to feel so upset about this? *trigger - child death*

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

I'll try to keep this brief. I'd just like to know if I'm BU to feel sad in this situation.

One of my DC died very suddenly last year in a horrific accident. I will never recover from the trauma of that day, and I am still working on some pretty significant mental health issues as a result. So I don't always know if I'm responding rationally. Which leads me to my actual question...

My Dad posted a photo on Facebook yesterday of all 5 of my step-siblings' children playing together, with a comment saying "5 out of 7 grandchildren". It's a lovely photo, etc, but...

He should have 8 grandchildren. Seeing that comment has devastated me, I can see all the signs of a very bad day ahead now. I feel quite angry with my Dad but I don't know if I should. I still say that I have 3 DC. They will always be my child, even though they are no longer here. AIBU to be affected so badly by this?

So sorry for your loss OP.

YANBU, of course. Perhaps you could have a discussion with him.

I understand. I always hesitate before saying how many children I have. Most people don’t even know I had another child so I don’t want to get into a whole story. The rare occasions I can’t avoid it, people don’t know what to say. But it’s hard. It’s been a very long time for me. I can’t say it gets easier but you learn to cope .

So so sorry at the loss of your darling child OP.

Could you send your Dad a simple message, "Please Dad, change it to 5 out of 8 grandchildren."?

Sorry for your loss @RagamuffinAndFidget
I've also lost a child in tragic and upsetting circumstances.
I've had family members refer to my mums 21 grandchildren she had 22.
Also family are quick to say I have one dd, actually I have 2.
It is upsetting but now 4 years on I do correct anyone who makes that comment.

I am so sorry, so truly sorry.

Your father has been thoughtless. Don’t waste your energy on thinking about it. Maybe a text to him, not angry or argumentative.

When did you lose your child? You are so strong and brave

I cannot imagine what you have been through, the comment was probably not thought through, it's so insensitive, i am so so sorry for what life has thrown at you, you are totally not been unreasonable, if you EVER want to talk we are here for you.

Im so sorry. My dad was one of 12 brothers. Only he wasn't, there were 14. Two more children - a girl and a boy - died in babyhood, before the other 12 came along (we're talking almost a century ago now).

It was only when I read my grandfather's memoirs that I saw him speak of 14 children. He lists all 14 and details the lives of the first two. You can feel his pain. Yet my father and his brothers always talked of the 12. I got a jolt when I read that. It matters.

I'm sorry, you poor thing

I think your Dad misses your dc very much and will never forget, but doesn't know how best to get through it all without hurting you more. The best thing, I think, is to choose a clear day and talk to him so you can spend some time grieving, remembering and grieving again together. You will each gain a much greater understanding of each other and he will know much better what to do and say so you don't hurt more.

Talk to him. When people love each other - and you and your Dad sound like you do - the best way to deal with things is to go straightforward.

Thank you everyone. Especially those of you who have shared your DC with me too it is an absolutely disgusting reality to have to exist in.

I am sure my Dad meant absolutely no harm whatsoever, and those who have suggested he was trying to protect me are probably right. This has just really triggered me today and it's made me feel awful.

You're not unreasonable in being upset but I bet your Dad didn't mean to deliberately exclude your child and would be horrified at upsetting you. People cannot know what we feel is appropriate if we do not tell them. Sometimes people just don't do things the war we would wish them to.

I’m sorry you and others on the thread have to live with such an awful reality.

Of course he didn’t mean to bring you so much pain. He either didn’t think or perhaps somehow thought he was being kind.

I do feel you really should talk to him about it, because he wouldn’t want to hurt you similarly in the future.

@Fishcakey you are totally right. I think I will speak to my Dad, although it will be a tough conversation, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being irrational first. It's hard to know when you're deep in the fog of grief, things don't make sense the same way as they used to.

You're not unreasonable at all...I cant begin to imagine.

But is it possible your dad miss counted instead of choosing to miss out your child? 8 is a lot of grand children (clutching at straws...)

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ Clutching at straws, do you think he was trying to not hurt you?

❤️
As you say grief is such a difficult road to navigate. No, you are certainly not being unreasonable. I think your father will be absolutely devastated as well to have caused you such distress
❤️

Yes, I would message him saying, "Dad, it would mean a lot if you changed it to eight grandchildren." That way you get your message across and he gets to feel like he's doing a nice thing, rather than feeling guilty or defensive for doing an insensitive thing.

@SavageBeauty73 I am 100% sure he didn't mean to hurt me. He either did it because he thought it would somehow spare my feelings, or he forgot to include my DC. I think the latter would be worse, for me. I guess I don't know which it is until I speak to him though.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Your father may not have intended to cause harm, but I understand why you are feeling upset. My mother had 6 children, 1 of whom died in infancy. I grew up knowing I had 5 siblings. Whenever people asked my mother, "how many children do you have?", she always firmly replied "six". My sister passed a long time ago, but she is not forgotten, and will always be part of our family.

be gentle with yourself op.this is realy difficult.and these waves im sure will threaten to flatten you for the rest of your days.and that shows what a wonderful mumand dc you had.its shows love.i wouldnt wish your pain on you,but neither would i wish you didnt feel the love you obviously did for your child.that is beyond special if all too too fleeting.

i know you said you d what be upset if he new.buuuuut.i still think you could and should talk to him.if only for support.keeping these waves inside of you will just mean you mental health gets worth.mental health and its healing is key with support.and talking.and getting it out so people can rationalise the catastrophys in your mind.its stops them swirling then eating you up.
you could just say to him what happened and it triggered you today.that not blaming him but it is letting him now how it makes you feel still.and i think hed want to know that.
have a really easy gentle daytoday.
your doing amazingly just to keep breathing on days like today.
and your never alone.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable and I'm also sure your dad, although insensitive, wasn't trying to hurt you either, sometimes people just don't think. But I would mention it to him.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please tell him how you feel about this.
To be honest having never been through this myself I would probably put something like that in the same situation not meaning anything by it. I have read posts like yours in the last couple of years which make you think but before that I wouldn't have known.
I think people don't realise and if they knew they wouldn't do it

So sorry for you loss

I am so, so sorry for you loss. No, you definitely are not being unreasonable. Insensitive and thoughtless of your Dad. Have a chat with him, I'm sure he'll be horrified that he's hurt your feelings in this way but I think he should know.

OP your child sounds like a magical soul! Thanks for sharing them.

My sister died suddenly and young, and I still struggle when people refer to my siblings and me as a three, not a four. I can only imagine how that feels for a bereaved parent.

As others have said, I think it's worth raising it with your dad. If you do it with kindness and when you are not in the midst of anger and hurt, it may open the door to having more of a connection with him over the loss of your child and his grandchild- an opportunity to talk about them and share your sense of loss?

Very sorry for your loss. I don't think that sting of any comments will ever go away. I don't believe your father was being insensitive necessarily though. Maybe just didn't know how to express the situation. I definitely think that if he thought it through, he could've just said "five of my grandchildren" and leave it at that, or made no mention of how many he has at all.

I guess I'm saying that however you feel isn't wrong at all, but don't assume the comment was intended to be hurtful.