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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say ILs will have to wait for summer to see DC

121 replies

randomsabreuse · 03/03/2020 10:48

My ILs had agreed to look after the DC for me to do some volunteering this weekend.

They have decided instead to self isolate because Corona. We have no cases in our county and don't know anyone who went out of the UK at half term...

AIBU to say that they therefore will need to wait until 14 days after the summer holidays have started to see the DC (Easter holidays are too short) because clearly DC won't be any safer between now and then...

I bloody hate letting people down with minimal notice!

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 03/03/2020 11:59

It sounds like they are scared (and stupid) OP. I can see it would be tempting to reflect back and, in effect, punish them but it might be helpful to try and be more adult than them.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 03/03/2020 12:02

We have no cases in our county

That you know of... look at the map of the known cases, it's in the UK now. No going back.

It's a good thing not everyone goes into hiding or we'll be screwed, but YABU to dismiss their fear. They must have read everywhere that they are pretty much the only category at risk! Might sound silly to you or me, but you are just interested by free childcare, it's not nice.

They might be just as scared to catch it from you than from the kids...

Morred · 03/03/2020 12:06

If you want to be more passive aggressive, don't 'ban' them now but make sure that every time they mention visiting/seeing grandchildren you're very careful about making sure they're informed about that kid at school who's been off for a week, or DC1's sniffles, etc. That should mean you won't have to see them for a while.

1forsorrow · 03/03/2020 12:09

I woke up yesterday thinking my kids are at risk, all live in big cities, but in a small rural town we didn't have any worries. Then I heard the local school that I had spent time at last week with a GC had closed, one pupil confirmed with the virus. My husband is mid 70s and has health problems so we are limiting contact with the outside world. I've been shopping this morning, picked up a prescription, posted a parcel but I'm not planning on eating out, going to the cinema, having GC to stay. Maybe I'm being too cautious but when you are old and vulnerable the world can look a bit different.

If you have children at school, need to go to work you haven't got much choice, as a retired person in the vulnerable group I do have a choice and maybe they feel the same.

Original poster

randomsabreuse · 03/03/2020 12:15

I accept I am being unreasonable in my irritation.

However the consequences of the decision are more practicalities than strops.

We currently live 2-3 hours away from them. Moving further away to a much more transient and cosmopolitan area.

Effectively this weekend and Easter were the last "planned" opportunities to see them before the summer and I'm not about to make plans that will probably fall through especially when the objective risk would be higher than when they cancelled!

OP posts:

YouForgetYourself · 03/03/2020 12:19

They are being irrational and letting you and your DC down at short notice in the process. I'm not surprised you are annoyed!

Presumably if they are self-isolating now when there is no specific risk they have been exposed to, they plan to continue to do so until coronavirus is no longer a threat to the public generally? Surely that will be months - do they really plan to stay inside that entire time?

InDubiousBattle · 03/03/2020 12:21

I imagine you'll find that they stay in for two weeks, consider themselves self isolated enough to return to normal and be eager to see the grandkids at Easter.

SafferUpNorth · 03/03/2020 12:22

Sounds like you just need to try and have sensible, gentle conversation with them about the logical consequences of their decision, the practicalities (ie you moving house) and that their decision will probably mean they won't see their GC until end July.

Put the irritation to one side - it's not you banning them from seeing the kids.... it's the logical outcome of their decision.

RocketFire · 03/03/2020 12:24

sounds like they aren't that bothered about seeing your dc anyway so a bit pointless telling them they cant see them

Appletreehouse · 03/03/2020 12:30

Yabu my elderly parents are very concerned about Corona virus and along with many of their friends are opting to change their routine and avoiding built up places and public transport and even my mum didn't go to hospital with my dad for his regular consultant appointment last week as she is worried about being in a hospital environment and catching it.

I know it's irrational.. but with the media coverage, their underlying illnesses and the fact several close friends have died in recent months from complications of what started out as fairly common illnesses, I am sympathetic and whilst I try to reassure them, I appreciate their thought process. It's really annoying for your plans, but I would be concerned they're isolating themselves and try to talk to them once you've got over the disappointment. Lots of people are feeling unsettled and uncertain how to react. Don't punish them or your children for their reaction.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/03/2020 12:38

Self isolating for no reason is ridiculous. They could leave the house in two weeks and walk behind someone who has it. Do they think it will magically have disappeared after their self isolation period is over?

Cheeseontoast4 · 03/03/2020 12:40

I was due to visit my elderly parents 5 hours away this weekend - we’ve been under pressure to take the GCs to see them for weeks . Not seen them since December .

I’ve now had a call to say that if we’re tired or unwell then no need to visit ! There was a lot of talk about my husband working at home as a great option - and a comment about whether the children should skip swimming due to the heat effecting germs ! Finally the comment was made that they didn’t want us bringing the Coronavirus down to them . Apparently though whether we come or not is up to us .

So you’ll see your ILs aren’t alone !

I’m currently trying to decide what to do - we don’t have a great relationship - I feel a bit like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/03/2020 12:43

Well if you have respiratory disease you have a 5% chance of dying if you catch it. If you have diabetes that rises to 7% and for cardiovascular issues rises to 10%.

Also more chance of dying if you are old. And presumably if you have more than one issue.

I don't see why more vulnerable people are not worried to be honest. My Mum is 75% with diabetes and I'd happily lock her up for a few months.

curlsnotfrizz · 03/03/2020 12:43

they sound very OTT but your response to in effect punish them for feeling scared is pretty shit and petty.

