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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out Dds half brother is her new best friends stepdad

137 replies

Bingeslayer · 03/03/2020 21:34

My 7 year old Dd has a much older half brother (30) she's never met because her dad hasn't had contact with his son since he was born,my ex told me about his son after we met so I was aware there was a son living locally.Saw a photo on sm about 8 years ago.
Anyhow a new girl started in Dds class last year and they get on well but this last fortnight they have been attached at the hip and in this time her friend has been to our house twice and met up in local park with friends mum also.Her 2nd visit to ours today she was picked up by her stepdad.
It's my Dds brother!!!!
I was a bit shocked but obviously couldn't say anything as he's totally unaware as far as I know.

My Aibu is this,do I mention this to friends mum (brothers partner),my ex has said his son knows who he is,but ex is a pathological liar so who knows.
Dds brother was raised by his stepdad from birth.
It's not like I expect them to have a sibling relationship because of the age gap but feel awkward having this knowledge and not sharing it,i also don't want to mess up Dds friendship as she finds it hard to make connections.
WWYD?
YABU-keep quiet
YANBU-Tell the partner I think he's Dds brother

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2020 00:14

@VenusTiger Hey, I mean is he definitely DD's best friends step dad or could he be her best friends biological dad.
Just pondering if the girl's might be blood relatives too.

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 00:14

I've messaged his mum,hope this doesn't affect Dd.
I texted ex to say I met his son today,all I got back was "lol"
I think I want this connection for her with her brother because she's got such a shit dad and the fact none of his family bother with her either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 00:17

@emeraldshamrock definitely step dad

OP posts:
TheYearOfTheDog · 04/03/2020 00:21

God almighty. I'd do nothing at all.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2020 00:27

@Bingeslayer I hope it works out well with her big bro. I'm taking a risk by being fluffy on Mnet I believe everything happens for a reason. 🙂

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 04/03/2020 00:33

Good luck. For what it's worth I think you've doing the right thing. If this comes out in the future it could be far worse.

My friend was an auntie to a girl of the same age - I remember at this age they were all giggles about it and got a kick and out telling people they were auntie and niece. It only gets harder and more awkward the older they get so now's probably as good a time to break it to them as you're going to get.

I'd come clean now to your DD's brother. Imagine if you all became friends and they found out you were deceiving them this whole time. It will break the relationship. They'll feel like they can't trust you and will extend that to your daughter too.

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 00:35

@emeraldshamrock thank you,I'm happy if he finds out and nothing comes of it,as long a he's aware and the girls can stay in touch out of school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bingeslayer · 04/03/2020 00:37

@HmmIsThisAGoodIdea Thanks.

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 04/03/2020 00:52

siblingrevelryagain Tue 03-Mar-20 22:55:33
How could you have a child with a man who knows he has a son but doesn’t see him (or have I missed something)?
......
We don't know the circumstances. Such things do happen, maybe the chap's mother wanted to sever connection and go it alone or, if they were very young, her parents could have taken charge of the situation.

It doesn't automatically mean the father rejected the child.

The fact that he told his wife, the op, about the existence of his son shows that he is not a dishonest person.

I think the op should leave well alone, if it comes out naturally that's fine but no point in complicating daughter's relationship with her friend or putting ideas into her head.

timeisnotaline · 04/03/2020 01:00

Who’s mum have you messaged? I assume the stepbrothers - How do you happen to have the number of his mum?

BrendasUmbrella · 04/03/2020 01:40

Of course she should try to say something. Her dd is hanging out at her half brother's house and neither of them know it! It's not fair to keep that information from him now and her later on.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2020 01:48

I think messaging the man's mum was the right thing to do. She, after all, would be the 'secret-keeper' if he doesn't know his stepdad isn't his dad. If he doesn't know, she should be the one to tell him.

Skierrdery · 04/03/2020 02:09

That's a complicated one! I nearly had to draw myself a diagram.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without knowing what the individual characters are like. I suppose his Mum was a good place to start in case your ex either isn't the father or the son doesn't know that he is.

Best of luck with it all.

Ostagazuzulum · 04/03/2020 02:19

Hope it works out positively for you x

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 04/03/2020 02:45

Hope everything goes well for you guys 💓

MRex · 04/03/2020 06:50

I think you've done the right thing, hope it works out well for all.

YellowHighHeels · 04/03/2020 07:07

You just happened to have his mum's number? Why were you considering going via his partner then in the first instance instead of discreetly asking her?

GoFiguire · 04/03/2020 07:26

I’m also curious about why she has her number.

siblingrevelryagain · 04/03/2020 07:27

Bingeslayer-sorry for my question; I was being a judgey arsehole 💐

GertiMJN · 04/03/2020 07:44

I'm now confused. Do you mean you could have made contact with your dd's half brother years ago via his mum but chose not to?

dottiedodah · 04/03/2020 07:47

I would not say anything TBH . You risk throwing a huge splash into a r a calm pond which could cause huge ripples !

GertiMJN · 04/03/2020 07:48

I actually you should have communicated with the man himself. I'd be really pissed off by people discussing me behind my back. He's 30 not 13.
I appreciate that this gives his mother the heads up incase there have been lies, but what if she chooses to do nothing or tells you a lie?

Thursday12 · 04/03/2020 07:53

I’m going to assume she got in touch through social media

littleduckeggblue · 04/03/2020 07:57

Why did you message his mum??
Message him and say you've just put 2+2 together and realised they are related

GertiMJN · 04/03/2020 08:03

I’m going to assume she got in touch through social media
I assumed so too, Thursday but she could have done this years ago, or contacted the man on SM and avoided a situation like this. OP said she knew he was local.