AIBU to say ILs will have to wait for summer to see DC

[randomsabreuse]

My ILs had agreed to look after the DC for me to do some volunteering this weekend.

They have decided instead to self isolate because Corona. We have no cases in our county and don't know anyone who went out of the UK at half term...

AIBU to say that they therefore will need to wait until 14 days after the summer holidays have started to see the DC (Easter holidays are too short) because clearly DC won't be any safer between now and then...

I bloody hate letting people down with minimal notice!

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

Not the most rational response to the current situation is it!

My prediction is that Covid19 becomes endemic (like other corona viruses and flu) and like seasonal flu the levels will reduce somewhat in summer months (or more morbidly once it has picked off those most vulnerable to it).

DC1's classroom is clearly a bit of a plague pit - the entire class have had chicken pox, coughs and colds are everywhere and DC has had 3 vomiting bugs since September. Despite my best efforts her brother also acquires many of these germs - because she is in his face a lot...

She is also quite in the face of her grandparents.

So the only logical approach is to wait until she finishes school for the summer, and spend a week or so doing wholesome outdoor activities rather than visiting soft play and busy indoor attractions (not that much of a hardship if the weather isn't too vile) and hopefully see them then.

The knee-jerk reaction they are having is annoying because

(1) it's premature- isolation is hard and the risk will increase over time and

(2) it's probably no more effective than judicious choice of activities and companions in combination with good hygiene practices, which would be way more sustainable than hiding in their house!

@PineappleDanish

I'd probably cancel a planned cruise for our family (No major risk factors but don't fancy quarantine plus risk of bringing something nasty home).

Would think long and hard about flying (always get lurgies on flights) and would probably even plan any skiing to be at a drag lift heavy resort (Scotland rather than Austria!) as crowded gondola lifts strike me as perfect germ transmission opportunities and it looks like many of the UK cases are linked to people who were skiing!

I wish my bloody ILs would self-isolate until it’s over...

@Winterwoollies

More generally seems like a few people on this thread don't fully understand.

ILs seem a bit OTT to fully isolate. By the summer maybe it will all have blown over, maybe not. If it hasn't then I think OPs logic stands, let the kids have 2 weeks self isolated at home before seeing grandparents. If they want to see them sooner then that, then they are definitely being cheekily flexible with their own rules.

Everyone is acting frankly hysterical, when did we stop being so British about things?

@Winterwoollies same .

"AIBU to say that they therefore will need to wait until 14 days after the summer holidays have started to see the DC (Easter holidays are too short) because clearly DC won't be any safer between now and then..."

"They're planning on self isolating until it is over. On line shopping, not going to church etc."

Sounds like you won't have to say anything to them at all, since they may well be self-isolating still! YANBU. They're being illogical and depriving themselves of their grandchildren.

DH can't look after them. He's on call from 9am Friday to 5pm Monday. He might be around some, but he might not. Paying childcare to volunteer is not an option - not in expenses policy and we don't have that much space in the budget.

DH is supportive. Hence moving from rural backwater to big city so we can actually find childcare which would allow me to get a job. His job pays well above average but his working pattern is difficult to work around and pay wouldn't cover a nanny and space for them to live in/stay in for the period I need to reskill/retrain.

@Winterwoollies I can empathise with this sentiment too!

Brief visits by me allowing longer visits by the kids is the pattern that has evolved to work best for us!

It was nice knowing they were there as back up when I find long periods with the kids too much (4 yo is feisty, defiant and fast but way better behaved for them) so it's hard to realise that if it gets tough the buck starts and stops with us.

If they want to isolate that is their business. It is annoying that you have been let down but YABU to say they are banned until Summer. It is totally unnecessary. They are obviously scared for whatever reason. Maybe they have heard of someone local with it or they feel fragile. They might relax after a few weeks isolation. You are moving further away and don't seem too concerned so let them be.

I can't change them, so no point getting involved. Shame for DC though.

After Easter we probably won't be able to have them to stay and will struggle to visit them around school.

This weekend was my weekend off from decluttering ready for the move (get little done with DC around). Until we moved have no more free weekends. They had offered to have DC1 while DH got started at work and I got unpacked (DC2 is still containable).

Shame they miss out on seeing DC but their decision.

I'm not sure where all of you received your vast medical expertise, but the good medical professionals at the CDC are in fact telling seniors to isolate themselves.

'Stay home and avoid face-to-face contact': CDC issues warning for elderly people as coronavirus spreads

But this isn't about the health and well being of the ILs, is it? This is just cold, cruel petty revenge because you're disappointed. I'm very glad you're moving away from them. For their sake. They don't need a DIL that will put their lives in danger, and then use your kids as pawns to seek revenge when they dare to decline. I pity your kids.

