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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

506 replies

youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 13:55

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

OP posts:

conduitoffortune · 04/03/2020 18:26

There are some absolute knobheads on this thread, I'm shocked, thought Mumsnet was better than that.

Of course OP shouldn't pay maintenance when there is a 50:50 care arrangement.
The child's mum's low income is her own responsibility.
Yes she should get a job rather than claiming benefits given she has a school age child who lives elsewhere half the week (even if she didn't).

What's with all the comments about OP 'not wanting to pay for his child'? He pays for his child during the 50% of her life that she is with him. Should the mum pay him like he pays her? So fucking ridiculous.

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 18:38

Maybe the cms are wrong?

Even when they are you cant just not pay it. You have to pay until they rectify their fuck up.

NomDeDieu · 04/03/2020 18:45

Then if CMS are worng, he should be taking that with them. It’s not his ex wife’s fault if they made a mistake (unless she misled them, which the OP hasn’t said).
And her working and having a job wouldn’t change the amount he is paying until he has sorted stuff out with CMS.

There is simply no relation between what he pays as CM and whether his ex is working or not

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 18:52

1. Of course OP shouldn't pay maintenance when there is a 50:50 care arrangement.

Cms dont agree. If he wants to challenge that he should

Ops employments status, does not impact the claim. It's either payable or not.

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 19:27

Yes he should be taking it up with them but it doesnt mean he cant also post on MN about it does it?

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 19:33

Who said he couldnt post?

He said should she get a job. The answer is 'that's none of your business'. Her working doesnt impact the CMS claim.

If its wrong he needs to take it up with them. Her employment status has nothing to do with it

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 19:36

He can still have an opinion whether you like it or not.

Nobodies said its directly related to the cms claim but i can imagine it grates.

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 19:40

Who said he cant?

He asked if he was being unreasonable?

And yes, I think he is unreasonable to think she should have to work.

It doesnt impact CMS. So it's not his business.

Besides which, a mother of a school age child doesnt get to just live on benefits. So that's not true.

NomDeDieu · 04/03/2020 19:48

Why does it grate though?

If she had a jab paying really good money, more than he has (seing that what he pays is a stretch for him), would it not grate massively too?

I suspect we would hear
‘My ex earns much more than me but I still have to pay CM and can’t go on hols whist she has two hols abroad each year. I think she can only do that because I give her some CM. AIBU to pay less/nothing as she doesn’t need the money?’

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 19:50

Maybe it would? I dont know?

Basically whatever the man says unless its about how brilliant his ex is, youre going to think hes a twat. Because hes a man.

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 19:54

Nots because her employment status is nothing to do with him.

zaffa · 04/03/2020 19:54

In support of the OP, CMS have made DH pay child maintenance for DSS despite a full 50/50 arrangement (week one with mum, week two with dad). Exactly the same situation, we have our own uniform, pay for everything from school clubs to lunches etc on our weeks, no cross over of things going back and forth - but CMS said that as his ex claims child benefit she is seen as the primary carer.

So in effect, we pay for everything here and also subsidise his mum paying for her share.

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 19:55

Maybe not to him. It affects his child though.

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 19:57

How does her working impact their son?

If the CMS calculation is correct, its correct. She could work tomorrow and the CMS would remain the same.

So her working staus is not impacting their son.

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 19:58

Personally i think it sets a bad example.

I know the cms wont change whether she works or not. Iv said that several times.

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 20:06

I know the cms wont change whether she works or not. Iv said that several times..

So her employment status isnt impacting their son either then. You said it was

Wether a mother should work or not, is the argument. As a working mother (who has also been working single mother of 2) I don't think you have to work to set a good example.

But OP is either leaving information out or is simply wrong about state benefits. UC and TC, before it, did not support single parents with school age children to just not work.

She is self funding, or there are other children, perhaps a disability etc.

If she chooses to self fund and not work, that up to her and wont change the CMS postion.

So again her working isnt his business.

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 20:07

Ive just said its affecting their son because its sets a bad example.

