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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keep DS 4 off school on World Book Day

97 replies

boymum9 · 02/03/2020 16:18

Just wanted peoples opinions.
Ds 4 is in reception, they have to dress up in a costume for world book day on Friday and he's really upset about it. School have suggested that he is potentially on the autistic spectrum (something we've always wondered but never investigated because doesn't effect him really day to day, it's more to do with learning and repetitive things, obsession with numbers, advanced academically but no issues with social interactions)
Doing things out of the ordinary really upset him, and he's very upset about having to dress up, scared, embarrassed, doesn't want to be dressed up in front of people, he's always been happy to dress up at home but never been a boy that would ever wear a dress up outfit out of the house.
I was planning on speaking to his teacher and discussing it with her, but I'm reluctant to send him in in uniform because everyone will be dressed up and then he'll realise he's standing out more, AIBU to just keep him off school and say he's ill?

OP posts:
opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 16:45

TBF, shit like this gets my goat. I hate dressing up too. It should never ever be mandatory and there should be no implicit pressure either.

opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 16:46

Not sure how encouraging a love of books has morphed into forcing kids into costumes, cake baking, weird activities and some shit to do with potatoes anyway?? Everything is such a big fucking deal these days.

Crunchymum · 02/03/2020 16:47

Send him as a Muggle (non uniform) and get his potential issues investigated.

He is in for a lifetime of events like this. Help him by getting him the support he needs.

Haworthia · 02/03/2020 16:48

I have an autistic boy so I understand the dilemma. Problem is, schools have TONS of non uniform days - I’m surprised you haven’t had one already.

Agreeing with a PP to say it’s very unwise to ignore the autism thing. Just because you don’t think he needs intervention or support in school right now, it doesn’t mean he won’t need it later. And besides, if he’s struggling with the prospect of a non-uniform day to the extent that you’re going to keep him at home, I would (very kindly) suggest that he’s struggling more than you realise.

Illberidingshotgun · 02/03/2020 16:49

My DS has autism and learning disabilities. He is now 11, but for years he hated changes to his school routine, and any kind of dressing up. I used to let him chose if he wanted to go in uniform or dressed up, and if he chose uniform I would send a costume in so he could change into it if he wanted to later in the day.

I don't think you should keep him off, because that won't help him learn to cope with his anxiety around changes to his ordinary routine. He'll just think he can stay off next time, and so on. Speak to his teacher, and work out with her the best way of supporting him. As PPs have suggested - a social story may work really well as well. We have found them very helpful over the years.

opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 16:49

I've said about sending him in in his own clothes or in uniform and that upsets him just as much

Life is full of anxiety-making situations. Keeping him off won't help in the long run. You're just teaching him to avoid things that he finds stressful. So what if he's one of a handful of kids who hasn't dressed up? Encourage him to not worry about other people's validation. He really, really needs to go to school that day. Not going to school (or anything else) because of how he's attired is not a good life lesson.

PumpkinP · 02/03/2020 16:50

It’s isn’t mandatory Confused and we have loads of dress up days at DCs school, are you going to keep them off every one? We have another one after WBD on the 13th!

SpockPaperScissorsLizardRock · 02/03/2020 16:50

Don't keep him off, there will be a million more dress up days to come.

My DS (8) is autistic and will just wear whatever he feels comfortable I on those days. We talk about it first, sometimes he dresses up and sometimes he wears his own clothes.

Isadora2007 · 02/03/2020 16:56

I agree with most- he can’t avoid life and sadly life is stressful. You can’t think he isn’t affected socially when you’re then saying he cannot attend school on a non uniform day. He can be supported to enjoy school on WBD with the guidance of teachers who will know what has worked for other children with difficulties... but avoiding it isn’t going to help in the long run, neither is lying about it.

AluminumMonster · 02/03/2020 16:57

It's only one day so I wouldn't think it's worth distressing your son however you can't do this on a regular basis.

You say you've spoken to friends regarding your concerns but they are not professionals. My 2yo is not yet speaking and every single person in family are saying 'oh, it'll happen etc' but I have an appointment with a specialist to tell me this, or how best to support him.

