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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Smoking in the house

101 replies

Simonex · 03/03/2020 11:44

AIBU to ask partners parents to stop smoking in their home for the sake of my children?

Ive lived in their house for 10 months now and smoking had been an issue from day one. I have a 5 years old from a previous relationship and now 4 months pregnant. I think smoking in the house is unacceptable in general but with kids in the house it's even worse.

My partners parents have a different view, 'it's their house they can do what they want. They've been smoking in the house for 20+ years so who am I to tell them to stop'. Which I get BUT when it involves kids in my eyes it's becomes a different situation.

I thought I managed to get them to agree to smoking in the conservatory as they refused to go outside (still not good but small victories I guess), which I thought had happened since day one. Come to find out a few days ago the mum has been smoking in her room in the morning and night since I moved in. Not one or two here and there but multiple cigarettes daily. I was convinced I was constantly smelling fresh cigarette smoke, my partner didn't so thought I was being extra but turns out I was right.

Anyway asked her to stop or we're gonna have to figure out some way to move out which isn't actually possible and she knows this. (I only moved into partners house as I had no choice as my parents decided to sell the house I was living in prior to moving in with them.) She thought about it and said no she's not going to stop.

So now I'm stressing myself out trying to figure out what I can do to get my kids out this house. Would have never moved in if I knew the mum would continue to smoke in the house. I mean I would've been homeless but at least I could've tried the council in my own area but now seeing as I've moved, the council won't help me as I've haven't lived in the area long enough. Plus there's more needy people than me anyway.

So as I said AIBU to ask partners parents to stop smoking in their home for the sake of my children? And is my partners mum saying no her being unreadable?

OP posts:

Blondefancy · 03/03/2020 12:54

Your carbon monoxide rating must be through the roof! i walked past (well literally through as couldn’t get around them) a couple smoking when I was 38 weeks pregnant. When I got to the hospital I did the test and it came out beeping and flashing red I didn’t realise just how little you need to breath in in order for it to show!!
I can’t imagine how horrible it must be living in a cloud of smoke when you’re a non smoker I defo agree on trying to contact the council (maybe physically pop into go see speak to someone) and explain your situation.

TabbyMumz · 03/03/2020 12:56

Are you working op? Just curious? Are you both saving up to get your own place or is this an indefinite move?

roarfeckingroar · 03/03/2020 12:58

YANBU that's disgusting and awful for your kids. Can you move out ?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/03/2020 12:59

I really don't get this. You knew they smoked but you moved in anyway. You knew they hadn't stopped smoking in the house but you carry on and get pregnant. You cannot dictate how people choose to behave in their house, but you can choose whether or not to live with them and their behaviour. Move out.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/03/2020 13:00

I wouldn't even contemplate visiting a house where people smoke inside. You need to move out for your own children health. Surely between the two of you you can find somewhere cheap to rent? Maybe your partner can look at increasing his hours at work or one of you could take on a second job to save the deposit?

Kimbaland · 03/03/2020 13:00

Amen to this.

RocketFire · 03/03/2020 13:02

@sweeneytoddsrazor

yes, quite! where is the op to explain further?

inwood · 03/03/2020 13:02

You can't control their behaviour in their own house.

Move out.

Purpleartichoke · 03/03/2020 13:03

I agree, their house, their rules.

What I can’t believe is that you moved your child into this home in the first place. Even if you thought they would limit smoking to outside.

Does your older child have another parent who could take residential custody until you can figure out new housing. At least that way she would be out of this environment quickly.

AgentPrentiss · 03/03/2020 13:05

Wow what a shit show.

Why are you having a baby when you don’t have a home and are forced to live with people who smoke inside?

Smoking inside is gross as fuck but they’re quite right, it’s their house and they can do what they like. If you don’t like it, leave.

Regardless of my feelings on smoking, if I was supporting and entire family financially with a place to live I would be fucked off if they tried to start telling me what I could and couldn’t do.

Astounding.

TheTiaraManager · 03/03/2020 13:05

I loathe smoking but you cannot I taste what they do in their home. You need to live elsewhere or accept it until you can move out.

Is the plan for you & your partner to live together? Or is s/he planning to keep living there?

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/03/2020 13:06

i walked past (well literally through as couldn’t get around them) a couple smoking when I was 38 weeks pregnant. When I got to the hospital I did the test and it came out beeping and flashing red

Shit is this true? I have to walk through the huge clouds of smoke which is the entrance to the hospital and I hate it! It is the only time I am around cigarettes and makes me feel so ill. I didn't know just that tiny exposure could impact my carbon monoxide readings! Haven't had any since my booking in app.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/03/2020 13:18

It would be good if OP could come back and explain why she is trapped living with her partners parents.

notfromstepford · 03/03/2020 13:18

Exactly what @sweeneytoddsrazor said - move out or put up with it.

Icecreamdiva · 03/03/2020 13:23

I hate smoking but if people want to do it in their own home they are perfectly entitled to do so. I have a couple of elderly relations who smoke and I won’t even visit them in their homes, let alone move in with them. I’m sorry to say it OP but I think you have to put up with this.

