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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keep DS 4 off school on World Book Day

97 replies

boymum9 · 02/03/2020 16:18

Just wanted peoples opinions.
Ds 4 is in reception, they have to dress up in a costume for world book day on Friday and he's really upset about it. School have suggested that he is potentially on the autistic spectrum (something we've always wondered but never investigated because doesn't effect him really day to day, it's more to do with learning and repetitive things, obsession with numbers, advanced academically but no issues with social interactions)
Doing things out of the ordinary really upset him, and he's very upset about having to dress up, scared, embarrassed, doesn't want to be dressed up in front of people, he's always been happy to dress up at home but never been a boy that would ever wear a dress up outfit out of the house.
I was planning on speaking to his teacher and discussing it with her, but I'm reluctant to send him in in uniform because everyone will be dressed up and then he'll realise he's standing out more, AIBU to just keep him off school and say he's ill?

OP posts:
nobodyimportant · 02/03/2020 17:32

Send him in uniform with a costume in his bag so that he can put it on if he wants to. Don't keep him off school. You can't pander to anxiety about these things because that just legitimises the anxiety and will ultimately make it worse. I know it's hard but you need to be no-nonsense about it and show him by your attitude that he has nothing to be anxious about. There will be many, many dress-up and non-uniform days throughout primary school. You can't keep him off for them all. And what about the next thing that he gets anxious about? And the next?

A lot of autistic children (and adults) suffer from anxiety, especially over stuff like this. If you think he may be autistic definitely chase it up now. Don't wait until it becomes an issue for him. It can be a long old process and you need to make sure he had support in place before he needs it, not two years after he needs it. I made the mistake of putting it off with me eldest because I thought she seemed ok but actually things just got harder for her as she got older. Better to be ahead. Talk to the school about it in the first instance.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/03/2020 17:38

One of my ds's has asd , the other one probably does. Both hated dressing up when younger and the one with asd hates any sort of change in routine

The run up to Xmas was hell until this year (year 2) with all the changes.

I wouldnt keep him off, there will be more none uniform days, dress up days and school plays etc

Butterfly02 · 02/03/2020 17:42

I have autistic ds whom hates non uniform /dress up days. Doesn't want to wear different clothes than normal (school=uniform), but doesn't want to go in uniform and be different , freaks out about being the only one not in uniform.
Not sending him will mean that you set a presedent (and there will be plenty of dress up days/ non uniform days).
In the past we've done Harry and the bucket full of dinosaurs (jeans and a dinosaur t-shirt), a Thomas the tank top and jeans (was his obsession), in later years he had a diary of the wimpy kid t-shirt (wearing the same every time also helped).
He also had his uniform in his bag so that if he got to school and it was too much he'd change. He's now y11 and has coped well by having a go to routine for each time eg for Christmas jumper day its always a plain red top and jeans.
Maybe look at ways that you can reduce the stress without him missing out. It's important that he learns to manage in the world, this is much harder for a child with asd but putting in strategies will help.
Also discuss with teacher how they can help ds prepare for such days and cope on these days.
I'd also consider having him assessed for asd it won't harm and can only help.

Eyre89 · 02/03/2020 17:44

Would he be more willing to wear his pjs? My sons school do dress up or your favourite pjs for your bedtime story? Is that an option worth checking with him and the school?

Spied · 02/03/2020 17:50

I think it's not going to be good for him in the long run keeping him off on these days.
Could he not just go in whatever he feels comfortable. Possibly put dress-up in his bag in case when he gets there and sees everyone else he changes his mindConfused.
I'd have a chat with his teacher and I'd make an appointment with his G.P to look into a referral.

AJPTaylor · 02/03/2020 17:51

I'd keep him at home..

tryintomovingon · 02/03/2020 17:54

something we've always wondered but never investigated because doesn't effect him really day to day, it's more to do with learning and repetitive things, obsession with numbers, advanced academically but no issues with social interactions

How is this not affecting him day to day when you list all of this?

The school have identified it and at a young age, help your son by getting him tested, it's what's best for him, not you.

tryintomovingon · 02/03/2020 17:55

Doing things out of the ordinary really upset him, and he's very upset about having to dress up, scared, embarrassed

Again, affecting him.......

Moltenpink · 02/03/2020 17:56

It’s probably best to confront this early on, it will be the first of many non uniform days unfortunately.

Does he have a sports team that he loves? DS used to wear his football kit and take a football book in.

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 02/03/2020 17:56

Please get him assessed. For many neurodiverse life gets harder as they go up through school and puberty is a really trying time for both kid and family. You have a chance to get out in front of it now. Take it.

