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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keep DS 4 off school on World Book Day

97 replies

boymum9 · 02/03/2020 16:18

Just wanted peoples opinions.
Ds 4 is in reception, they have to dress up in a costume for world book day on Friday and he's really upset about it. School have suggested that he is potentially on the autistic spectrum (something we've always wondered but never investigated because doesn't effect him really day to day, it's more to do with learning and repetitive things, obsession with numbers, advanced academically but no issues with social interactions)
Doing things out of the ordinary really upset him, and he's very upset about having to dress up, scared, embarrassed, doesn't want to be dressed up in front of people, he's always been happy to dress up at home but never been a boy that would ever wear a dress up outfit out of the house.
I was planning on speaking to his teacher and discussing it with her, but I'm reluctant to send him in in uniform because everyone will be dressed up and then he'll realise he's standing out more, AIBU to just keep him off school and say he's ill?

OP posts:
Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 16:21

YABU not to have potential autism investigated.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2020 16:21

Speak to the teacher. He won't be missing much.

A possibility is making him a character that doesn't need fancy dress, or just his uniform tweaked.

1066vegan · 02/03/2020 16:22

I'd keep him off and I say that as a primary school teacher. Read him lots of stories as it's WBD.

It's up to you whether you phone in sick or explain the reason. But don't ask him to lie for you because children find that tricky and it's a bad precedent to set.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/03/2020 16:22

Send him in ordinary clothes - would he mind that? He could be Charlie bucket or George from marvellous medicine

roseelizabeth · 02/03/2020 16:22

My daughter isn't autistic but absolutely hates dressing up. WBD is a nightmare for her. So I'm not keeping her off, I'm just going to send her in non-uniform. Many kids will be in football kits anyway, and some kids are wearing onesies, so I don't see what the difference is really.

opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 16:23

My son hates dressing up. Y3 now and he's never worn a costume for world book day ever. He's NT and I appreciate that your boy's possible ASC might make things more difficult but, honestly, just send him in his school uniform. It will be a nice day and a shame to miss out.

It's not actually that unusual not to want to dress up. Loads of kids hate it and I bet there are parents cajoling their children into outfits. Both schools my son's been to (infant and junior) are really keen to stress that dressing up is optional.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2020 16:23

I also agree that it's worth getting a diagnosis. It isn't effectiving him now, but may do, especially if he can't cope with change.

It also helps a person to understand why they think like they do.

KLS02 · 02/03/2020 16:23

yanbu to keep him off but I would get his possible autism investigated

yatapina · 02/03/2020 16:23

My DS also has Autism and DD (7) is dressing up for the first time this year as she's always been nervous of people in costume.

They've always just worn normal clothes as our school does dress up or dress down for WBD, maybe yours will do the same?

tryingtoloseweightnow · 02/03/2020 16:24

Just send him in his own clothes.

SlayingDragons · 02/03/2020 16:24

Can you choose a school pupil character from a book, or a kid who just wears regular clothes so no need for a costume as such

TheDailyCarbuncle · 02/03/2020 16:25

I think if you're at the point of keeping him off school to cope with his anxiety about something relatively simple like wearing a costume for WBD then you'll need to seriously think about whether he needs some extra help/intervention.

He is very young so he may just grow out of this anxiety, but what you don't want is for every new thing (and there are a lot of new things at school) to result in a refusal to go to school/an expectation that he'll stay at home.

It'd be great if you could work through the anxiety with him so he goes in and finds he has a good time after all. See what the teacher says, she might have some good ideas.

CodenameVillanelle · 02/03/2020 16:25

Kids don't have to dress up. Or he could go as a character that wears normal clothes. Don't keep him off; possible ASC acknowledged, but there will be lots of days that are out of the ordinary, and you need to find a solution that means he can attend with minimal anxiety. He absolutely doesn't have to wear a costume.

opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 16:25

BTW, if school is suggesting that your son might have ASC, then I think it might help to explore this more.

goldie04 · 02/03/2020 16:25

My DS is 5 and being assessed for autism. He doesn't want to dress up either so I'm just sending him in his own clothes

my2bundles · 02/03/2020 16:25

I would be taking him.to the GP and and asking for a referral with the schools support. You say he has no problem with social interactions but that is only part off a diagnosis plus your description 8nsignificant tne OP is a red flag that he actually does struggle with it. Please for your boys sake ask for a referral, a diagnosis will help him in the long run, he won't be an adorable 4 year old forever he will need real support.

Dahlietta · 02/03/2020 16:26

Are you sure he would mind being there in his uniform? Mine has always hated dressing up and has always just gone in in his uniform. He doesn't care. He's doing the same on Thursday!

hauntedvagina · 02/03/2020 16:28

My son hates dressing up, aim for a character who just wears 'normal' clothes and maybe has an accessory (I seem to remember Harry and his bucket full of dinosaurs being a good one).

You can't keep him off school every time he may be doing an activity outside of the normal timetable, this will happen a lot with trips, plays, parent days, I could go on. You absolutely should start the ball rolling for an assessment of your school also think there is an issue.

Original poster
boymum9 · 02/03/2020 16:28

I've said about sending him in in his own clothes or in uniform and that upsets him just as much.
I will get potential autism investigated, never have before when we thought it because we just thought we were over thinking certain behaviours as it's only tiny tiny things we noticed, and speaking to friends with autistic children they dismissed out concerned, so until his teacher mentioned it in a light hearted kind of way, for example "we have wondered if he is potentially very slightly on the autistic spectrum with things we've noticed such a repetitive behaviour, counting, memory, but socially he shows absolutely no signs, so we don't think it's anything you need to worry about" kind of thing

OP posts:
my2bundles · 02/03/2020 16:32

It's up to you but a teacher wouldn't mention concerns without good reason.

RosiePoseyPanda · 02/03/2020 16:32

Do Harry Potter. They all just wear school uniform anyway. You could get a Harry Potter scarf if he’ll wear it.

Notmorenurofen · 02/03/2020 16:38

My 4 year old is similar. He is going in ordinary clothes (or maybe school uniform if he decides that’s easier on the day) and will have a bucket full of dinosaurs with him if he chooses to join in.

Sometimes he takes a costume in a bag and the teacher lets him talk about it when the others show off theirs.

These days come up all the time and I think it’s best if you can find a way for your DS to participate in a way he is comfortable with.

PumpkinP · 02/03/2020 16:39

Are you going to do it every year though? Personally I would still send him but in uniform (trust me he won’t be the only one) or his own clothes. And I say that as a mum to 2 with asd.

Sirzy · 02/03/2020 16:43

I wouldn’t default to keeping him off now, look at some social stories discuss things with him to help prepare him.

Ds is 10 and autistic he doesn’t like dress up days or even none uniform days so he doesn’t take part he just goes in in uniform as to him school = uniform.

School know he doesn’t like dress up days and staff who work with him always keep their costumes and particularly make up very tame to help him. They also know he may be more anxious than normal so are prepared for that.

Frazzledbutcalm · 02/03/2020 16:45

I have a child with asd ... I would keep your dc off school. I’ve learned the hard way that having to fit in and conform is not always in the best interests of the child. I would do so much different now, now that I know what I do.

But you definitely NEED to your ds assessed for asd.

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