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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out Dds half brother is her new best friends stepdad

137 replies

Bingeslayer · 03/03/2020 21:34

My 7 year old Dd has a much older half brother (30) she's never met because her dad hasn't had contact with his son since he was born,my ex told me about his son after we met so I was aware there was a son living locally.Saw a photo on sm about 8 years ago.
Anyhow a new girl started in Dds class last year and they get on well but this last fortnight they have been attached at the hip and in this time her friend has been to our house twice and met up in local park with friends mum also.Her 2nd visit to ours today she was picked up by her stepdad.
It's my Dds brother!!!!
I was a bit shocked but obviously couldn't say anything as he's totally unaware as far as I know.

My Aibu is this,do I mention this to friends mum (brothers partner),my ex has said his son knows who he is,but ex is a pathological liar so who knows.
Dds brother was raised by his stepdad from birth.
It's not like I expect them to have a sibling relationship because of the age gap but feel awkward having this knowledge and not sharing it,i also don't want to mess up Dds friendship as she finds it hard to make connections.
WWYD?
YABU-keep quiet
YANBU-Tell the partner I think he's Dds brother

OP posts:
SW16 · 04/03/2020 08:22
  1. Does your Dd know that her Dad had a son? She needs to know this before all this comes out!
  2. You recognised him from seeing his picture on sm 8 years ago? Are you sure it is him?
AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2020 08:39

Hmm so you have known about this man’s existence for the past eight years but have never thought that you should try to find him for the sake of his (and your daughter’s) knowing that they are siblings.

And now he suddenly appears in your daughter’s life as her best friend’s stepdad, and you know it’s him because of the picture you happened to see eight years ago, yet you suddenly were able to find his mother (who might not even have the same name as him) on social media within hours of posting this thread to open up a can of worms which was never yours to open in the first place?

Come on, this has nothing to do with your daughter knowing she has a sibling and everything to do with you wanting to intrude into this man’s life.

And what of the ex here? Does he still have a relationship with your DD? Because if he does then that opens up yet another layer when this man realises that the father who had nothing to do with him his whole life still has a relationship with the child of the woman trying to but into his life now.

If some random woman contacted me to say that their child was my stepchild’s best friend and that she’d known about me all this time but only just thought to make contact I would be thoroughly unimpressed and be telling her to leave my family the fuck alone.

And I’d be wanting my DSD to give your DD a wide birth because of your intrusion into my life.

TheNavigator · 04/03/2020 08:49

Come on, this has nothing to do with your daughter knowing she has a sibling and everything to do with you wanting to intrude into this man’s life.

I disagree. The OP has had no reason to make contact with this man or his mother. However, now he has appeared in their life, she is concerned that she has information that he, and his wife, may not be aware of. Secrets like these can cause difficulties further down the line. I don't think it is about the OP wanting to have a 'relationship' with anyone. More about ensuring everyone is on a level playing field with what they know. Which seems fair enough to me.

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2020 08:54

But she doesn’t even know whether this man is her daughter’s sibling, all she has to go on is one picture she saw eight years ago.

If anything the OP has been as much a part of this betrayal as the ex because she knowingly had a child with a man who has a child he has never seen and had no relationship with. So she was happy to go along with that while it suited her, except she then realised what kind of a person he was.

And what if he doesn’t know? And what if he isn’t actually the DD’s half sibling?

Incidentally, if the ex didn’t have a relationship with him how was it he had a picture of him?

GertiMJN · 04/03/2020 09:02

Incidentally, if the ex didn’t have a relationship with him how was it he had a picture of him?
OP says he showed her a picture on SM. That's perfectly reasonable AlternativePerspective
Obviously that doesn't prove paternity but easily explains how ex could find a picture

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2020 09:21

That’s fair enough but it still doesn’t make this man the ex’s child.

If the ex had cared at all about having a child he would have contacted him. Or maybe he did and the DS didn’t want to know, in which case he likely won’t want to know the OP and her child either.

dudsville · 04/03/2020 09:28

Drama comes from keeping secrets and not speaking to people directly and clearly.

Porcupineinwaiting · 04/03/2020 09:35

I'd keep my mouth shut. Cant servwhat either of them is supposed to do with the information and there's a high risk of ot being unwelcome. Just pretend you dont know (this means not talking about it to anyone, ever).

mummmy2017 · 04/03/2020 09:38

I think you did it the best way by asking the mum of the man.
This way if he knows or is told you have shown you respected his mum's wishes.
Hope your DD gets a brother.

GertiMJN · 04/03/2020 09:43

Just pretend you dont know (this means not talking about it to anyone, ever)

Given that other people know the same information as the OP , and the ex knows that OP was told, the potential for disaster in your advice is enormous Porcupineinwaiting

I agree with dudsville

Drama comes from keeping secrets and not speaking to people directly and clearly.

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2020 11:31

Hope your DD gets a brother. that kind of talk is over-romanticised fantasy.

Assuming the man doesn’t know he has another sibling this is going to potentially blow his world apart, especially if he doesn’t know that his biological father isn’t on the scene.

If he does know, then it’s fairly obvious he doesn’t want to know.

This is not the OP’s story to tell. There are worse things than not knowing. If he doesn’t know now then never knowing is IMO the best outcome.

My dad’s dad pissed off into the sunset at some point when he was a child. It’s highly likely he pro created elsewhere given his history, but my dad has no interest in knowing. And if some sibling popped out of the woodwork his response would very likely be a quick hello and nothing more.

Similarly my DP has recently discovered that he had two older siblings who were removed at birth and given up for adoption. Again, he has no interest in tracking them down.

I do believe that when children are small they should know the truth, but as they develop into adults I think the truth can only harm and it’s not anyone else’s place to enlighten them.

Isadora2007 · 04/03/2020 11:34

i do believe that when children are small they should know the truth, but as they develop into adults I think the truth can only harm and it’s not anyone else’s place to enlighten them

That makes absolutely no sense- is there a best before date on the truth in your world then?
Truth is almost always the best option imo- carefully handled, but better to be shared.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 04/03/2020 11:46

With DNA testing as it is. This could just become an issue further down the line.
This man isn't your problem.
You know something about your daughter that you may not tell her.

So if she finds out you held back. How could she feel?

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2020 11:53

All the OP needs to tell her DD is that her dad said she apparently had a half brother who was much older.

She doesn’t need to say any more than that because it’s not actually certain that this man is the half brother in question anyway Or if he knows what the OP believes may be the truth. . And if he is and doesn’t want to know, how is the DD expected to deal with that?

Coka · 04/03/2020 11:59

I find it very strange people would let their child hang out with their potential sibling without finding out the truth and sensitively
sharing the truth with those it involves. Well done OP on handling the situation for the sake of ur daughter. I think there's no right way to do it so just carefully crack on

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 04/03/2020 12:01

I would contact him. Ask to speak to him. And just say what you know.
Either its true or it's not.

He's a big boy.

Coka · 04/03/2020 12:02

And yes I agree if your daughter found out after knowing this man for years she would be very upset. It's like the father's who say I suspected I had a child but didn't check...yes I suspected he was your brother but I didn't want to start drama. She would be so annoyed

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 04/03/2020 12:04

And if he has been lied to wrt his step Dad and genealogy that's all on his parents. Skeletons always find their way out.

Isthistrueor · 04/03/2020 12:13

I wouldn’t get involved personally. Your DD obviously likes this girl, I wouldn’t want to upset the friendship and also wouldn’t want the complication of trying to explain the fact her step-dad is DD’s brother. It will be undoubtedly messy and complicated, perhaps too much for a 7 year old who is just pleased she has a new friend.

underfall · 04/03/2020 12:14

The person you should discuss this with is surely your daughter's father.

It’s up to the two of you to decide whether you want to talk about the situation with the parents of the new best friend, and decide together with them whether the girls need to know. At that age, friendships don’t necessarily last very long. If it does last, there’s time later to tell them, when they’re a little older.

But the parents of each child definitely need to know, IMO.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2020 12:15

All the OP needs to tell her DD is that her dad said she apparently had a half brother who was much older
This is perfect.
It is probably the best age to tell DD. Dsis is in a similar position, she won't tell her DD until she is an adult she has older siblings from Daddy. Her DH doesn't see his DC it is easy to pretend they don't exist. I disagree with their choice. that is a whole other thread

DateNovice · 04/03/2020 14:00

I think a few people are missing the problem here, this should not be your issue. DD dad has been pulling this shit for 30 years, if that’s not a pathological liar I don’t know what is and people believe professional liars.

I think you were right to reach out to the Mum just to see where the land lies. There are clearly issues there which the girlfriend may be unaware of. Have you had a reply yet?

It wouldn’t have been fair to sit on this and say nothing. Your ex is a piss take, what kind of person just lets this happen? His loss totally.

Babybel90 · 04/03/2020 14:22

As you’ve said your ex is a liar I’d probably assume this was another lie and if anything came up in future just say you never said anything because you’d assumed it was just another lie.

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 15:05

No I don't know who she is personally I found her through Facebook snooping.Not ideal,but I messaged her on messenger,she hasn't seen the message yet!
I never got in touch with the brother before because I didn't feel it was my place too,but now they are in each others lives however tenuously,I feel they should know.

OP posts:
Throughthegate · 04/03/2020 15:15

If he knows who his real dad was I can't see any chance he would want his family to be involved with his dad's ex and child sadly. So your dd might lose her friend. You might need to make it very plain that you are not friendly with him anymore.

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