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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Smoking in the house

101 replies

Simonex · 03/03/2020 11:44

AIBU to ask partners parents to stop smoking in their home for the sake of my children?

Ive lived in their house for 10 months now and smoking had been an issue from day one. I have a 5 years old from a previous relationship and now 4 months pregnant. I think smoking in the house is unacceptable in general but with kids in the house it's even worse.

My partners parents have a different view, 'it's their house they can do what they want. They've been smoking in the house for 20+ years so who am I to tell them to stop'. Which I get BUT when it involves kids in my eyes it's becomes a different situation.

I thought I managed to get them to agree to smoking in the conservatory as they refused to go outside (still not good but small victories I guess), which I thought had happened since day one. Come to find out a few days ago the mum has been smoking in her room in the morning and night since I moved in. Not one or two here and there but multiple cigarettes daily. I was convinced I was constantly smelling fresh cigarette smoke, my partner didn't so thought I was being extra but turns out I was right.

Anyway asked her to stop or we're gonna have to figure out some way to move out which isn't actually possible and she knows this. (I only moved into partners house as I had no choice as my parents decided to sell the house I was living in prior to moving in with them.) She thought about it and said no she's not going to stop.

So now I'm stressing myself out trying to figure out what I can do to get my kids out this house. Would have never moved in if I knew the mum would continue to smoke in the house. I mean I would've been homeless but at least I could've tried the council in my own area but now seeing as I've moved, the council won't help me as I've haven't lived in the area long enough. Plus there's more needy people than me anyway.

So as I said AIBU to ask partners parents to stop smoking in their home for the sake of my children? And is my partners mum saying no her being unreadable?

OP posts:

Strongmummy · 03/03/2020 11:51

I totally understand your concern, but yes it’s their house. Really tough. I’m rather amazed that they doesn’t understand your perspective , especially as you’re now pregnant with their grandchild. I assume you’ve spoken to them about it in a calm, respectful way? If so then I’m afraid you are just going to have to leave ASAP as it sounds as tho they’re not going to change . Also Where is your partner in all this? What’s he/she doing ? Why is it up to you to raise this

AngelicInnocent · 03/03/2020 11:51

Its grim but it is their house not yours.

PlugUgly1980 · 03/03/2020 11:56

Their house, their rules. Tough, but you need to find alternative accommodation.

CornishPorsche · 03/03/2020 11:58

It's their house.

You need to be an adult and move out.

Throughthegate · 03/03/2020 12:04

You need to move out as they can smoke in their own house.
And then given they don't give a shit about their grandchildren, I wouldn't see them again.

Fuckmesideways · 03/03/2020 12:06

And then given they don't give a shit about their grandchildren, I wouldn't see them again.

^ this is spot on.

MaggieFS · 03/03/2020 12:08

Very tricky because it's their house. The only thing I can think of, is can you use the midwife as an excuse and you're the messenger rather than the 'bad cop'. Presumably the midwife did a carbon monoxide test on you at booking in? Could you ask her to do another and see what reading you get and then what recommendations she has?

puds11 · 03/03/2020 12:09

Smoking indoors is grim. But it’s their house. Their disregard for yours and your children’s health is astounding.

PawPawNoodle · 03/03/2020 12:10

Why can't you move out with your partner to your own home?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/03/2020 12:12

we're gonna have to figure out some way to move out which isn't actually possible and she knows this

it's always possible. What' stopping you from renting somewhere?

Agree that ultimately, it's their house so their rules, even if it grim (I never used to smoke in the house when I was a smoker).

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 03/03/2020 12:12

You should not be living there

HopeYouStepOnALego · 03/03/2020 12:13

It's horrid to be living with their smoke and whilst it's not unreasonable to ask them to not smoke, YABU to expect it in their own house.

Can you and your DP not afford to rent somewhere? Is he backing you up with your requests?

My MIL used to be the same (though I didn't live with them). It was very much "if you don't like it, don't come round". Then she had a quadruple heart bypass and was forced to quit. Then she became all sanctimonious and couldn't bear other people's smoke.

Nanny0gg · 03/03/2020 12:14

I loathe smoking with a passion so I'd never move into a smoker's home in the first place

justcleanyourbloodyteeth · 03/03/2020 12:14

It's completely horrible and their lack of concern for their unborn grandchild is awful, but it's their house so it sounds like you're stuck. Are you and your partner unable to afford somewhere between you?

CtrlU · 03/03/2020 12:17

It’s annoying and of course it would bother me; but the reality is it’s thier house. Time to move out hun

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 12:21

It’s rude but I don’t think you can ask them to stop in their own home. Time to move

TabbyMumz · 03/03/2020 12:22

Why did you think they would magically just stop because you moved in? Life isnt like that.

Waterandlemonjuice · 03/03/2020 12:22

You need to move out

It’s their house, they can do what they like

Crazyoldmaurice · 03/03/2020 12:29

Its their house, if they dont want to stop they wont.

Its your responsibility as a parent to make sure the environment your kids grow up in is a safe one. Find somewhere else to live, no matter where it is.

RocketFire · 03/03/2020 12:31

why move in with them knowing this?

Wa1kthisway · 03/03/2020 12:32

It maybe their house but it's your lungs and your children are your responsibility.
The health risks to your unborn child and your small child are very high and they're putting their own addictions before the health of their family.
Suggest they find one room (can the shed be classified as a room?) they smoke in until you all leave.
And I would be finding alternative living accommodation quick smart.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 12:37

their house, their rules.

i wouldn't visit, though - let alone live there

Move out.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 03/03/2020 12:43

It’s their house, you can’t stop them smoking. You’d think they’d at least care about the health of their grandchildren enough though to go with the compromise of only smoking in the conservatory, with the doors and windows open.

I think you’re going to have to find a way to move out before the baby comes. I wouldn’t want a new born in a house with people smoking.

Kimbaland · 03/03/2020 12:47

You have a child and one on the way and aren't able to support your own home. You have moved in with them and now want to dictate how they live. Sorry but it's their house, their rules

RocketFire · 03/03/2020 12:50

you have become pregnant also knowing the house is full of smoke.....what was your line of thought here? did you think once you were pregnant they would stop?

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