You're obviously concerned as you've mentioned it in your post so get help and they can tell you how to address situations like this in the future.

TeenPlusTwenties · 02/03/2020 16:58

I'd let him go in wearing whatever he wants, with potentially other stuff in a bag handed over to the teacher.

I wouldn't keep him off.
Why?

Because if he has an 'extreme' negative reaction to WBD that provides you with more evidence for an assessment / diagnosis / EHCP.
Getting assessed or EHCPs seems to be very hard. Avoiding situations where other recognised professionals (i.e. teachers in this case) see the difficulties won't help in the long run

soapboxqueen · 02/03/2020 16:58

As your child is 4, you can just keep him off if you wish to. Though, next year, it will be classed as an unauthorised absence.

Tbh keeping him off isn't a solution since there will be other days just like wbd. It isn't practical to keep him off for all of them.

Obviously discuss with his class teacher what you plan to do. As pp have said you could just send him in uniform, ordinary clothes, find a book that goes with something he will wear, send a costume in to wear if he decides to (I've done this before as my ds wasn't sure until he saw everyone else) or take an object in such as a bear that goes with a story.

I think you should persue investigations for ASD. I know you feel it isn't having a major impact but deciding whether or not to keep him off school because of wbd would suggest something is going on.

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 16:59

Frankly unbelievable that school would suggest your child is “probably” autistic (is anyone on the staff qualified to do that?) or that knowing there’s a potential problem you would just ignore it.
Do you think his issues will resolve themselves?

Cheeseontoast4 · 02/03/2020 17:01

My eldest hated dressing up - I used to send him at that age in home clothes ... if I had an appropriate themed t shirt we used that ... any character would probably do ! -

thaegumathteth · 02/03/2020 17:01

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but WBD is on Thursday not Friday. Just didn't want you turning up with him not expecting it a day early.

Serenschintte · 02/03/2020 17:01

My youngest hated dressing up or would ask for a completely impossible costume.
Could you send him in Any clothes he would like to wear . Then he can be a child who likes to read books or really any character from any fiction book that has a boy in it that wears usual clothes.

Haworthia · 02/03/2020 17:03

Some schools are doing it on Friday. My childrens’ schools are. They prefer to keep the excitement of non uniform days to Fridays.

TeenPlusTwenties · 02/03/2020 17:03

thegum Not all schools do these things on the day, depending on what else is going on.

Lovemusic33 · 02/03/2020 17:05

My dc’s have autism and struggle with this too, we quite often go for the Harry Potter (school uniform with a wand) or horrid Henry (trousers and t-shirt).

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2020 17:10

He doesn't want to dress up

He doesn't want to wear his uniform

He doesn't want to wear his own clothes.

This is going to be a problem every single year of his primary school life, so I really do think you need to get the possible autism looked into.

katy1213 · 02/03/2020 17:14

You don't have to be autistic to hate dressing up and being bludgeoned into joining in.
It's got sod all to do with books, anyway - half of them will come as Disney princesses.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/03/2020 17:18

A possibility is making him a character that doesn't need fancy dress, or just his uniform tweaked.

Send him as "Just William" (or "Molesworth" - "as any fule know"). I know they're outdated but they wear a uniform,

But will he not feel more self-conscious to be he only one not wrapped in an envelope as"Flat Stanley", or with a big key in his back as "Wagstaff the Wind-Up Boy"?

Sooverthemill · 02/03/2020 17:21

Another reason why I hate World Book Day. More stress and anxiety all round

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 02/03/2020 17:25

Send in own clothes. Find a book with an ordinary boy as the main character, stick a name tag on.

My ASD son was ‘Percy Jackson’ more than once (jeans, t shirt, hoody) but that’s a little too old for your boy.

cordelia16 · 02/03/2020 17:29

I understand ... my middle son always hated WBD. Every year he went as Greg from Diary of a Wimpy kid. Just a white t-shirt and black shorts/trousers.

Think it's fine to keep him off this year, as he's still so young. But going forward it will be harder each time bec he will have missed the previous time, thereby building it up into an even bigger deal.

Could you try offering him a special treat at the end of the day? Something that he doesn't normally get? Not a bribe as such, but just something to reward him for being brave.

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