Grandparents driving D.C.

[beyoncessweatband]

Dhs parents who provide childcare 2 days a week want to drive my D.C. in their car. I'm not comfortable with D.C. being driven around. Partly that I live in London so I never take cars for short journeys and when I was on mat leave I took public transport to every activity.

However FIL had an injury which meant he had to have surgery and he couldn't walk or drive for nearly 2 years. Now FIL provides childcare he wants to get a car seat to drive D.C. around. Given he's only just started driving and he's late 70s, I told my DH I wasn't happy about it and he needs to tell his parents. He argued that his parents couldn't be expected to stay in doors all day. They are not being asked to stay in doors. They are being asked not to drive with my D.C. here's a park 10m walk plus a bus stop 5m down the road plus a tube station.

I assumed he did but then the other day I heard his dad tell him he's got a car seat!

I'm really pissed off.

We should agree all decisions and not for him to go around my back.

AIBU?

Sorry OP, I’m not trying to have a go. Do you stay in all day with them? I don’t think you do and I wouldn’t want mine to stay in all day either. I expect there are some lovely big parks a short drive from you, a nice cafe for lunch, a library etc. Maybe ask where they plan to go to put your mind at rest?

I can see both sides of this. I am grandparent age, but a bit younger than your in laws. My husband hasn't driven for a few years due to health issues and if he were to start driving again I wouldn't be confident for him to drive with the grandchildren in the car and I know the parents wouldn't be either.. I do drive the children around though. I would struggle to take young kids under 5 on a train or tube (getting on and off, watching child while I fold buggy etc.). Walking them 10 minutes to the park and then round the park might be too much for your FIL if his health has been poor. If they are only driving locally the risks are small. How much energy do the grandparents have for activities in the house ( baking, gardening, stories, play dough)? It isn't great for the kids to be indoors all the time. I think you may need to reduce the amount of child care they do if you aren't happy for them to drive the chhildren short distances.

Why wouldn't you let them? I don't understand. No way would I want to lug a pram on a bus or negotiate the tub if I had a car!

"Not to mention I don't want them to provide childcare. It's their choice, their insistence from what I was still in the first trimester"

WTF? If you don't want them to do childcare just say no! Find your backbone!

I get your concerns. My PIL have expressed they would like to take DD out when they next have her - she's 3.5 months and I've only left her once so the situation hasn't arisen yet. Yesterday DH came home in PIL car as he's a mechanic and had MOT'd it. We nipped out in it last night and can't express how difficult I found it to her DD's seat in the car and I'm a fit, healthy 25 year old! They're late 60's and both suffer from various ailments. First of all, it's a 3 door, so the seat has to go in behind a folded front seat. With the front seat folded and all the way forward, the car seat only goes in with millimetres to spare. The seat is very heavy. I then had to stand in the back and lean over to get the seatbelt strapped in. It was an absolute game and I wasn't even convinced I could get her seat at the correct angle from behind. Parcel shelf has to be removed to fit the pushchair in. It's wildly impractical and I don't feel comfortable with them putting her in there. Not sure if IBU but DH actually agreed with me for once.

You trust them to look after your child but not to drive them?

YABU. You're either in or you're out. I'd suggest looking for a nursery.

I thought it was riskier being a pedestrian in London, than a passenger. (In terms of road traffic accidents)

Why are you letting them do childcare then if you don't want them to? Why are you deferring to them? Insist back. It's your DC, they're not not in charge of childcare decisions.
The fact is, it must suit you. And saves you hundreds a month. If it worries you as much as you say, put them in nursery and your money where your mouth is.

If at 70+ they are able to look after a 2 year old I don't think you can question their speed of reaction. If your child was to stumble over something at home, for example, I'm sure you trust them to react and catch her before she falls.
Public transport might feel like a doddle to you but you can't expect everyone to feel the same.

If they cant be trusted to drive,surely they cant be trusted to do childcare.

YABU you can't expect them to spend 2 days in the house every week or negotiate public transport with a small child. If you don't want them to look after the child book a nursery.

Also should add, they look after D.C. at their instance

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Yabvu, my children's grandparent and MY gran all take my children in their cars, for school runs, days out, general errands. This is just normal and they've always had their own car seats in their cars. I don't know anyone who doesn't let their children travel in other people's cars.

yabu

either look for other childcare or deal with this. how would you know the bus driver/train driver etc. dont have any medical history that could impair them in the same way you are worried about fil? I also think its unfair to expect people in their late 70s to have to walk around lugging baby gear everywhere.

