to feel so upset about this? *trigger - child death*

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

I'll try to keep this brief. I'd just like to know if I'm BU to feel sad in this situation.

One of my DC died very suddenly last year in a horrific accident. I will never recover from the trauma of that day, and I am still working on some pretty significant mental health issues as a result. So I don't always know if I'm responding rationally. Which leads me to my actual question...

My Dad posted a photo on Facebook yesterday of all 5 of my step-siblings' children playing together, with a comment saying "5 out of 7 grandchildren". It's a lovely photo, etc, but...

He should have 8 grandchildren. Seeing that comment has devastated me, I can see all the signs of a very bad day ahead now. I feel quite angry with my Dad but I don't know if I should. I still say that I have 3 DC. They will always be my child, even though they are no longer here. AIBU to be affected so badly by this?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would be feeling the same. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

I would be upset too, you’re not being unreasonable.

I’m sorry for your loss

So insensitive.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for you're loss. I think that is extremely insensitive

I can't even imagine how you are feeling OP. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I'd imagine that cut you to the core.

How hurtful. My heart goes out to you

You are not being unreasonable at all, so sorry for the loss of your child

That is very hurtful of him. I am deeply sorry for what you and your family have been through.

Explain to him how this has made you feel. I lost my daughter suddenly last year and have been hurt by comments people have made without thinking. Now I correct people/ explain nicely how their comment has made me feel.

That's so insensitive. He has eight GC, even though one has died.
I'm sorry for your loss Ragamuffin

I would be really cross. Maybe he hasn't come to terms and is trying to block out the pain? Maybe post a photo of your child.

I hope you are getting the support you need for your loss.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Your loss was only last year so you are still relatively newly bereaved.
I'd have a word with your Dad, I'm sure he didn't intend to be so insensitive, and say that his comment upset you as he had 8 grandchildren and next time could he just say 5 of my grandchildren.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Be kind to yourself and accept that there are always going to be bad days. Hopefully, they will come less often and last for shorter periods but I imagine they will never go away entirely.

I wonder if he thought it would hurt you more to remind you? Not that you ever forget, but maybe thought he didn’t want to bring it up? Silly of him, but maybe time to have a chat about it with him?

I’m deeply sorry for your loss

You’re not unreasonable, you’re hurt and grieving. I’m so sorry ❤️

No you're not being overly sensitive. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. That must have been like a punch in the stomach to read.

My dad said something very insensitive after my son died. I was incredibly angry. I don't think I ever raised it with him I just avoided contact with him for a long time. I don't know if that was the healthiest way to deal with it but I think when you are in such extreme trauma you have to do what you can to protect yourself.

Look after yourself OP.

Not unreasonable at all. I can’t imagine the pain of your loss.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, just because your DC has passed away it doesn’t mean they never existed or they are no longer your child. He has 8 grandchildren whether they are all living or not.

You're not unreasonable at all, that must've been a complete gut punch.

What's he like normally? Has he been supportive since your daughter died? Is it possible it was a clumsy way for him not to "remind" you of your daughter's death (as if you'd forget!), or because he hasn't faced up to his own grief?

There's no doubt he got it wrong, but if there's a chance it came from a good place I'd just mention it gently. If you don't think that was the case, mention it more firmly.

YANBU. I am very sorry for your loss. Your Dad did not actually have to mention numbers at all, and if he did then he should have included all his grandchildren, ie 8.

Wow that's just cruel. No other way to describe it but cruel. For me that would actually be enough to cut someone off.

Thanks for your responses. Grief is a difficult landscape to navigate at the best of times, and things like this can really throw me.

Just to add: my Dad is a really lovely man, and has always been incredibly loving and supportive. He will be absolutely mortified if I speak to him about this, to think he's upset me.

I miss my beautiful DC so much. I don't want them to be forgotten.

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. There were 3 GC missing from the photos for differing reasons. My DD died 3 years ago. When FIL died last year his eulogy mentioned his 6 GC (which included DD). It brought a lump in my throat and a tear to my eye but I was glad that she had been included and not forgotten on the day.

It sounds like the kind of thing my dad would do. And be gutted about. Because he definitely wouldn’t mean to.
Can you give him a call or pop in for a cuppa and a hug.

Do you want to talk about your little one? What was their name?

Sending love

I am really sorry for your loss.
It’s not the same situation but my sister died very suddenly about 15 years ago and I sometimes fumble over my answer when asked how many siblings I have. Sometimes I include her and other times I don’t. I find it such a hard thing to comprehend and avoid going into the subject as it’s a horrible story and I’d rather not mention her than find myself cornered into a conversation about it.

Firstly condolences and sending love your way. I can totally see where your coming from, and I believe most of us on here will too. I would speak to your dad, he will understand, sometimes men just dont think the same as us.