Original poster

Simonex · 03/03/2020 13:26

Several of you haven't actually read what I have written. I said I didn't know she was continuing to smoke in the house until A FEW DAYS AGO. So I didn’t suddenly become 4 months pregnant in the last three days sweenytoddsrazor. And as I said I spoke to my partner about the fact I could still smell smoke but he was adamant they weren’t smoking in the house.

BEFORE I moved in they agree to stop smoking in the house, which is what I’m most annoyed about. As I said if they said it wasn’t possible to stop I wouldn’t have moved in.

TabbyMumz yes I work and so does my partner. I currently work nights and my partner works days so we can both do a good amount of hours while still being able to look after my son with no help. Also we both pay an unnecessary amount of rent and are in fact supporting his parents at this point rather than the other way around AgentPrentiss. In fact if we move out his parents would struggle.
We were saving to move out and I did have savings but as I had an MS flare last year and was out of work for 6 months I used up a lot of my savings trying to keep us out of the red. So we are behind in moving to our own place.
Our original plan was to stay at his parents temporarily till we found a place we wanted but then the MS flare happened.

Blondefancy my carbon monoxide rating is 2, I was tested on Saturday.

We can afford to move but to a different/cheaper area but that would mean pulling my son out of school which I’m unwilling to do. He has a few social issues but has excelled in his current school which he started in September.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/03/2020 13:26

Move out. They're housing your child and you chose to get pregnant again knowing you can't afford it. Time to take some responsibility.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 13:30

I’m afraid I agree with the others, you cannot live in their home and feel they need to abide by your rules.

As for the rent, then if you feel it’s unfair, take that discussion.

Alternatively move out and change your sons school. The parents finances are their own problem.

But no, as grim as it is, you cannot make the rules.

Ohtherewearethen · 03/03/2020 13:38

I couldn't live like that and I absolutely share your horror and disgust. It comes across, and forgive me if I've misinterpreted it, though that the only solution you are willing to accept is that you have the right to demand they stop smoking in their house. I'm gobsmacked people still smoke in their homes to be honest, especially around children and babies, but it seems like they are not going to stop. Imagine going to bed in a smoky room, bed sheets reeking of smoke, it would make me sick.
The only options are to put up with it or move out, simple as that really. You can stamp your foot harder but you'll just end up with a sore foot.

AgentPrentiss · 03/03/2020 13:44

Also we both pay an unnecessary amount of rent and are in fact supporting his parents at this point rather than the other way around

In that case stop, you could afford to move out. Which you said in your OP was impossible. 🤔

Your story makes no sense. Surely no one would choose to live in a smoke filled house, with a 5 year old, and then get pregnant?

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2020 13:44

Isn't your son 5? I'd be interested to know how he has already managed to be expelled from one school, but I would 100% rather pull him out of his school at this young age than have him living in a house with smoke in it. Surely his health is the priority?

Original poster

Simonex · 03/03/2020 13:54

When I said moving out isn’t actually possible, I mean it is possible but she’s knows it will be hard for us and we’ll struggle all because she won’t walk 3 minutes down the stairs to the back of the house.

Like I said, we support them financially. We pay way too much for rent.
(They don’t even pay rent for the house. If I wasn’t here and it was just their son that moved out they would be screwed which I think why my partner is reluctant to move.)
So yeah we pay rent, buy our own food, top up the electric, obviously clean up after ourselves, make sure my child isn’t in their space too much yet every other week their grandchild stays over for two night and we end up looking after her 90% of the time. So it’s not like we’re in their house doing nothing. So to ask her to not smoke two+ cigarettes every morning (as in literally roll over and light it) and at night before sleeping (rather than smoking outside when you’re downstairs sat right next to the door literally 5 minutes before) i don’t think is me being unreasonable.
Again let me point out I DIDNT KNOW she was smoking in her room until a few days ago.

Before we moved in me and my partner spoke to his parents about it and everything was fine as in they agreed to not smoke in the house. We aired out the house weeks prior to moving in. Cleaned the carpets, the walls, everything we could. They even got new sofas earlier then they planned to help get rid of the smell. Which apparently was all pointless because the mum lied.

aSofaNearYou I didn’t say he was expelled. We moved area (out of this old school catchment area) so he had to start a new school.

OP posts:

Kimbaland · 03/03/2020 13:55

You said you've lived there for 10 months and are 5 months pregnant so are now telling a few porky pies aren't you

Original poster

Simonex · 03/03/2020 13:57

Actually I'm 4 months pregnant. What did I lie about?

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2020 14:06

Sorry totally misread your post, but still I would definitely prioritise his health over staying at the same school. If you could get by comfortably in a cheaper area, would that not be infinitely better for both children and the whole family rather than scraping to get by with no savings just to keep him in a school he's only been in for a few months? It would be much better to move now than when he is older and well established there.

I really can't see why you would even want to live there, smoking aside, from your last update. It is already draining your resources and is totally ruining your quality of life.

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