To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

Is it fair that the CMS treated us the same if we split up

Erm, yes. Yes it is.

She is masters degree educated but doesn't need to work as she owns her house outright and has plenty put aside (wealthy family bought me out of FMH when we got divorced).

It's highly unlikely she's getting benefits then. Her financial situation doesn't mean you don't have an obligation to provide for your child. If she's not needing to work then why should she ?

Yanbu. Your ex wife sounds like a lazy sponger.

Her financial situation doesn't mean you don't have an obligation to provide for your child

But he already is by doing his 50%!

But, the OP must be lying (apparently) because he's man.

I think it's more that the story has more holes than Swiss cheese and he's fucked off. That's why he's obviously lying. .

“ I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours”

What was the arrangement when you were married? Did she give up a career or end up in a more precarious employment position when you had a child which has longterm benefited your employment? How did you get yourself into the position of having this job - does she have equal access to this sort of job? I’m not saying she shouldn’t work at all, but I fear you may not recognise how you have managed to get yourself into a particular work and financial position to her detriment

to answer a few more questions:

1. there are no holes in my story
2. I've had this same job for the last 9 years
3. I dont earn a huge wage, more like an average one
4. my ex didnt work prior to having out child
5. I take (and pay for) haircuts
6. I have completely independent clothes including school uniform. Nothing is shuttled between houses
7. I do homework and reading etc
8. I do all school related activities on the days they live with me, cooking, baths, toe nail clipping... It's really odd some people seem to think those things are mothers' jobs, very sexist imo against women...
9. The child has never been Ill so hasn't gone to the doctors although of course I would do so. Mum took to dentist last but I am free to take to appointments too and have the same dentist (dental care is free).
10. The CMS decided maintenance on the basis of who receives child benefit. I have challenged that decision.

But. Why does he have to pay? What is this obligation? He meets his child's needs exactly 50% so why does she need the money?

You shouldn’t have to pay.
I have 50:50 custody and there is no maintenance arrangement.

Ex husband receives the child benefit as I’m the higher earner ( thought it was fair).

Cms calulator even states you dont pay if its shared care.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit
CM covers the roof over the kids head, gas, electricity and water. The calculation covers the absolute best minimums.

CM covers the roof over the kids head, gas, electricity and water. The calculation covers the absolute best minimums

But op physically provides all this in his own home.
He shouldnt be paying to provide this in the mothers home. She should be doing that.

@ChrissieKeller61 that argument doesn't work when he is providing exactly that half the time.

I'm not sure the flexibility of jobs really has anything to do with it. The exw could go back to work if she chose to, and pay for childcare the same as everyone else who works with children do, if they don't have family around to support and help. She can claim up to 70% of all childcare back depending on how much she earns. If everyone took the attitude of 'i can't work as I can't find a job flexible enough to fit around my dc' there wouldn't be many of us working. Just because the op is more fortunate with his work doesn't have any bearing on wether the exw goes to work or not.

If the split is 50/50 then I do feel that it's unfair that CM is still paid, whoever of it's gone via the formal route, thems the rules. The same as why should the exw get get child benefit when it's 50/50. Might not be fair but it's the rules

Op you sound very bitter around it, but there's not much you can do. The only thing to think of is being the best parent for your dc, also your exw's benefits will diminish over time as your dc gets older, however because of your employment, you'll hopefully continue to earn regardless of how old your dc is.

Im not saying he can tell her what to do. Why are you assuming i am?

Because you are over the opinions he is entitled to an opinion on what she does, when it doesnt impact him.

Why is it a bad example for her stay at home, as a single parent, self funding. But ok if a sahp is still part of a couple and funded by their partner it's fine?

Why is anyone obligated to have a job, if they dont need one? She isnt claiming benefits. Op is misinformed.

Op was happy to have a child with someone that didnt work. He said she didnt work pre child.

He didnt seem that fussed about an example she was setting then and nowhere in his op is it he is concerned about the example she is setting.

I have always had a career. But, I cant believe anyone thinks, not working, when you can self fund is a bad thing.

Again, his opinion is that she shouldnt be claiming because its 50:50 and she is a scrounger for not working. Her not working isnt any of his business.

@NomDeDieu Maybe I misunderstood - I thought his wife wasn't working.

Dear me, there are some real man haters on this thread 😂

I think if everythig you've said is true then I think she is lazy and wonder what on earth she spends her days doing ... I'd crack up!
I'm 22 studying for the Bar with a three year old so don't think there's any excuse to not want to get a job for your LO's future

Ugh this type of man makes me cringe

I'm 22 studying for the Bar with a three year old so don't think there's any excuse to not want to get a job for your LO's future

Good for you. I am 37 with a career that's given a well paid job. I have also been a single parent to 2, during this time. Never not worked.

However, why does not having a job equal lazy?

The woman, doesnt claim benefits, she comes from a wealthy family and self funds. That's up to her.

Her not working doesnt make her a bad parent.

And you say mn hates women. I think uys quote clear that plenty of MN hate women, especially if they have good financial position.

I remember being a choosey choice 22 year old who hadn't seen the worst of the patriarchy yet. Still young and cute enough to benefit from benign sexism, scoffing at older, wiser women who saw through the bullshit. Oh for that skin again (but with my brain because fuck that noise).

I don't hate men. I love the men in my life. I don't like men who are willing to take a handout from their wife's wealthy parents while calling her a scrounger. And who makes up stories to make her look bad. Because something smells in this thread.

I think it's more that the story has more holes than Swiss cheese and he's fucked off. That's why he's obviously lying.

Apparently the ops ex owns the house outright and has plenty put aside

Also claims state benefits

Wonder what state benefits can be claimed when you have plenty put aside & haven’t been working previously

Err none....

The woman, doesnt claim benefits, she comes from a wealthy family and self funds. That's up to her.

If she's wealthy enough to not work and not claim benefits how can she claim CM from the op, who isn't wealthy, has to work and has a mortgage to pay?

If her personal income is so high then maybe op could look at claiming CM from her?

If she's wealthy enough to not work and not claim benefits how can she claim CM from the op, who isn't wealthy, has to work and has a mortgage to pay?

CMS isnt based in her income. Only his.

Does have a mortgage? His first post they both own their own houses. Because her wealthy family bought him out.

Maybe he can, he should look at that.

Her income doesnt impact the CMS claim against him. So it's not relevant to the OP.

*If she's wealthy enough to not work and not claim benefits how can she claim CM from the op, who isn't wealthy, has to work and has a mortgage to pay?

If her personal income is so high then maybe op could look at claiming CM from her?*

Because that’s not how CM works.

CM is paid to a parent with main care of a child from the non resident parent. How wealthy that resident parent is is irrelevant- the non resident parent pays their share to support their child.

She could be richard branson wealthy. He would still have to pay 15% of his salary to support his child.

Why he shouldn’t be paying is nothing to do with whether she is a millionaire or skint. It’s because he does equal care so CM is reduced to 0 as they have equal costs...

Right. But there is no main resident parent.