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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents driving D.C.

90 replies

beyoncessweatband · 04/03/2020 06:37

Dhs parents who provide childcare 2 days a week want to drive my D.C. in their car. I'm not comfortable with D.C. being driven around. Partly that I live in London so I never take cars for short journeys and when I was on mat leave I took public transport to every activity.

However FIL had an injury which meant he had to have surgery and he couldn't walk or drive for nearly 2 years. Now FIL provides childcare he wants to get a car seat to drive D.C. around. Given he's only just started driving and he's late 70s, I told my DH I wasn't happy about it and he needs to tell his parents. He argued that his parents couldn't be expected to stay in doors all day. They are not being asked to stay in doors. They are being asked not to drive with my D.C. here's a park 10m walk plus a bus stop 5m down the road plus a tube station.

I assumed he did but then the other day I heard his dad tell him he's got a car seat!

I'm really pissed off.

We should agree all decisions and not for him to go around my back.

AIBU?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 04/03/2020 08:15

No, they look after your DC with your agreement. That's your choice. They can insist all they want but you have the final say.

Hercwasonaroll · 04/03/2020 08:18

YABU

You trust them or you don't. Why should they have to use public transport if they are older? Carrying a child can be hard work on the bus/tube.

Original poster
beyoncessweatband · 04/03/2020 08:19

My concern is that his injury was so bad that he didn't drive for 2 years. How do I know his speed of reaction is as good? And he just started driving in the last month.

This might have nothing to do with it but I witnessed an elderly man drive straight into my walled fence! We hear about peddle confusion a lot and I'm not prepared for that risk

Not to mention I don't want them to provide childcare. It's their choice, their insistence from what I was still in the first trimester

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 04/03/2020 08:19

They also have a choice. They can say no to using public transport and stop offering free childcare.

Clangus00 · 04/03/2020 08:20

“Not to mention I don't want them to provide childcare. It's their choice, their insistence from what I was still in the first trimester“

Why didn’t you just say no?

Original poster
beyoncessweatband · 04/03/2020 08:20

Also my parents at 15 years younger have never driven D.C. anywhere neither would they want to or have asked and they agree with me

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 04/03/2020 08:21

If you're worried and dont want them looking after DC anyway just find alternative arrangements.

Gazelda · 04/03/2020 08:23

Not to mention I don't want them to provide childcare. It's their choice, their insistence from what I was still in the first trimester

Make it your choice, and your insistence that the DC either travel by public transport or they go to nursery.

To be honest, I'd have no qualms about letting the DC travel in the car with their GP. But you obviously feel very strongly, which is your right. And you know your FIL's health and fitness to drive better than us.

You're going to have to bite the bullet and agree a way forward with your DH and his parents.

ArgusFilchsCat · 04/03/2020 08:28

YABU. PIL are elderly, FIL is still recovering from major operation and yet they are still ok to look after your very young DC? Either they are capable or they aren't. You can't expect elderly people to use public transport with a small child like younger able bodied people. My dad is in a similar situation to your FIL and I wouldn't expect him to be providing childcare without being able to transport them. Say they need to take them to the hospital or something as an emergency, better they have a car seat and are allowed to use it than not have one at all. I doubt they are planning long cross country trips either. It will likely be short trips to the play centre, supermarket etc.

MarthasGinYard · 04/03/2020 08:29

'Not to mention I don't want them to provide childcare.'

There lies the crux

Find alternative care.

So you don't wish for them to have your dc anyway regardless of whether they drive or not.

Fuckitwhynot · 04/03/2020 08:31

You saw an elderly man crash a car so now all elderly people crash cars?
You’re being ridiculous, you either trust them with your children or you don’t.
Are you sure they would be able to chase them if they ran off? What about getting on and off the bus, if FIL’s injury was so severe how do you know he wouldn’t struggle getting on and off a bus with your DC’s? If you’re that concerned then stop using them for childcare.

Incontinencesucks · 04/03/2020 08:32

Yabu. I understand your concern with a driver whose not driven for a couple of years, especially in london but i imagine the tube would be worse for them.

Parky04 · 04/03/2020 08:34

YABVU. I would also want to drive my grandchildren around if i was looking after them. Suggest you find alternative arrangements.

Incontinencesucks · 04/03/2020 08:34

Also my parents at 15 years younger have never driven D.C. anywhere neither would they want to or have asked and they agree with me

That just means they shate your opinion though. Not that you or they are right.

The bigger deal which yanbu for is your dh knowing they bought and plan to use a car seat and hid that fact when you are both arguing over it.

SW16 · 04/03/2020 08:37

You consider your parents in their 60s as too old to drive ????

LettertoHermoine · 04/03/2020 08:37

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVU.

JammieCodger · 04/03/2020 08:38

“ We should agree all decisions...”
Reads more like “He should agree with all my decisions.”

If your husband doesn’t have a problem with his parents driving then it’s for you to discuss with them, not him.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 04/03/2020 08:39

You sound a bit ageist to me OP.

HotGlueGun · 04/03/2020 08:40

I can actually understand your concerns op and I felt the same about my in-laws. My concerns related to my FILs terrible driving and also that they wouldn't know how to correctly install the child seat. I realised that I wasn't being fair in saying they had to walk/ bus everywhere and so in order to alleviate my anxiety, I said they could if they used a good quality car seat and had it properly fitted. They did do this but... would take the seat in and out of the car. They drove my son and I in it at one point and it hadn't properly been put back in and would've been ineffective if he'd crashed. Since then I make sure that my husband checks it before we let our son get in. Might be OTT and I'm sure my in-laws roll their eyes at me but I feel it's what I need to do.

MarthasGinYard · 04/03/2020 08:41

'Also my parents at 15 years younger have never driven D.C. anywhere neither would they want to or have asked and they agree with me'

WTF has that got to do with anythingConfused

Janus · 04/03/2020 08:45

Well you have, I think, 100% telling you you are being unreasonable but not listening to anyone’s thoughts!
How ARE you expecting late 70s to get a bloody pram and toddler on and off buses, tubes, all the stairs etc???

MarthasGinYard · 04/03/2020 08:47

'How ARE you expecting late 70s to get a bloody pram and toddler on and off buses, tubes, all the stairs etc???'

I think she's just hoping they will stay in house and totter to park.

eaglejulesk · 04/03/2020 08:54

YABU

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2020 08:55

Go in the car with him and find out what he's like.

Or just use a nursery.

Janus · 04/03/2020 08:56

I think she's just hoping they will stay in house and totter to park.

Ah I see. Well I’d personally go nuts staying in all day with a baby and toddler so the childcare may dry up pretty soon!

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