AIBU to get annoyed about the amount of posters who say “you’re not even living together”

[toobusytothink]

Read 3 or 4 posts over the past 24 hours where people have commented on the fact that the OP isn’t even living with their partner and implying therefore they can’t be that serious... If we move a man in we are selfish, moving too soon and not thinking about the kids ... but if we don’t it seems we aren’t committed. Do people not understand that it is possible to be completely committed but not live together because of kids or other factors? Because we are “just” a girlfriend and can’t possibly be someone’s partner unless we have a ring on our finger or have moved in 🙄

There's nothing wrong with not living together--that is very, very sensible. Technically, I would call such a person a boyfriend or girlfriend, though.

I’m 39 - I am way too old to have a ‘boyfriend’ or be somebody’s ‘girlfriend.’

If they're not living together then they're just courting, but certainly not partners.

Yanbu op...there is a lot of snobbery on here about it.
Well my FIANCE and i live apart ( as was thd norm 50 years ago) as we cannot afford to live together untill i finish uni.
So as we don't live together we are only bf and gf even though we are engaged???

I think people get het up about this as they want to feel superior to other women for having "properly" snagged a man. They also like to put relationships in discreet boxes as it makes them feel more secure.

I didn't live with my husband until about three months after we married. We spent almost every night together, but had separate places about a 10 minute drive apart. No kids involved, just busy lives meant we didn't move in together.

Try being a medic and having to move around a lot! Jobs often prevent people from living together

We are getting married this year but have been together since university and hopefully living together after that as I finally have a job near to him!

I have occasionally seen this OP and I agree with you. There are lots of different ways to have a relationship and trying to shove other people
Into the boxes that reflect your own experience doesn't work.

Someone can be serious and not live together. People can move in before they've been together long. People can be married and own separate houses. People can be apart and in the same house.

There was a thread on this recently.

If there are no shared finances, property, joint legal agreements, a marriage or cohabitation contract or DC, then commitment or “partnership” aren’t there, other than emotionally, which is subjective.

So as we don't live together we are only bf and gf even though we are engaged???

I'm in the same position - although for us it is because of distance, work and life commitments and the fact that we need and like our own space. This'll blow some minds......we're not even planning on living together after we marry either!

I think that people are too quick to jump into living together to be honest and that is often detrimental to women when they discover too late that the perfect boyfriend of 4 weeks is in fact a manchild who has never lived alone.

A good friend of mine and her partner have been together for 10 years and never lived together, or have plans to do so. No particular reason other than they prefer it that way.

I've been with my partner for over a year and we want to marry each other because we are committed. But we also know ourselves, and each other, well enough to know that living together would be tricky.

I never realised that MY choices for how I refer to the man I share MY life with was such a topic for debate....it's both horrifying and fascinating that in 2020 people can be so narrow minded and judgemental about something that makes perfect sense.

I never realised that MY choices for how I refer to the man I share MY life with was such a topic for debate....it's both horrifying and fascinating that in 2020 people can be so narrow minded and judgemental about something that makes perfect sense.

^^ this

I'm actually feeling angry about this thread, people saying my relationship isn't serious because we're not living together know nothing.

I wish I didn't care so much how other people define our relationship...

I agree OP. I know two couples in their 60s who have been together for decades, are totally committed to each other but have never lived together. Would you really call them girlfriend and boyfriend?

I don't understand why people feel they can tell from the outside how committed a couple is. Just because a relationship will be difficult to disentangle due to financial commitments, children etc. doesn't mean the two partners are truly committed. People even get married for the wrong reasons, not because they are truly committed to each other!
Me and DP are not married and never will get married, some people look down on our relationship. I couldn't care less to be honest, many people have a very narrow idea of how others should live their lives.

then commitment or “partnership” aren’t there, other than emotionally, which is subjective.
Which is exactly why its impossible for outsiders to gauge the level of commitment.

Exactly! So 2 people can be completely committed to each other, but outsiders will still decide they aren’t. Personally I don’t want my financial affairs to ever get entangled with my bf’s. But I still plan on spending the rest of my life with him

The essence of the issue is that people need to stop being so snobby about the word boyfriend.

It doesn't actually have an age limit on and it doesn't imply the relationship is purely casual.

The essence of the issue is that people need to stop being so snobby about the word boyfriend.

No the essence of the issue is that people need to stop questionning how people define their relationship.

Jamie a boy is a child. That’s why.

Years ago when I was in Y7 we had to write our autobiography in English. I included a story about my grandmother and her partner. My English teacher said "oh is that your grandmother's boyfriend."
The idea of 2 people in their late 70s being referred to as boyfriend and girlfriend was just weird. Especially as he could see from what I'd written that they'd been together for 6 years.
As long as your in a comitted relationship you're partners. Living together doesn't define what you are. What defines a partnership is how you treat each other.

a boy is a child. That’s why.

If that's your objection then surely no one could use the term. As children don't usually enter relationships, and anyone over 16-18 isn't a child.

Then you’re not partners/committed OP, other than in the emotional sense. Use whatever name you like but your finances, property etc are separate, not married, no DC. Should you split up it’d be quick and straightforward to separate.

Lots of narrow-minded people on here who cannot see the value of a realtionship that isn't just like theirs and who judge your relationship on the criteria that are important to them.

You can be together for life, have kids, share finances, sex, holidays, trials and triumphs. Plenty of co-habiting and married couples have relationships that are full of violence, disrespect, cheating, mistrust, financial abuse and lack of comittment. And divorce rates are high so clearly committment doesn't come as standard with a ring!!

Oh - and "boyfriend"?? Really?

^Just because a relationship will be difficult to disentangle due to financial commitments, children etc. doesn't mean the two partners are truly committed

Yep this. Plenty of people who want to get out of their marriages or living arrangements but they can't due to finances. Doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me. More of a shackle. I don't live with my partner and I doubt we ever will. Yet we are committed to spending quality time together, we help eachother out and we enjoy each others company. It's a pretty good partnership as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, emotional commitment / partnership.

But not legal, financial, cohabitation or parenting commitment or partnership.

But you aren't committed in the same way confused. If you want to split you just say bye bye, block their number and give them their belongings in a cardboard box

I did exactly this with my cheating ex of many years.
Adults are capable of working out if their relationship is committed or not whatever their arrangement. Without other people getting involved.

Yes, emotional commitment / partnership.
But not legal, financial, cohabitation or parenting commitment or partnership

Its still a partnership,🙄 Which is just as valid as one where people have shackled themselves together financially, whether they like eachother or not. A partnership which is far more stable than my previous marriage.