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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out Dds half brother is her new best friends stepdad

137 replies

Bingeslayer · 03/03/2020 21:34

My 7 year old Dd has a much older half brother (30) she's never met because her dad hasn't had contact with his son since he was born,my ex told me about his son after we met so I was aware there was a son living locally.Saw a photo on sm about 8 years ago.
Anyhow a new girl started in Dds class last year and they get on well but this last fortnight they have been attached at the hip and in this time her friend has been to our house twice and met up in local park with friends mum also.Her 2nd visit to ours today she was picked up by her stepdad.
It's my Dds brother!!!!
I was a bit shocked but obviously couldn't say anything as he's totally unaware as far as I know.

My Aibu is this,do I mention this to friends mum (brothers partner),my ex has said his son knows who he is,but ex is a pathological liar so who knows.
Dds brother was raised by his stepdad from birth.
It's not like I expect them to have a sibling relationship because of the age gap but feel awkward having this knowledge and not sharing it,i also don't want to mess up Dds friendship as she finds it hard to make connections.
WWYD?
YABU-keep quiet
YANBU-Tell the partner I think he's Dds brother

OP posts:
Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 15:15

@AlternativePerspective The brother was already 21 when I was told about him,I didn't agree with ex not having had anything to do with his son,but the story I was told that is long winded was very believable.
It may have been the wrong decision but I didn't feel justified in getting in contact.
The photo was his Facebook profile pic

OP posts:
Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 15:20

Thank you @TheNavigator you've explained my thinking better than I could.
At the end of the day,he's a grown man,I'd like him to know the truth,but not at the expense of my child who is only 7.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 15:27

@Throughthegate I hope I've gotten that message across,he's not much better at contact with Dd and no maintenance in the 7 years.

OP posts:
EmpressSuiko · 04/03/2020 15:42

I would tell him. It would feel wrong not but I’ve experienced something similar.

I had a family member who went to live with his father whilst his sister stayed with their mother, I was only a toddler when this happened.

Years later I changed schools and there was a year 6 leavers assembly and there sitting on the bench was my cousin. As soon as school finished I rushed outside to find him and spoke to him, I then got to spend time with a family member I hadn’t seen in years, his mother at first was upset by it all (hurt, bad memories etc) but eventually she’s done her daughter (His sister) managed to build a relationship with him and she and her ex husband got back to together.

Delbelleber · 04/03/2020 15:45

Talk to the brother directly. Don't know why you'd talk to the partner first....

underfall · 04/03/2020 15:46

"If he knows who his real dad was I can't see any chance he would want his family to be involved with his dad's ex and child sadly."

I agree. And he should know the facts (not come across them accidentally while reading mumsnet) so that if that’s the way he feels, he can exercise that option.

hellcarryingahandbag · 04/03/2020 16:41

Talk to the fella, I have used the line "I know something that you might want to. Do you want to hear it?" in the past. That way the other party has a choice whether or not to find out, and if not, at least you know you tried.

Oakmaiden · 04/03/2020 17:10

"I know something that you might want to. Do you want to hear it?"

How can anyone answer a question like that?

hellcarryingahandbag · 04/03/2020 17:25

@Oakmaiden, by saying yes or no.

Oakmaiden · 04/03/2020 17:32

But it is so vague as to be pointless. How are they to know whether it is something life and death or really very minor. They might want to know about an unknown half sister, but not know if their partner is having an affair. It is a question which gives the illusion of choice, but actually doesn't give a real choice.

hellcarryingahandbag · 04/03/2020 17:50

You just have to take a chance.

SW16 · 04/03/2020 23:12

I know something that you might want to. Do you want to hear it?

If someone said that to me I would assume they were the worst kind of gossip.

MRex · 05/03/2020 06:28

I know something that you might want to. Do you want to hear it?
I'd assume this was a very stupid person trying to set up a scam and block them immediately. Outside chance of it being a poisonous individual trying to badmouth someone, equally I'd just block them.

Tell the truth clearly and calmly, give the person lots of time and space to consider what they want to do about it and then accept it with good grace if they want you to stay away in future. It's really not very hard to act with integrity.

Riojasmoothy · 05/03/2020 06:42

@Lynda07

The fact that he told his wife, the op, about the existence of his son shows that he is not a dishonest person

Have you read the thread? OP has made it clear that the man is a pathological liar!

I feel that if the son doesn't know who his father is then he does have a right to. If he has stayed in the same area as biological dad though then I'd say it's highly unlikely. I would ask him directly if it is possible that he and your daughter are related. He may already know.

Riojasmoothy · 05/03/2020 06:45

"I know something that you might want to. Do you want to hear it?"
That is so weird it made me laugh out loud

roses2 · 05/03/2020 06:58

@20Bingeslayer if you messages the grandmother via Facebook messenger chances are she won't see it as older people are less likely to use messenger or even check Facebook!

DateNovice · 05/03/2020 16:35

Any update OP?

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 07/03/2020 10:39

Hi all,I work up to a message from his mum this morning,she as fine about it all,confirms he definitely is ex's son,he is aware who he is by name etc,she said my ex walked past her recently but thankfully didn't recognise her(how can you not recognise a mother of one of yourchildren)she will tell him but says he's a very private person and may not contact me at all about it.
I said I'm absolutely happy to follow his lead just want the girls friendship to continue as it has been,will see what happens now on Monday when I text his partner to see if her daughter can come to ours again like before.

OP posts:
MRex · 07/03/2020 10:41

Sounds like a good outcome, if he knows but chooses not to engage then he has the option. If he chooses to get to know your little girl then there's that option too.

JohnnyJohnnyYesMama · 07/03/2020 10:43

I think you are going about it the right way, he deserves to know and so does your daughter if it is in her best interests Thanks

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 07/03/2020 11:26

Hoping again that it all goes well 😍

Celerysam · 07/03/2020 11:30

It sounds like your lives are all complicated enough with step parents, half siblings and ex partners. Don't create more drama and potentially more family breakdowns.

underfall · 07/03/2020 12:36

Well done!

GertiMJN · 07/03/2020 13:27

I'm glad to hear he has always known who is father is and he will now have some other facts about his wider family.

You still have to decide when and how you broach the subject with your dd. There is still the potential for hurt if she finds out down the line e.g. as teenager who is still friends with her half-brother's step daughter.
Good luck. I hope that process is not too challenging for all involved.

Skittlesss · 07/03/2020 15:20

That sounds like a nice reaction, hopefully he will feel good about it too.

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