Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents driving D.C.

90 replies

beyoncessweatband · 04/03/2020 06:37

Dhs parents who provide childcare 2 days a week want to drive my D.C. in their car. I'm not comfortable with D.C. being driven around. Partly that I live in London so I never take cars for short journeys and when I was on mat leave I took public transport to every activity.

However FIL had an injury which meant he had to have surgery and he couldn't walk or drive for nearly 2 years. Now FIL provides childcare he wants to get a car seat to drive D.C. around. Given he's only just started driving and he's late 70s, I told my DH I wasn't happy about it and he needs to tell his parents. He argued that his parents couldn't be expected to stay in doors all day. They are not being asked to stay in doors. They are being asked not to drive with my D.C. here's a park 10m walk plus a bus stop 5m down the road plus a tube station.

I assumed he did but then the other day I heard his dad tell him he's got a car seat!

I'm really pissed off.

We should agree all decisions and not for him to go around my back.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
beyoncessweatband · 04/03/2020 06:39

Also should add, they look after D.C. at their instance. We can more than afford full time nursery so while it saves money, I could care less about the money

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/03/2020 06:40

You either trust them to look after your children which includes taking them out and about or you pay for childcare elsewhere.

HelloDulling · 04/03/2020 06:43

You need to put them in nursery full time. It’s unreasonable to expect two people in their 70s to manage a small child on public transport.

Finfintytint · 04/03/2020 06:43

What concerns do you have about his driving?
Find alternative childcare if you want to dictate what they can or cannot do whilst in their care.

sk1601 · 04/03/2020 06:43

If you aren’t happy then put them into nursery. I don’t think you can insist they use public transport.

MindyStClaire · 04/03/2020 06:45

You haven't said what your actual concerns are. Our parents are around that age and I wouldn't have a problem with them driving DC, so it can't just be their age surely. Maybe they don't want to lugging a buggy, changing bag etc on and off public transport. That's their choice surely?

SnowsInWater · 04/03/2020 06:48

I understand your concern about an elderly driver who hasn’t driven for a while, but I think you are unreasonable to expect him to take public transport. Buses and tubes with small children and buggies can be a challenge for anyone not totally hale and hearty. The only solution to this is an open and honest conversation between you, your DH and your FIL. If you and your DH (it’s not just your responsibility) are unwilling/unable to do that then I guess you need to make alternative arrangements for childcare but it would be unkind to do that without giving your FIL a chance to work out something acceptable with you.

AwdBovril · 04/03/2020 06:48

I'd find alternative childcare. Am in a similar position with my PILs, although they're not quite as old yet. FIL's driving is distinctly not great... I've spoken with DH about it already. Thankfully DD is school age so we no longer need much childcare.

stayathomer · 04/03/2020 06:48

Ooh tough one OP! I think anyone who's minding kids who doesn't have to do car school runs can totally keep them out of the car (where do they want to go?) but saying that if they're set on it you either need to argue on or change childcare.

fuzzymoon · 04/03/2020 07:08

I don't think you can ask that of them. You need to trust their judgement if you don't you need to find alternate childcare.

Seeline · 04/03/2020 07:27

I think using a car around London with 2 preschoolers is probably safer for older people. Traffic isn't exactly speeding. On the other hand, tubes can be really busy, with lots of escalates, walking along tunnels etc where it is easy to lose children. Neither buses or trains are easy to use with buggies, bags, no seats etc.

Have you actually been in a car with your fil since he started driving again? Does your mil drive?

Enchiladas · 04/03/2020 07:30

Honestly I understand your concern with your kids being driven around London with you there to know they're safe. But if I was providing childcare 2 days a week (at 70+!) I would be very annoyed to be told I must take public transport everywhere instead of using my own car.

Enchiladas · 04/03/2020 07:31

*without you there

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/03/2020 07:31

I think you need to find a way to be a passenger in their car, then you can have a definite idea about the standard of their driving. If you're not happy you need to step up and say so.