Ontheverge96 · 04/03/2020 20:10

I agree 100 that she should be pulling her own weight now if it’s 50/50 you shouldn’t HAVE to contribute to her share. However if the money you give her isnt leaving you short financially and is 100% going on your child then it shouldn’t really matter. It sounds like your child possibly has more luxuries at your end than the mothers and if this payment means your child gets to enjoy tho luxuries while with mum then surely it’s a good thing. Just my opinion tho OP.

Bobbi73 · 04/03/2020 20:14

It is difficult to say. I had a successful career as a freelancer before we had kids and as he was the slightly higher earner, I gave it up. I have since retained and earn far less than him. Particularly as his work has carried on with little change and so he now earns a lot. He wouldn't have been able to do this had I not been at home.
If we split, I would be far worse off than him but I would have a mortgage to pay, without that, I could manage.
Anyway, ultimately, if everything is as you say, I don't think you should be paying CMS.

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 20:14

Ive just said its affecting their son because its sets a bad example.

How?

So if OP does something his ex seems to be a bad example, but he (and others) thinks it's perfectly ok, he needs to stop living life how he wants and do as she says.

Because in her opinion, its setting a bad example?

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 20:18

Im not saying she should do owt her ex says. Im saying that i, personally think its setting a bad example and will affect her child.

I think not working is a bad example. Me. Personally. Thats it.

Kirkman · 04/03/2020 20:23

But why is not working a bad example?

You think all sahp, set a bad example?

You would work for the sake of it, if you won the lottery? That's right, that is you and your opinion.

Mine is different. I have stated that. I very much disagree not working is a bad example.

But I havent said, he cant post on mn about it, he cant have an opinion.

Lots of seperate parents dont agree with everything the other parent does. That in some way, may impact a child. It's not up to him to dictate her employment status.

OutOntheTilez · 04/03/2020 20:24

For the love, if the OP was a woman writing this about her ex-husband who doesn’t work, exact same scenario, can you imagine the responses? “He’s lazy.” “He should get off his arse and get a job to support the child he helped create.” And so on. Regardless of state benefits.

I agree with Babytigerrr – imo too, not working when one can and should sets a bad example. My teenager has a job – it’s a great way to show him that he’s got to work for what he wants in life and not everything’s going to be handed to him.

YANBU, OP. My opinion, unless your ex is disabled (she doesn’t appear to be), she’s got family money (doesn’t seem to be), or there are younger children involved (there aren’t) she should be pulling her weight and – gulp - get a job.

Noconceptofnormal · 04/03/2020 20:24

OK here is my female perspective on this. As usual the devil is in the detail.

You are indeed fortunate that you have a completely flexible job that you can fit round the school run etc. These jobs tend to be acquired through seniority within a company / industry and good will eg from being at the company for a few years.

Someone starting work now after a number of years out of worm is not going to land a job like that. Did your ex give up a career to look after your baby?

To give you an analogy - my dh and I used to do the same job, in the 5 years I've been off work with small dc, his career has skyrocketed and he's now in your shoes, he's well paid and can work flexibly. I on the other hand have lost a lot of value in the industry and could probably only now walk into short term contracts with no flexibility and long hours. Is it fair that the CMS treated us the same if we split up?

Also be honest. Who is it that takes your dc to the dentist, doctor, makes sure homework is done, cuts her nails, books haircuts, facilitates play dates, buys presents for schoolfriend birthday parties, fills in the forms at school, sorts out costumes for world book day. Is it really equal or does most of this fall on your ex? Being the primary parent isn't just physical time with the kid, it's that mental load stuff we women tiresomely go on about.

I'm not saying your ex shouldn't work. Maybe she's a freeloader. But I'm always a bit skeptical of men who say everything is equal as it rarely is, sorry.

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 20:29

You think all sahp, set a bad example?

No. Because the other person in the couole is working.

You would work for the sake of it, if you won the lottery?

I would. Less hours maybe but i wouldnt give up no.

Im not saying he can tell her what to do. Why are you assuming i am?

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