AIBU to get annoyed about the amount of posters who say “you’re not even living together”

[toobusytothink]

Read 3 or 4 posts over the past 24 hours where people have commented on the fact that the OP isn’t even living with their partner and implying therefore they can’t be that serious... If we move a man in we are selfish, moving too soon and not thinking about the kids ... but if we don’t it seems we aren’t committed. Do people not understand that it is possible to be completely committed but not live together because of kids or other factors? Because we are “just” a girlfriend and can’t possibly be someone’s partner unless we have a ring on our finger or have moved in 🙄

It’s a bit unusual to be with someone long term and not even living together, don’t you think?

You aren’t really a partner if you don’t live together, you are boyfriend and girlfriend. You are still a couple but by not cohabiting it is very different to living together

Partner to me = sharing a whole life together, which includes living together

YANBU but I wouldn’t call someone my partner if I hadn’t been with them for a few years. There might be reasons why you don’t live together like distance and jobs, working away or saving for a home together, still living with parents etc
Or time of life, some older people keep their homes and live separately.

If you’ve been with someone for years and don’t live together I would find that a bit strange unless your like a teenager. Can’t be that into each other if you don’t want to live together.

I don’t think I’d call someone my partner unless we were living together.

I wouldn't think of a person as my Partner unless we were living together. Most of what makes it a partnership is sharing our lives together, including the crap bits like bill paying and chore sharing.

What gets me is how many believe everyone they date is a 'partner'. You've known him 5 minutes, he's 'DP'.

I think there's a lot to be said for not living together, especially when kids are involved.

I know several married couples who don't live together.

Do people not understand that it is possible to be completely committed but not live together because of kids or other factors?
Yeah, I understand. 6 years with DP happily, and we live 20 minutes away from each other. We both like our space at times. I don't want to live with a man, been there & it's not for me.

However - If we did split up then 'disentangling' would be a lot easier. We don't live together, we share finances to an extent but nowhere near the level we would if we shared a home.

So I can understand why people say 'less committed' or 'easier to finish with him' - Because that actually is the case. It doesn't compare to marriage or live-in at all.

People are weird about use of the word partner

But also really really weird about people moving in together and the exact breakdown of money. I asked for advice on how to split bills / mortgage as my BF was moving in to the flat I owned and was told, variously, that he was a cocklodger or I was only with him for his money. Or that I should add him immediately to the mortgage and I didn’t I clearly wasn’t committed. Very weird.

MN is just full of people with very different viewpoints and experiences

YANBU, however. Don't understand all this you have to live together to be partners. Sometimes it's a really bad idea, IMO, it very nearly always is when it comes to kids being involved, 'blending' is usually not the best for kids but they're forced to go along with it because their parents prioritise their sex lives.

But you aren't committed in the same way . If you want to split you just say bye bye, block their number and give them their belongings in a cardboard box. It's a bit trickier if you live together; you have to find a house for a start. Never mind suddenly having to find the extra money to do so or unwinding joint finances.

Partnership requires some kind of joint effort. As in a domestic partnership, a business partnership etc. If you’re not living together then it’s a safe assumption to make. Obviously some people might have a fanatical partnership or something but live apart but they’d be a small minority.

I haven't seen that, OP.

But I have seen people confusing everyone by referring to their boyfriend as their 'partner'.

If you don't live together, have no kids together and have no financial commitments together, you aren't partners.

I hear you OP. It’s amazing the way some people think they get to define the level of commitment involved in other people’s relationships based on what they discern looking from the outside in, especially when half of them end up with their own cozy cohabitating relationships in ribbons. If you were to run a furniture removal service especially marketed at them you’d make a fuckin killing!

"You aren’t really a partner if you don’t live together, you are boyfriend and girlfriend. You are still a couple but by not cohabiting it is very different to living together

Partner to me = sharing a whole life together, which includes living together"

Couldn't agree more @Menora

YANBU re the part of not moving in/him not moving in because of kids tho. That makes sense, wait until the DCs grow up a bit. But really it doesn't matter about labels, you know if your man is your partner or not. Living together is not the sum total of it.

We were a couple that spent a lot of time together before we moved in and to be honest it didn’t really feel much different living together full time! It sure is great and a lot nicer in that we get to wake up together every day but we did that a lot not officially living together anyway, so depending on how much time you spend together it dosent always make a big difference! Personally I wouldn’t discount someone’s relationship as not serious if they don’t live together but that’s just me!

I agree OP. I don't live with my partner. We have no plans to live together and that includes after we marry.
We're two middle aged people with lots of responsibilities and, more importantly, we are aware that we need our own space and would struggle to live together. We could do what's expected of us and move in but that isn't what we want and would be conforming to society's view of what a committed relationship is - rather than accept our own definition of commitment.

I think posters usually make the context clear if their is a reason to consider a relationship more committed. I didn’t live with my husband for the 3 months of our marriage for example, for reasons to do with his children.

I think you’re mistaking emotional commitment and practical commitment.

When people say “you’re not even living together” it’s not a dig at how committed you are emotionally, or how deep your love is! It’s a practical point about what ties you have. Basically - none. You can ghost and walk away, if you want.

I work with a woman who is in her 40's, just moved out of her parents home into a flat and has been with her fiance 10 years. They've been engaged 6 years. It's the weirdest set up as he lives with his brother in their parents house (parents have passed on) they decided to get a place together over a year ago but neither of them could commit to saving enough so that didn't happen and she rented a flat because she couldn't stand living with her parents any more. They both live in the same town, she works full time.and he works part time but only see each other a few times a week. I just can't see them as more than boyfriend and girlfriend. There's no actual commitment there

I agree OP.

I was with my partner for 10 years. He had his place, I had mine but we spent pretty much every night together, split shopping bills, pooled money, discussed finances etc. We were in our 40’s.

He died but he was my partner and we were very very committed - just liked the possibility of our own space(s) after a good time single.

Fuck other people perceptions.

Can’t be that into each other if you don’t want to live together it’s not always the fact they don’t want to, it can be difficult when children are involved.

There's no actual commitment there

Commitment doesn't have to be living together, sharing bills etc. It is often as simple as choosing to share a life, see each other frequently. When you don't live together you don't have to put up with each other, so actually one could argue that couples like this (and my relationship) are more committed because we choose to be together and are not trapped by responsibilities and having no where else to go.

If you aren’t married or in a civil partnership then there’s no legal commitment. It’s just dating really.

Even less “ commitment “ if not even living together.

I can’t believe that other people actually care so much as to what someone else calls their other half !

Honestly, I think many people who choose not to live with their partner are making the right choice: especially where children are involved. I often feel sorry for kids who need to live with someone who isn’t their parent