ANYONE driving is a risk btw, it is the most dangerous thing most of us do on a daily basis because no matter how careful you are you will never be able to count on everyone else being the same.

I understand anxiety over your child, I can be awful for it but this isnt a fair or reasonable request of your partner or his parents. not sure you realise how patronising you sound either.

if I was looking after someones child but they told me I wasnt allowed to drive because they didnt trust my reactions, child would be handed straight back with a cheery wave and find someone else then

You're being really really weird. Not so much about fils injury, just about driving in cars do you and your parents not drive? Are you unused to travelling in cars? What's average speed in London, surely 30mph at most

This is funny. my 83 year old dad drives my children around. If you had genuine concerns about his driving, maybe, but just because he hasn't driven for 2 years is not that big deal - I assume he was driving for 50 odd years before that. I've had periods of not driving for a few years and have never found it hard to get back into it. If your'e that concerned, ask DH to go somewhere with him in the car and assess his driving. If they can be trusted to look after the DC, they should be trusted to drive unless there are specific issues.

YANBU. I have been in a similar situation - PiLs insisting on doing childcare and then wanting to drive DDs (actually to drive them out of London because they couldn't possibly entertain them locally or in the centre of town).
I really struggled with the idea of FiL driving them, but DH trusted him, and I gave in for the sake of my marriage and my relationship with the iLs. I did insist, however, that they use our car seats. My MiL recently said she was worried about FiL's driving, so I don't think my fears were unfounded.
And they were only doing occasional childcare - I'd prefer the nursery option too if I were you.

You're parents dont feel confident driving your children about?? I think they need to get off the road. You are bu. Plus a little strange. I'm not suprised your dh is uncomfortable broaching the subject. Perhaps he doesn't agree with you?

YABU, ungrateful and ageist.

Sorry OP but I think you're being pretty weird and this is more about your hang-ups about driving in general than you PILs.

My concern is that his injury was so bad that he didn't drive for 2 years. How do I know his speed of reaction is as good? And he just started driving in the last month. Presumably before he had to stop driving for 2 years he'd been driving for around 50?! It's not like he's just passed his test.

Tbh I think, depending on the age of your children, 2 days of childcare a week is a lot for people in their late 70s and I'd expect that use of the car makes it easier for them to do things with your children.

I think if you don't like it your only recourse is to stop the childcare altogether, regardless of their insistence.

I think if you insist on doing childcare when you haven't been asked then it's not unreasonable to ask for you not to drive.
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And I've said all along I don't need them to do childcare they insist on it. Haven't stopped banging on about it every time they see me. I gave in because DH wanted this for his parents. I'd much rather D.C. were in nursery where gasp* they are in doors all day. But apparently asking grandparents to do the same is unreasonable.

In any case there is a park 10m walk from my house. Why do they need to do a car journey? It's ridiculous to me.

Car journeys are inherently dangerous. I personally hardly ever drive because I don't need to and don't like to.

Car journeys are inherently dangerous. I personally hardly ever drive because I don't need to and don't like to

This is frankly bonkers. You hate driving - and are probably a bad driver as a result - so you’re going to refuse all car journeys for your children? The problem isn’t your Fil’s driving, it’s your irrational dramaticising.

OP you appear to be scared of cars and driving. Probably don't expect others to agree with this bonkers opinion except your parents, which is probably where you got the bonkers opinions from.

Maybe that’s where the problem lies - you don’t like driving so you don’t want your children being driven??
Mine went to nurseries in London - they were often taken out by staff - group walks, a weekly swimming lesson they were taken to in a minibus, etc. They also have LOADS of stuff at nursery - every table filled with play doh, sensory play, brio, painting and all have outdoor play. I’d do a lot of this at home too but maybe your in laws won’t want to stash paint, play doh etc at their house so getting out and about is their way of filling the day??

Also my parents at 15 years younger have never driven D.C. anywhere neither would they want to or have asked and they agree with me Neither would they dare five your kids or disagree with you, I have no doubt.

You can abandon GPs care for Nursery but having worked in Nurseries I'm very glad in didn't have to send my children there. You really have no idea what goes on and how things can seem vs. how they actually are. I think you're actually in a very privileged position.