NotMeNoNo · 02/03/2020 17:57

He is so little .
Speak to the teacher and say he will most likely be in uniform or own clothes, it will go without saying she wont draw attention or shame him in any way. Maybe try and give him a line for curious friends "I'm a secret agent" or something.

My son much later diagnosed as ASD would only wear one Batman costume to any dress up event for several years.

PanicAndRun · 02/03/2020 18:00

The issue is it's not just WBD, most schools have several dress up/non uniform days a year, he can't stay home for all of them, plus the more he avoids it the bigger and scarier it will get.

As long as he has options, work with him to find one that's the least upsetting.

I know it's heartbreaking to "force" him especially since he's so little and one day doesn't seem like a big deal. The issue is it's never just one day, it happens every year and it might not be something he just grows out of.

NotMeNoNo · 02/03/2020 18:00

If he really is AS he may be oblivious to whether he stands out, but much more conscious of feeling odd in "wrong" clothes.

PumpkinP · 02/03/2020 18:04

Might as well get him assessed as the waiting list is so long, I've been on the waiting list for d's 7 since August 2018, so no point waiting to get him assessed as the wait is long enough when you do

Worraloadabollox · 02/03/2020 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VenusTiger · 02/03/2020 18:08

The school ABU as WBD is on Thursday.
OP, can he take props as opposed to costume or take costume in a bag and allow him to gradually join in (change at school)?

Witchend · 02/03/2020 18:10

Ds loathed dressing up at school-even wear red or something simple like that. I threatened to send him as the school prospectus in school uniform in year 6-although he wanted to be "the invisible man" and just send a recording of his voice in.
Strangely he'll wear anything on stage including some odd ones like tights without blinking.

Could you tell him that it's a book day when he can wear his own clothes and take a book (and then choose one that he can wear normal clothes for)?

Mimilamore · 02/03/2020 18:19

Call him Danny Champion of the World and he can wear his own clothes

Spanglemum · 02/03/2020 18:20

My son's ASC was diagnosed just before he was 10. He didn't like dressing up. He just wore school uniform and I don't think he noticed that the others weren't. Don't keep him off. Just play it down and send him in uniform or normal clothes. He will have to find ways of managing some of the anxiety. Do get the ASC investigated. It will have more impact as he gets older.

frogsbreath · 02/03/2020 18:24

My ds is autistic, refused to dress up for Roald Dahl day so we quickly got a willy wonka t shirt delivered from amazon and he was happy to wear that instead.

Get potential autism investigated, because it takes years and even high functioning autistic kids (or low support I think I prefer) will struggle more as their peer's social skills improve and theirs don't.

Try and choose a t shirt or jumper book themed with your son, does he have a blue jumper to be Harry and his bucketful of dinosaurs or a Spider-Man jumper? (Comics count).

Or let him wear school uniform, tell teacher he is uncomfortable with this change and they will reassure him he doesn't have to dress up to enjoy the activities but others may want to.

lilmishap · 02/03/2020 18:26

Its not just world book day though is it. Schools have a shedload of these days where they dress up, ours have had India day (no idea why) America day (no idea why) then the charities Red Nose Day, wear your jumper backwards day and all the rest.
Send him as Tim or some other boringly dressed character. He will miss a lot of days otherwise

Doveyouknow · 02/03/2020 18:29

My ds has asd and struggled with dressing up days at school. School = school uniform. We worked out an outfit he really liked (fave joggers n t-shirts) and he wore that rather than a costume for the first few times. Now he will dress up as long as the costume is comfortable for him and actually really likes non uniform days.
Echoing pp there isn't really any such thing as a little bit on the spectrum. You either have asd or you don't. However everyone's strengths and difficulties are different. So my boy doesn't really display repetitive behaviours or have special interests but does really struggle with some social situations.

strawberrylipgloss · 02/03/2020 18:32

Would he feel better if he knew what his friends would be wearing on WBD?
My kids are NT but they were a bit worried about certain costumes because they didn't want their classmates to think that they were weird. One year my son wore is Halloween costume and had a bit of a wobble about whether it was a good choice.
I think you've lucky to avoid a dress up day/mufti day until now. When mine were in primary they had Children in Need, Sports Relief, WBD....

Qasd · 02/03/2020 18:35

You can make anything a book character so I would not keep him off. Send him in school uniform with a catapult and it can be just William or ordinary clothes with a golden ticket in his bag and he is Charlie bucket, once kid just took a video controller in and went as the person controller from the David Baddiel book. Lots of options which I think would be better than missing a days school

InFiveMins · 02/03/2020 18:37

I wouldn't keep him off. I would choose an outfit with him that is as close as possible to a "normal" outfit.

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