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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who pays for childcare if you are separated

83 replies

ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:17

When my ex and I split, he agreed he would fully support our son and pay for any childcare costs incurred when I returned to work after maternity leave. He is a high earner, whereas I’m not as high - he earns double my wage. I also have 2 other children from a previous marriage so I get no Government support for DS (other than CHB) as he’s my 3rd child, born after 06.04.17. I have to claim UC for my 2 eldest children and also claim childcare costs for them. Their father takes nothing to do with them and does not pay any child support. I haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 years.

I did everything with regards to sorting out childcare for DS as EX couldn’t be bothered, and DS started his nursery just over a month ago. I also had to reduce my working hours to 30 per week as the nursery couldn’t accommodate DS full time and EX wasn’t willing to provide any childcare during the week, so I am losing around £4000 pa from my salary.

The first invoice from the nursery came in last week so I informed him that the fees are to be paid. He’s now saying he’s not paying. I tried to compromise and said I’d pay half and suggested we split DS care 50/50, meaning he would be responsible for DS 2.5 week days and 1 weekend day. I’d do the same. He’s still refusing.

OP posts:
BabyWenger · 02/03/2020 13:21

Have you gone through CMS for maintenance from him?

hannah1992 · 02/03/2020 13:24

Legally he only has to pay you child maintenance.

Lockheart · 02/03/2020 13:25

My partner splits daycare fees with his ex in proportion to their salaries (although they both earn a decent amount so it's broadly 50:50).

milkydare · 02/03/2020 13:25

CMS. It's the only way. Be prepared for him to suddenly want 50% contact.

He's not going to pay. So you need to budget based on CMS and tax free childcare etc, and forget about him.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/03/2020 13:32

Why doesn’t he pay you child support ? Is isn’t unemployed, he has money so why haven’t you bothered claiming it?

You would get 1 payment of child support and you’d take nursery fees out of that. In an ideal world he’d pay 50/50 for nursery on top of child support and I’d very much expect a decent high earning dad to do that but that all depends of the moral of the man.

TheSoapyFrog · 02/03/2020 13:33

I think it's generally expected that whoever is caring for the child at the time, pays for the childcare. So if he was working on a Thursday and Friday for example and these were his days, he would be responsible for finding and paying for childcare, but it doesn't necessarily have to be at the provider you've chosen. But more often than not, the NRP is not expected to pay above and beyond maintenance.
It all feels quite unfair

HunterHearstHelmsley · 02/03/2020 13:36

Can I just checking I'm reading this right?

The two eldest DCs Dad doesn't pay maintenance, the youngest's Dad does?

If so, is he paying the correct amount according to CMS? If he is then unfortunately you can't insist on any more.

Mintjulia · 02/03/2020 13:37

Ex and I pay 50:50. But we both earn a reasonable salary, and ex knows if he doesn’t pay up, I’ll take him to CMS.

If your ex won’t co-operate, you need to go via CMS.

OddBoots · 02/03/2020 13:37

I know it is awkward but it sounds like you need to claim from the CMS from both the fathers, much as we would like to think they would pay reasonable costs without needing to make a formal claim but sadly that's not always the case.

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:37

I want him to have 50% access. I want us to co-parent 50/50.

I have said I will be responsible for DS 2.5 days per week and 1 weekend day. Any ccc incurred on my days I will pay for. I expect him to do the exact same. He basically wants to pay £150 per month in maintenance and nothing else. Nursery fees are £750 a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:39

I have claimed CMS for both fathers. God knows where father 1 is. Father 2 pays £150 a month maintenance.

OP posts:
averythinline · 02/03/2020 13:41

you need to sort CMS for your older two...

I would sort CMS for your younger one whilst you're at it.. unless he is paying significantly more informally??? how often does he have DS ?
if he's not having him at all then he will pay more.... if he has him he needs to sort chidlcare for his time- dont just give him weekends its good for you to have fund time with DS as well.....

curlsnotfrizz · 02/03/2020 13:42

I think it's the parent who has the child on these days.

How many days does DS stay with your ex?

Have you put his income onto the maintainance calculator? 150 a months seems very little for a high earner.

PatriciaHolm · 02/03/2020 13:43

If he's a high earner, then £150 a month can't possibly be the right amount surely? If that based on him having almost 50/50 care already?

And if you do truly 50/50, no CMS is payable at all though.

Sadly that's all he legally has to pay. If he refuses to pay the nursery fees, there isn't anything you can do about it I'm afraid.

rbe78 · 02/03/2020 13:43

If he's a 'high earner', surely he should be paying more than £150 a month maintenance? Does he share his salry details with you each year? Have you checked on the CMS calculator what he should be paying?

BrimfulofSasha · 02/03/2020 13:44

you need to go to CMS. If he is a high earner- which I take to mean higher rate tax- he should pay a lot more than £150 pcm.

You cannot make him take 50/50 responsibility I'm afraid.
I'm not sure how UC works I'm afraid, but can you claim tax free childcare alongside UC for the youngest as youngest isn't on UC claim? I'm sure one of the others on here could advise.

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:44

At the moment he has DS 2 nights per week. Maintenance should be £180 a month as per CSA calf but he only pays £150 as he deducts £30 for petrol costs incurred when he’s collecting DS and bringing him home.

OP posts:
rbe78 · 02/03/2020 13:44

Ha, I see me and the two PPs had the same thought at the same time!

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:45

Yes I know how UC works - I work for DWP. You are correct Brim

OP posts:
curlsnotfrizz · 02/03/2020 13:48

if it's 180 per month he cannot have a high income. Can you say how much he is earning?

Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 13:50

As awful as it is, he only has to legally pay CM and it’s usually not very much money. It’s crap, I know but that’s the law in this country. He doesn’t even have to see the DC if he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t have to pay for any extra costs incurred such as childcare. I know it’s crap and extremely sexist, it’s partly why so many single Mother’s of young children struggle to work.

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:50

I think he earn 35k p/a. I earn 17k now after having to reduce my hours.

OP posts:
Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 13:51

Oh but he can not reduce CM due to petrol costs collecting your DC, he just can’t do that legally. I’d be informing CMS.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 13:53

I am so sorry OP. This is absolutely shit and wankers like him should be sterilised.

You can't make him parent. You can't make him pay what he should.
You've been lumbered with everything.

You only have one option and that's to relinquish your son which I can imagine isn't an option to you.

I wish we had more of an American based system. And I never thought I'd wish for something from America.

HugeAckmansWife · 02/03/2020 13:54

OK well he's clearly not someone with a sense of decency or real commitment to his child. He absolutely should be paying childcare on the two days that the child spends the night with him, they are 'his days'. Legally, you can only get CMS but £180 is low for a 'high earner' and £30 for petrol is ridiculous.. That's a good few hours driving which I'm assuming he doesn't do of he has him x2 a week.