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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out Dds half brother is her new best friends stepdad

137 replies

Bingeslayer · 03/03/2020 21:34

My 7 year old Dd has a much older half brother (30) she's never met because her dad hasn't had contact with his son since he was born,my ex told me about his son after we met so I was aware there was a son living locally.Saw a photo on sm about 8 years ago.
Anyhow a new girl started in Dds class last year and they get on well but this last fortnight they have been attached at the hip and in this time her friend has been to our house twice and met up in local park with friends mum also.Her 2nd visit to ours today she was picked up by her stepdad.
It's my Dds brother!!!!
I was a bit shocked but obviously couldn't say anything as he's totally unaware as far as I know.

My Aibu is this,do I mention this to friends mum (brothers partner),my ex has said his son knows who he is,but ex is a pathological liar so who knows.
Dds brother was raised by his stepdad from birth.
It's not like I expect them to have a sibling relationship because of the age gap but feel awkward having this knowledge and not sharing it,i also don't want to mess up Dds friendship as she finds it hard to make connections.
WWYD?
YABU-keep quiet
YANBU-Tell the partner I think he's Dds brother

OP posts:
iolaus · 03/03/2020 22:54

I would possibly ask if step dad is related to DDs father (by name)

I remember mentioning to one of my eldest's friend's mother who DH's biological father was - and she thought I meant he was DD1's father - eew no, he's her grandfather biologically (although DH called his step dad dad he is well aware of who his biological father is/was

DH is aware he had 1 or 2 (at least) younger sisters (he has heard that one died in a car crash) and while he would be open to meeting them he has no urge to seek them out - but if they fell into his life he'd have no issue with it (though would that make your DD her beast friends aunt by default? my kids have decided to ignore that with their step niece/nephew - they are all the same age - and if asked will claim cousin - though they do know the true relationship)

nacher · 03/03/2020 22:54

This could make things very awkward all round, you don't really know him and it might be really tricky for your DD to deal with.

Huge can of worms, I'd hold off for a while.

siblingrevelryagain · 03/03/2020 22:55

How could you have a child with a man who knows he has a son but doesn’t see him (or have I missed something)?

TheMaddHugger · 03/03/2020 22:58

TSSDNCOP Tue 03-Mar-20 22:54:03
Unless drama is your thing.

🦙?

Just found out Dds half brother is her new best friends stepdad
TSSDNCOP · 03/03/2020 23:02

Love it Hugger

LonginesPrime · 03/03/2020 23:02

I wouldn't say anything - at best it will create weirdness between DD and her friend, which will be a shame.

It's not your story to tell, so I'd stay well out if it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/03/2020 23:02

I’d leave this well alone. It has the potential to hurt a decent number of people and not many people benefit from you saying anything...

Hont1986 · 03/03/2020 23:04

I think that's an alpaca.

Mixingitall · 03/03/2020 23:06

I wouldn’t say a thing! I would want to open a can of worms. If he has never had a relationship with his father, why would he want to know now.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2020 23:10

I dont think its your palce to tell him -like you said what if he doesnt know his real father is your ex

Emptywallet · 03/03/2020 23:10

He is her blood brother. It’s ridiculous to think you could hold it back from either of them.

Yeah it might cause a bit of weirdness for the adults but people shouldn’t hide this kind of stuff.

Lifeinthedeep · 03/03/2020 23:13

Just because there’s a can of worms doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be opened. The guy has a right to know he’s having his little half sister over for tea and not just some kid his stepdaughter befriended.

If this is left to linger then the circumstances could be very awkward for all involved. What if your daughter and her friend stay close friends throughout their school years? Are you just going to not tell her she’s been inadvertently spending time with her brother?

GertiMJN · 03/03/2020 23:16

I would definitely speak to the man.
It's information that that he and your DD should have.
If you know about him, then presumably other people know too, so could come out at a later date a that would be far worse.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/03/2020 23:16

Either say nothing act like you didn't make a connection or if you are going to say it he has a right to know before anyone else. Hidden secret's always surface.

TheMaddHugger · 03/03/2020 23:17
  1. baby llama
2 baby alpaca
GertiMJN · 03/03/2020 23:17

LouHotel

So your DD is best friends with her niece?

No, the children are not related at all. The brother is friend's step father

Frannibananni · 03/03/2020 23:20

Why not just say what you know to be true. He has an unusual name and your ex had a son he never saw by that name. That way the balls in his court - he either knows who his father is or he doesn’t.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/03/2020 23:20

Your DD will be her new BFF's step aunt. Grin Are you sure he is SDad and not Dad.

Bouncingbelle · 03/03/2020 23:38

I'd just say to him he has an unusual name, your ex knew someone with that name, does he know your ex? Then take it from there.

Poppyfields21 · 03/03/2020 23:49

I’d also maybe suggest the ‘oh what an unusual name’ route

ChinChinPassMeTheGin · 03/03/2020 23:58

I would go straight to his mother and say to her and go from there. As he may believe his step father is actually his father and also could be untrue altogether as you’ve said about the amount of lies your child’s father has told you

VenusTiger · 04/03/2020 00:06

I agree with pp up thread, he'd surely know by now at 30 that his dad is not his bio dad. Also OP, I understand how this might affect your DD in the future - knowing she's been spending time at his house but never realising she's related to him, I don't think I'd want to lie by omission to my DC in this way.

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 00:09

@siblingrevelryagain because he told me many many plausible lies which I naively and gullibly believed.This isn't even the worst,I believed a lot worse.
Now I just assume every single word out of his mouth is a lie full stop.

OP posts:
YellowHighHeels · 04/03/2020 00:09

Definitely don't speak to the wife and risk putting her in a seriously tricky situation if he doesn't know the full story.

Easier to state the facts, observing that your ex- DD's dad- had his unusual name tattooed on his arm and that it belonged to his adult son who you unfortunately never met.

Let him make the connection. If he has gone through life believing his step dad is his real father, it would be a heck of a big deal to tell him otherwise. Plus if your ex was a liar, are you even sure? Although as a PP said, I would think that would be quite unlikely for someone of his age group, but not impossible.

You could alternatively wait and do a bit of digging conversationally about the girls' grandparents etc. If he mentions an absent dad you could say your piece.

Frankly, on the off chance he doesn't know, I wouldn't risk planting myself in the middle of that level of family secret without testing the waters first.

VenusTiger · 04/03/2020 00:09

@EmeraldShamrock Are you sure he is SDad and not Dad. what do you mean? 🤔