HavenDilemma · 04/03/2020 07:34

YABVU

Just because they're 70+ doesn't mean they're not perfectly fine drivers. So what if he had to stop driving for a while? I'll bet he was driving for over 50 years prior to stopping!

poppymatilda · 04/03/2020 07:40

This is exactly why we put DD in nursery 5 days. Paying for childcare allows you to stay in control, taking it for free from family means you get into all sorts of problems like these.

In our family for example PIL are decent enough but FIL in particular wouldn't listen to anything we suggested if they were caring for DD on a regular basis, he's a bit of a law unto himself. For example the one and only time we've left DD with them overnight he cut her hair for the first time and fed her a bowl of ice cream even though she wasn't yet old enough for solids. Neither of those things bothered me that much in themselves but it makes me wonder what he'd get up to if PIL provided regular childcare.

It's just less stressful for her to go to nursery and avoids family arguments!

That said I'm impressed they manage to look after kids on regular basis at their age. My mum was 68 when DD was born and flatly refused to do any childcare. She can manage a couple of hours alone with DD before declaring she's too tired and old!

MarthasGinYard · 04/03/2020 07:43

2 days a week childcare is a huge commitment. It's their rules or alternative care. You can't dictate which park or which bus they take.

They have car seats too?

Janus · 04/03/2020 07:49

Sorry but I agree with everyone here. I have lugged 2 children around in a pram and holding the other one, getting on and off the tube was a bloody nightmare, particular as most didn’t have lifts so I had to carry the buggy on my own for a lot of that. You can’t expect late 70s to carry prams up and down stairs. I expect they’d only drive down to the park etc to make sure they get as close to the activity they had planned.
So either you accept that or I think nursery will have to be looked into.

Booboostwo · 04/03/2020 07:49

Your concerns seem a bit exaggerated.

You don't want PILs to drive because you don't - what does that have to do with anything? PILs may find it a lot easier to drive than manage a toddler plus buggy on public transport, especially buses that might be full and they may have to fold the buggy, underground stations without lifts etc. The car does sound a more convenient and safe option all around.

You don't want FIL to drive because he hasn't driven for 2 years. Driving is not a skill you tend to loose if you haven't driven for 2 years. Do you have any actual evidence that FIL is a bad driver? Has he had accidents or near misses? Is he driving when he shouldn't because of, e.g. eye sight problems, etc.?

tryingtoloseweightnow · 04/03/2020 07:51

Yabu!

limitedscreentime · 04/03/2020 07:54

I can't honestly see why the car is my less safe than public transport. Any accidents in London are likely to be low velocity. Public transport - bombs, abductions, corona virus, lots there for you to get really worked up about if you want to. Plus there is to totally unreasonable expectation of getting two such elderly people to mange children plus all the crap that they have to travel with on public transport.

I also think you've shot your self in the foot, if you are that worried you should have been researching the safest car seats, rap if money is no object. Christ knows what crap FiL has bought to put them in.

AnotherEmma · 04/03/2020 07:55

YABU, it's unfair to dictate that they don't take the children in the car when it would make their lives easier. If he's too old to drive, he probably too old to do childcare 2 days a week (actually it sounds as if he can manage both but you don't trust him). You should only use grandparents for childcare if you trust them and you don't, so stop and put the kids in nursery.

And fwiw it would have been much better to at least consider the idea and discuss car seats etc that just saying no. If he is going to be driving them it would be better for you to have a say about the type of car seat he is using for example.

limitedscreentime · 04/03/2020 07:55

My autocorrect has gone very odd, but hopefully most of that was readable!

MarthasGinYard · 04/03/2020 08:02

Also your FIL had surgery perhaps he doesn't want to lug around buggies and kids on public transport?

KnifeAngel · 04/03/2020 08:04

You are being ridiculous. You expect them to look after your child but not drive them anywhere.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.