't go seeking them out. I think they will be touched you came

SonEtLumiere · 04/03/2020 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livelyredjellybean · 04/03/2020 17:22

My uncle’s funeral was FULL of his ex girlfriends - and they attended the wake too. I thought it was awesome finding out all these stories about him from the people who knew him best.

ScarlettBlaize · 04/03/2020 17:26

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

Perhaps your husband's exes are better people than mine. Lucky you.

The OP hasn't expressed any concern for the feelings of the woman/man who has just lost their partner of 15 years. All she's done is talk about herself and what a great relationship she has with her ex's family.

It's selfish, and disrespectful to someone who has just had their whole world shattered.

ScarlettBlaize · 04/03/2020 17:27

@SonEtLumiere Can I ask the people who think OP should stay away and send a card, how do they feel about getting said card? Would they rip it up because that would be also unacceptable?

Personally I think that would be the polite, respectful and kind choice of action. So no, I wouldn't 'rip it up'. What a weird suggestion.

Sweetbabycheezits · 04/03/2020 17:27

An ex boyfriend of mine passed away a few years ago, and I would have gone to his funeral if I had been living closer. We dated a long time ago, it didn't work out, but I was in love with him at that time, so I think out of respect for the time period we were together, it would have been good to go.

silencebeforethebleeps · 04/03/2020 17:28

If the widow has any inkling of who you are, it might make the day even harder for her. I wouldn't want to do that to someone.

Burgerandchipvan · 04/03/2020 17:28

I'd go. You can sit at the back, offer your condolences and done. At several family funerals I've not had a clue who half the people there were any so it would've even register with me.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/03/2020 17:42

Does the widow even know you? If not, and you sit at the back anyway then she probably wouldn't even know you were there.

It doesn't need to be some sort of dramatic confrontation (which some people seem to be imagining) but I think it does make a difference where the funeral is held and how many people are likely to be there. A stray ex is much less likely to be noticed in a crowd.
Is there a family member you could ask if it would be okay?

To be honest, I find it a little strange that people don't just go to funerals. I'm not in Ireland, but in an area where we have very much the same attitude to funerals. You just go. My ex boyfriend couldn't make it to my daughter's funeral, so he sent his father and I was very touched. When his father died not long afterwards, my husband and I went to his funeral. Nothing was said either time and nobody batted an eyelid.

Original poster

Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 17:43

Actually @scarlettblaize I haven’t posted anything about “great relationship with my ex’s family”. I posted about that “we” (me and my ex) have always been pleasant to each over the years since our break up and caught up. I haven’t seen his family in years so posting they’d be there would mean they knew who I was.

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 04/03/2020 17:45

It could upset the widow who might wonder who you are, worse case she’ll wonder if you had a fling while they where together. Even if she does n’t you will detract from her

Original poster

Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 17:48

Perhaps my wording was clumsy in first post.

Ex left me for ow
Years on, ex and I speak and develop a friendship which while not actively pursued means we are always pleasant and interested in chatting when we see each other.
I know his family will know who I am at funeral.
His dp will very probably know who I am.

I just intend to turn up, sit at back, and scuttle out. If I come into contact with his parents , sibling or dp, then just offer my condolences.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blearyeyes20 · 04/03/2020 17:50

Ex was with a woman when he died who was not ow btw ffs. Sorry massive drip feed which tbh I wanted to get over in first post!

OP posts:

isittheholidaysyet · 04/03/2020 17:51

Pressed the wrong vote button.

Go, but I'd be discreet and sit at the back, and not make a show of being there.

Unless the family see you and speak to you and include you, in which case follow their lead.

Topseyt · 04/03/2020 17:51

If you feel it would be the right thing to do then you should go.

As you and others have already said, you can sit discreetly at the back and you can slip away without going into the wake if that is what you feel is best at the time.

You might regret it if you don't go.

His partner of 15 years doesn't know you. If she should happen to speak to you just explain that you were an old friend from 20 (I assume) years ago who was saddened to hear of the death and came to the service to pay respects/wish everyone well.

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