AIBU to get annoyed about the amount of posters who say “you’re not even living together”

[toobusytothink]

Read 3 or 4 posts over the past 24 hours where people have commented on the fact that the OP isn’t even living with their partner and implying therefore they can’t be that serious... If we move a man in we are selfish, moving too soon and not thinking about the kids ... but if we don’t it seems we aren’t committed. Do people not understand that it is possible to be completely committed but not live together because of kids or other factors? Because we are “just” a girlfriend and can’t possibly be someone’s partner unless we have a ring on our finger or have moved in 🙄

Weird. I've never seen that mentioned in a thread ever. And I've been around donkeys Yeats.

What threads are these?

I have a long term partner. I'm 52, he's 59. We both own our own homes five mins apart and have no intention of ever living together.

I would be most insulted if someone said we weren't serious.

It's our choice and it works for us.

If you dont live together thats not a partner thats gf bf.

The definition of partner does not impose the requirement that you live together in order to use the definition 😂 Boyfriend / girlfriend fine is you're young and not been together longer. My PARTNER and I have a long term committed relationship and do not live together. And have no intention of doing so. The way we conduct our PARTNERSHIP works for us 😉

My parents have been married for nearly 50 years and have 3 children together and don't live together.

It seems odd to me that not living together implies less commitment to people.
Surely choosing not to live together actually takes more commitment as you have to actively chose to spend time together?
To the person who said 'if you don't live together you're not really committed' - well I'm
Married, but don't live with my husband full time due to work.
Does that mean I'm less committed? I'd argue the exact opposite.

poshme quite. Much more conscious and involved to choose to spend quality time together than to fall into a kind of humdrum codependency underpinned by financial necessity.

More people have a problem with the word boyfriend and girlfriend than they do partner!
So for all the people getting upset about people not liking the use of partner just as many people dislike using boyfriend and girlfriend.

Partnership isn’t just defined by where you live, but the distinction between that and boyfriend/girlfriend is not a meaningless one. It’s a question of things like who the most important adult in your life is; who will drop everything to look after you when you’re ill; who (barring children) you want to inherit your household possessions; who’s the emergency contact on your passport. We’re not very good at defining that grey fuzzy stuff, which is why conversations about enforcing rights for cohabiting couples are so tricky, but in general we use cohabitation as an imperfect proxy for all of it.

because their parents prioritise their sex lives Some posters bring sex into everything it's so creepy.

EvilRingahBitch that’s true and cohabitation may be the closest proxy in many cases but there’s sometimes a snarky puritanical tone that creeps into this discussion which takes cohabitation as some sort of badge of achievement in the relationship. Implicit in this is the idea that the achievement is on the part of the woman in getting the man “over the line”. When actually in a large number of these cases cohabitation massively benefits the man at the woman’s expense: you see it on here every day.

I just think it’s probably time to reassess this imperfect proxy.

I think this endless navel gazing over boyfriend v partner is a combination of puritanism and a need to feel superior through silly and meaningless gradations. None of it actually matters

I agree completely. My partner and I are the only people entitled to define and describe our relationship. That's the same for all couples. Labels are meaningless so stop the sneering and concentrate on your own relationships. Thank you.

Why do you care what anyone thinks, as long as you are happy, who cares?

I think the almost the opposite is true. Living together is just that unless you are married. A cohabiting couple have no more commitment than flatmates. From a legal perspective at least.

I think married and living apart is more committed than not married and living together.

that creeps into this discussion which takes cohabitation as some sort of badge of achievement in the relationship.

I know. Revolting isn't it. And quite childish too.

I can't to wonder how a number of those who consider themselves in a committed relationship but leaving apart for 'various reasons' mainly opt not to move in together because their benefit more living apart from a financial perspective, ie. bring able to continue claiming benefits, recieving spousal maintenance, bring able to remain in joint property from previous relationship, all 5hst they would lose if moving together.

I guess many people would be better off financially not living together. Personally I would save a fortune if he moved in. He wouldn’t have to pay rent and we’d get to share the cost of all bills etc. Only my council tax would increase a bit. But we are holding off because of kids. Just upsets me sometimes that people somehow think we aren’t as serious and don’t treat us the same as couples who live together. Personally I find some people move in just to save money ...

I've been with DP for over 4 years. I'm divorced and have a teenage daughter, he's always lived alone.

I have no plan to 'blend' him into my family, and although I daresay one day when DD has left home and it's financially sensible we may move in together but in the meantime this works for us. Doesn't stop us being committed to each other.

And surely the fact that there's no obligation to continue our relationship as we could both just walk away means more than having to stay together for the kids / mortgage / finances? We could split up with very little complications (except the emotional ones) but we're still together. Surely that means something?

Have to agree with pp, referring to your partner usually means the person you live with sharing all of life with just not married so if you don't live together then you say boyfriend/girlfriend.

Must say that I wouldn't call someone out on a thread though.

Oh, and I was married AND living with AND had a child with ExH.

So that's committed, yes?

Except that he had an affair so it meant nothing. It's what you both feel that matters. Everything else is just geography.

if you don't live together then you say boyfriend/girlfriend

Even if you're in your 50s??

I feel like as a Londoner in my early 20s, living together is hard.

Obviously the goal is to buy a house together but as housing is so expensive, it will take years longer for us to afford it, compared to those in cheaper areas of the UK.

So the alternative is to rent. I rent. Renting is fine but I’ve certainly experienced the frustrating downsides - if I had the opportunity to live for free at my parents, I’d probably take it. So I wouldn’t necessarily write off someone’s relationship as not being serious if they don’t live together yet as there’s many other factors involved

I agree. I have been with my fella for 2.5 years and for me living together is way off. I refer to him as my partner because at 48 I feel I'm too old to be saying my boyfriend so what else can i call him.

Other half? Or is that not allowed either ...

Wiaa
"Have to agree with pp, referring to your partner usually means the person you live with sharing all of life with just not married so if you don't live together then you say boyfriend/girlfriend."

As threads on here show, that doesn't even apply to married couples. The Husband has his money and doesn't engage with the running of the house, or children.

I referred to someone who i didn't live with as my Partner. I could count on him for anything, so could my family. We were together for seven years, bf/gf didn't describe our relationship.

"I have no plan to 'blend' him into my family, and although I daresay one day when DD has left home and it's financially sensible we may move in together"

By that time he might be a grump whose snoring has got to extremes. Visiting each other is a much better plan.

Many older couples stop sharing a bed and have their own rooms, it doesn't mean that they are just housemates.