Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smoking in the house

101 replies

Simonex · 03/03/2020 11:44

AIBU to ask partners parents to stop smoking in their home for the sake of my children?

Ive lived in their house for 10 months now and smoking had been an issue from day one. I have a 5 years old from a previous relationship and now 4 months pregnant. I think smoking in the house is unacceptable in general but with kids in the house it's even worse.

My partners parents have a different view, 'it's their house they can do what they want. They've been smoking in the house for 20+ years so who am I to tell them to stop'. Which I get BUT when it involves kids in my eyes it's becomes a different situation.

I thought I managed to get them to agree to smoking in the conservatory as they refused to go outside (still not good but small victories I guess), which I thought had happened since day one. Come to find out a few days ago the mum has been smoking in her room in the morning and night since I moved in. Not one or two here and there but multiple cigarettes daily. I was convinced I was constantly smelling fresh cigarette smoke, my partner didn't so thought I was being extra but turns out I was right.

Anyway asked her to stop or we're gonna have to figure out some way to move out which isn't actually possible and she knows this. (I only moved into partners house as I had no choice as my parents decided to sell the house I was living in prior to moving in with them.) She thought about it and said no she's not going to stop.

So now I'm stressing myself out trying to figure out what I can do to get my kids out this house. Would have never moved in if I knew the mum would continue to smoke in the house. I mean I would've been homeless but at least I could've tried the council in my own area but now seeing as I've moved, the council won't help me as I've haven't lived in the area long enough. Plus there's more needy people than me anyway.

So as I said AIBU to ask partners parents to stop smoking in their home for the sake of my children? And is my partners mum saying no her being unreadable?

OP posts:
ReginaPhalangee · 03/03/2020 17:04

If someone was smoking in my house, I'd know it instantly.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/03/2020 17:06

You need to stop worrying about how your inlaws will cope without your rent money and start worrying about your child's health. It doesn't matter that you didn't know she was smoking in her room before, you do now. Imagine being your child at school, stinking of fags. Not exactly going to help them make friends is it?

Pippa12 · 03/03/2020 17:09

Like it or lump it I’d say, YABU asking them to stop smoking in their own home.

I can’t get my head around how you didn’t know she was smoking in her bedroom, did you not notice that upstairs stunk to high heaven yet the smell wasn’t as pungent downstairs?

I find it hard to believe that it’s impossible for you to move out, yet you are paying over the odds in rent, majority of the bills and providing childcare? It doesn’t add up.

YANBU to not want to live in a smoking household, but YABU Dictate to the homeowners and not make plans to move pronto.

InFiveMins · 03/03/2020 17:09

I would do all you can to move out. Whilst it's their house they clearly don't care about the health of their grandchildren.

TheMemoryLingers · 03/03/2020 17:12

I had to read your post twice because I couldn't believe your effrontery.

You have moved into their house bringing your child and you expect them to stop smoking in it to accommodate you? Sorry, but you are an adult - you need to take responsibility for finding your own house, not expect others to put you up and certainly not expect others to change their habits to suit you and your child.

We can afford to move but to a different/cheaper area but that would mean pulling my son out of school which I’m unwilling to do.

So it's OK to put others out, but not for you to be inconvenienced?

I know my words are harsh, but I am honestly shocked by your attitude. However, I hope you manage to get something sorted out, and I wish you the best of luck.

Crazyoldmaurice · 03/03/2020 17:14

Just tell them they either stop smoking in the house or you'll be moving elsewhere, then actually do it.

You don't want to disrupt your kid by moving schools but the alternative is he grows up in a smoke filled house? It's a no brainer really isnt it?

SybilDisobedience · 03/03/2020 17:17

You need to grow up and take responsibility for you and your DC’s lives. And refrain from getting pregnant whilst lodging in other people’s houses. Give the kid a chance for Christ’s sake.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/03/2020 17:21

You did not know she was smoking in the house. Now you know. It’s gross. But she won’t stop. You can’t make her and will only cause yourself stress by fixating on it. Move out as soon as possible.

Queenofheartsnomore · 03/03/2020 17:35

I stopped smoking during my pregnancy. At my.booking appointment I blew 5 on the machine and was smoking 6 a day. The midwife said that was really low for a smoker, almost like she didn't believe me. I was completely stopped by 15 weeks. Really surprised that someone blew a 12 from walking past some smokers.

ChasingRainbows19 · 03/03/2020 17:35

Your partner is reluctant to move? But he is fine with your children being exposed to smoking in the house? You are parents. You both need to take responsibility for YOUR family and children even if it leaves the parents short. I regularly

I was that 80s kid growing up in that environment. Always ill with chest infections and hospital admissions. Guess what never had one since I moved out.