HoffiCoffi13 · 03/03/2020 12:46

do your little volunteering

Alright, you can stop sneering now. You have no idea whether the OP’s volunteering is ‘little’ or not, as she hasn’t said what it is. Either way, it is not great to let people down.
I see where you’re coming from OP... if the risk is too great for them to see the children now then it will be too great to see them at Easter (and indeed in the summer unless the children are completely isolated for the 2 weeks after school finishes). You may find they stay away at Easter anyway, if they’re so neurotic.

Umberta · 03/03/2020 12:50

I imagine you'll find that they stay in for two weeks, consider themselves self isolated enough to return to normal and be eager to see the grandkids at Easter.
Lolz. But in any case, yes I actually would be tempted to "punish" them for letting me and my kids down with their neuroticism, and no I don't think it would harm the DC to stay low contact with such addle-headed DGP. They don't actually have dementia, do they? They're just ignorant alarmist tabloid readers? I wouldn't want that kind of influence on my kids. Who knows what panic they'd instil in my kids. Next thing you know it'll be that 5G causes cancer, wind turbines cause hurricanes etc and you'll spend the journey home carefully dismantling all their misinformation for your poor confused kids. Not worth it

Original poster

randomsabreuse · 03/03/2020 12:53

DH can talk to them. They're not great at logic when it doesn't suit them (still anti MMR).

They are generally keen to see DC. Like disappointed we went away as a family at half term rather than sending DC1 to stay keen. I'm just relieved I hadn't told DC1 of the plan yet so she won't be too disappointed.

It's not really a punishment, just a natural reduction of opportunities as a result of unreliability.

I won't be going out of my way to visit them - DH can plan stuff if he wants.

Would people be saying IABU if my post had been "We were going to visit the ILs for the weekend"? I doubt it...

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/03/2020 12:55

So what level of risk do you consider it acceptable to self isolate for Umberta? Genuinely interested. Or do you deem the elderly and sick to be disposeable anyway?

saraclara · 03/03/2020 13:00

I can see why elderly people are worrying. They after all, are the most at risk from this.

How old are the PILs, OP?

Umberta · 03/03/2020 13:04

@tinkylittlelaugh
I expect educated adults to inform themselves of the official guidance. Which is currently to go about your ordinary business, with extra handwashing, sneezing into disposable tissues etc. This information is freely and widely available so no excuses not to find it. I was in hong kong during SARS, which was definitely worse than this coronavirus is here RN (not worse than in wuhan rn). We did not cancel last minute on family members who had no symptoms. We disinfected everything, wore facemasks, there was hand sanitizer available everywhere like in tube stations, no touching your face etc. Those measures worked. SARS died down. We followed guidance. We didn't make up our own precautions because we knew we weren't medical experts, so we followed official instructions instead. That's why I have little sympathy for people who don't, especially when it inconveniences others.

TalaxuArmiuna · 03/03/2020 13:05

I think your ILs are confused about what "Self Isolating" means - it is putting yourself in quarantine for a set amount of time to find out whether you get ill, in case you are infectious. If you are healthy at the end of that time then you go about your business as normal.

It is not hiding away from all kinds of possible interaction with other humans to protect yourself against potential infection. That is being a crazy hermit.

You are quite right that if they are worried about being infected by your children, what they need is for the children to be isolated/quarantined for 2 weeks immediately prior to them seeing their grandchildren - that means 2 weeks at home seeing nobody and not doing any activities outside the home, and no visitors. If you and DP intend to hug or kiss your children during that time you would both need also to be equally isolated - if either of you need to go out to work you will need to never be in the same room as those in isolation and do a thorough decontamination clean (wearing protective gear) of any facilities (kitchen/bathroom) that have to be shared, in between any use by isolated and non-isolated household members. I would not be willing to do that to my kids just for the privilege of seeing their grandparents so sounds like it will be a Skype-only relationship from now on.

Unless they are capable of following normal hygiene practices, regular handwashing etc. Then they can just go about their normal lives with minor adjustments.

RaininSummer · 03/03/2020 13:05

If you know you are vulnerable and you don't have to go to work etc, I can kind of understand their thinking. It seems a little early but what's the harm really. I know my Mum feels like this and she is 80.

The OP is being vindictive I think in return for not having her babysitters. i imagine they are thinking just isolate from everybody who may have the potential to infect them.

Umberta · 03/03/2020 13:06

It is not hiding away from all kinds of possible interaction with other humans to protect yourself against potential infection. That is being a crazy hermit.
Strongly agree with this!

ChicCroissant · 03/03/2020 13:07

It's the withholding of the grandchildren from the in-laws that is the issue OP, not the purpose of the visit. The in-laws haven't mentioned Easter yet just this weekend but you've decided that you are not going now.
Is this a one-off? If so, 'unreliable' is a bit of a strong term, things happen, plans change. Yes it's irritating, but it doesn't seem worth starting a battle about this as it's such a small issue!

NameChangedBeta · 03/03/2020 13:08

I get that you are disappointed, but people can have good reason to be anxious about their health. You may not know what underlying diseases they may have that make them vulnerable.
I also think if you are relying on ILs for babysitting, you need to accept that arrangements can fall through at short notice, e.g. one of them could have a fall and break a bone. If you need cast-iron arrangements best to opt for paid childcare.
Is there no way your DH can't look after the kids?

This may all blow other in a few weeks' time, or we may see a sudden spike in cases, so it makes sense that those who can should try to avoid busy places, public transport etc. for a few days. The NHS doesn't need to be under more pressure at the moment.

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