I've read some messed up things on Mumsnet, but this really takes the cake. Just shameful.

Did you mean to reduce the lives of the elderly to garden centres? Nasty!

Eh? I am merely paraphrasing the OP. It’s called being facetious. Do read the thread before throwing out accusations of “nasty”.

Yes, I have also heard on the radio that they are encouraging vulnerable people, which includes the elderly, to self isolate to avoid contact. The idea is to try and delay outbreaks until later in the year, by which time the warmer temperatures ought to 'kill' off the virus and also reduce the strain on the healthcare system that is normally associated with winter (more people are ill in the winter, not just with flu but with other conditions too).
You seem to hold your ILs in contempt and it feels like you are trying to punish them from not providing childcare on this occasion.
Be kind and accept them for who they are, presumably they have their foibles but are otherwise good grandparents?

Not punishing them at all. Just fact of life. This was the last realistic opportunity for a visit before the Easter Holidays.

Long term, it's very simple, they are not reliable enough for "childcare" and anyway it is clearly too much of an imposition, therefore there will be no "passing through" visits by me in future because I will not be passing through on the way to events, because I will not be doing those events unless DH is not working that weekend. The weekends they "could" see the kids have reduced by 25% as a direct result as DH needs not to be working (he works 1 in 4 weekends).

I will not stop DH planning family visits to them when they emerge. Nor will I prevent them from visiting us. All that will change will be opportunities (much requested up to this point) to have the kids to themselves will not arise as a result of my plans, because I will not be making plans.

We have 3 weekends before we move - which will be rather busy with packing stuff.

After we've moved the journey time becomes difficult for a weekend away with DC, especially if we have to wait for DH to finish work... We therefore need a school holiday- which at best will be summer half term or the summer holidays.

Or of course school closures would give an opportunity, but that would hardly be a responsible choice.

Neither have pre existing respiratory issues, so seeing DC now, when there are few fewer cases, most of which are linked to Iran, Italy and the Far East, circulating than there will be before the summer would seem to be less of a risk than seeing us later in the year.

They are allowed to make their choice, I will simply point out their lack of logic if they do change their minds at the height of the outbreak, and leave visit facilitation duties to my DH...

How am I punishing them?

When they are available I will not block any plans to see them...

Unless of course there are cases within our social circle.

The only thing in my control is whether or not I choose to do my little volunteering on a weekend when my DH is working and so, as a family we would not normally be travelling to see relatives.

By accepting that my life does have to revolve entirely around my DH's work (he did this job when we married and when we decided to have kids, I thought I'd cope as a SAHM, yada yada yada) I remove the problem.

The fact that they therefore miss out on a couple of opportunities to spend alone time with their grandkids (so often craved by parents of adult sons) is not punishment, just me accepting my position as slave to another person's job!

How am I punishing them?
My reading of your op was that they were due to babysit this weekend but have cancelled. You would ordinarily see them at Easter but now you are saying that they will have to wait until two weeks after the kids break up for Summer. So what you are saying is 'either babysit this weekend or you can't see them for 6 months'. That's punishing them. Had you said 'AIBU to not rely on PIL for childcare?' it would be different.

It’s quite cruel to do that. So many people are frightened of catching corona virus. Especially being a bit older, as they will be. Just fume quietly but don’t not let them see their grandchildren for so long.

I’d be pissed off too. And it’s hard when you’ve made plans and are looking forward to something

This thread demonstrates why this country is going to be screwed, oh it’s not as bad as flu, of all you need to do is stop getting the bus or mixing with crowds and you’ll be fine

People seem to want it 2 ways.

I agree corona is dangerous for them.

My point is purely that the situation now is probably the least dangerous it will be for the next 4-6 months!

How is a visit now (for the purpose of baby sitting) when there are 90 cases in the UK none of which are in our locality more inappropriate than a social family visit during the Easter holidays when I would expect corona to be absolutely everywhere with say 1000 cases across the UK?

Kids are 4 and 1, primary source of germs is 4 year old's school (We are avoiding soft play after several unpleasant vomiting bugs following visits). Risk that DC have been exposed to particular germ does not decrease until (a) germ is not circulating or (b) DC is not at school. Which happens in the summer holidays (Easter holidays are too short due to area change).

Kids will be allowed to see them when they emerge, but not if I consider our risk of bringing the virus to them to be too severe (e.g. case in DC school or our immediate vicinity, 6 hour journey on a crowded train...) This isn't punishment, just practicality.

Yes I would probably ask very pointedly why they think the situation at Easter is any safer than it was at the point they decided to hide away, and would definitely challenge any illogical assertions - again, is this really punishment?

When DH was on chemo we only say school age DC in the middle of/at the end of holidays to minimise the risk of germs from school.