My mum died of smoking related illness. My dad still smokes in his conservatory or outside but the house still reeks, I hate it! when I visit for just a couple of hours. I come home stinking and have to wash and wash my clothes. He doesn't smoke near me or while I'm there.

So you may become a bit nose blind living in that environment but I bet because the house will be ingrained with the smell you all probably smell of smoke too as well as belongings It sticks to everything!

SimonJT · 03/03/2020 17:41

Move out
You said you work shifts so you can move and get your son to school, it’s just a longer journey thats all
Where will the newborn live, or does SIDS not concern you?

I smoke, I would be able to smell if someone had been smoking inside. It’s much easier for non-smokers to smell it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/03/2020 17:46

You could smell the smoke. Where did you think it was coming from?
Move out

Falcor40 · 03/03/2020 18:20

Good lord. Take responsibility for yourself and your kids

Move out. For goodness sake. Your kids health is at huge risk here!

You say you didn’t know she was still smoking

Doesn’t matter. YOU DO NOW!!!! So take responsibility

You say you pay their rent. Tough poop. Move out

You say you pay for everyone. And everything

Take that and MOVE OUT!!

Falcor40 · 03/03/2020 18:21

I’m sorry. But yours sons schooling is less important than his breathing.....

Falcor40 · 03/03/2020 18:24

Or his overall health. Or his life. As is your u born child’s I assume

NailsNeedDoing · 03/03/2020 18:35

Your idea of too much rent and their idea of too much rent are probably two very different things. They are allowing you to live there with a child that’s nothing to do with them, too right you should be paying a decent amount of rent!

Maybe they should have been more honest about the smoking at the start of the arrangement, but they weren’t and they can’t take it back. YWBU to try and stop them smoking in their own home. It with either end up in you being resentful that they said no, them being resentful that they said yes, or it will cause a whole lot of tension because they will continue to smoke but say they aren’t and you won’t be able to prove it either way without a full on row. Your choices are to put up with it, or move out.

RandomLondoner · 03/03/2020 18:36

And then given they don't give a shit about their grandchildren, I wouldn't see them again.

You know smoking is addictive? It's not as though anyone who wants to can easily just stop. When my father was dying, cancer had spread to his brain, and he no longer had the mental capacity to have a conversation, but he still knew he wanted/needed to smoke.

A smoker is never going to give it up because their lodger doesn't like it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/03/2020 18:45

You know smoking is addictive?

You do know it's possible to smoke while also being considerate of other people?

Ohtherewearethen · 03/03/2020 21:25

If they would be in such financial dire straits if you were to move out yet are still unwilling to stop smoking (thus improving their financial situation and everyone's health) then they really aren't going to stop because you demand it, while continuing to pay them to live there. As I said before, foot stamping isn't going to get you anywhere. You are responsible for your son's and your unborn baby's health. Before, you didn't know there was a danger, now you do and so you act upon it to keep your children safe. Moving is inconvenient for everyone yet many people manage it because we have to do what's best for our families. Just demanding they stop smoking is going to achieve shit all. It's up to you, not them, to keep your kids safe.

Falcor40 · 03/03/2020 21:49

@RandomLondoner

You’re right. It is hard to stop

Yet this lady knew all of this and still chose to keep her child and unborn child open to this. She’s hasn’t moved out. She moved in in fact!

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2020 06:31

You can request she not smoke indoors but she certainly doesn't have to agree to it

She has asked. The woman said no. Which is her right. It’s her home.

Op, your comments on how you’d struggle to move out, because she won’t walk a couple of mins to go outside smack of huge entitlement.

You’re homeless. You’re living with your partners parents. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s too much rent, they think it’s too little rent, or we would all think it’s the right amount of rent, the bottom line is you have no home to call your own, are not entitled to your in laws home, or to dictate what happens there.

You and your partner should be focusing on how to become independent.

Your sons only been in school since sept. Pull him out, and move to an area you can afford, and into your own home. It’s time to adult.

Pixxie7 · 04/03/2020 06:43

You need to give them credit for only smoking in certain rooms, smoking is highly addictive and they may well be finding you all living there stressful.
Instead of criticising them I think you should try and be a bit more understanding.

JRUIN · 04/03/2020 12:37

How much rent do you pay the in-laws OP?

Cinders29 · 04/03/2020 12:54

I had same prob with in laws. We don't actually live with them but they would smoke around the kids when we visited and it used to piss me off. In the end I said I was bringing the kids round. In the end they built a smoking shed 😂 and now smoke in there and we're all happy.

It's hard to tell someone to stop smoking in their own home but I would basically be like ... you stop or the kids don't come round ( when we move , which we will be soon - and you should be doing ASAP )

AnotherMurkyDay · 04/03/2020 12:58

I didn't know you could blow over 10 I've never blown more than a 7 and that was before I quit and in a highly polluted area.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread