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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel so upset about this? trigger - child death

84 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 02/03/2020 10:37

I'll try to keep this brief. I'd just like to know if I'm BU to feel sad in this situation.

One of my DC died very suddenly last year in a horrific accident. I will never recover from the trauma of that day, and I am still working on some pretty significant mental health issues as a result. So I don't always know if I'm responding rationally. Which leads me to my actual question...

My Dad posted a photo on Facebook yesterday of all 5 of my step-siblings' children playing together, with a comment saying "5 out of 7 grandchildren". It's a lovely photo, etc, but...

He should have 8 grandchildren. Seeing that comment has devastated me, I can see all the signs of a very bad day ahead now. I feel quite angry with my Dad but I don't know if I should. I still say that I have 3 DC. They will always be my child, even though they are no longer here. AIBU to be affected so badly by this?

OP posts:

Lillipop87 · 02/03/2020 11:12

Oh op how awful I'm so so sorry for your loss I can't even begin to imagine how painful that must be for you. I think maybe it was just thoughtless on your dad's part. sometimes people don't know the right thing to say/do when it comes to the death of loved ones I think it's entirely possible that your dad didn't want to upset you by mentioning your dc or didn't know how to articulate his own feelings about your dc so instead said nothing which has of course upset you anyway as you feel like he's dismissing your dc. I'm sure this wasn't his intent at all and he prob will be mortified when u bring it up with him but I think you need to because other wise it will eat away at you if you don't tell him how you feel. You are defo not being unreasonable to feel so upset. Hope you are ok. Best wishes sweetheart xx

Original poster

RagamuffinAndFidget · 02/03/2020 11:13

@UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre

Thank you, I love talking about DC, who was the most amazing and hilarious person who ever lived. Beautiful and wild and so loving. They were just at that age where everything they learn is the best thing ever, and Mummy is their very best friend. Preschool was their favourite place in all the world, especially forest school - mud, 'wocks', and climbing trees! I have so many wonderful memories, it just hurts so much that we will never make any more.

OP posts:

MrsTHardy · 02/03/2020 11:13

Sorry for your loss. You are not being unreasonable, you are grieving and understandably feel this way about your DD not wishing to be forgotten. I lost my DS 18years ago. I agree with and understand your comments about how it would hurt your dad to mention it. How would it make you feel also to do so? When you are grieving it’s hard to navigate through people’s ways of acknowledging your grief or the loss, without having strong feelings at times which are bewildering and only add to your distress.

I remember someone telling me how they felt so upset to hear of my loss and this sending me wild with rage - did they really think I cared about how they felt about my son dying? I had to hide away.

People don’t mean to be clumsy or get it wrong intentionally.

The best advice I would give is take care of yourself now and let your feelings about this incident lessen. When you feel able let your loved ones know how it brings you comfort to have your DD acknowledged as part of the family in gatherings, photos etc so they can act in a way that supports this. Let them know you want her to be remembered. They might be pleased to know how you would like them to do this if it helps you in your grief in some way. ❤️

Watermelontea · 02/03/2020 11:14

I’m so sorry OP
YANBU to be upset, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be.
It is probably just a thoughtless mistake, but when you’re feeling up to it maybe mention that it was upsetting.

Andtwomakesix · 02/03/2020 11:16

I totally understand you and would feel the same. COuld it not just be he doesn't really know what to say? He may feel worse saying 5 out of 8 in case that triggers sad memories. Everyone copes a bit differently. I know when my DF died I wanted to talk about him all the time so he wasn't forgotten. It hurt my siblings to talk about him so they didn't. It may upset him too much to acknowledge one of them is no longer here.

NomDeDieu · 02/03/2020 11:19

He will be absolutely mortified if I speak to him about this, to think he's upset me.

I also think he would devastated to learn that you have been hurting about something HE could easily change.
I think you need to talk to him when you feel a less raw. But he needs to know if you want to avoid a situation like this again.

maddening · 02/03/2020 11:21

I think speak to your dad offline, tell him how you feel and for him and all the family, in addition to grief and horror of losing a child in that family, a further impact is that forever more there is also now a need to be sensitive and self censor in that respect. There is always ways to say things that do not trample on the sensitivities around your dc. I am sure he will kick himself when he realises, but let him go through that emotion as it may serve him better in the future so he is more mindful going forward.

So Sorry for your loss 💐

TheOrigBrave · 02/03/2020 11:22

I'm so, so sorry OP.

Could someone else 'innocently' mention it to your Dad so he wouldn't know he'd upset you? I am sure he has not forgotten your darling DC, not for a single moment.

If he's normally lovely then I think it's a generational issue, where people were less willing/able/encouraged to acknowledge those who have died.

ecrit · 02/03/2020 11:24

YANBU.

A friend of mine has three dc and one of them died a couple of days after they were born.

Her mum and Mil always refer to their X amount of grandchildren and include her little boy in this number even though he is no longer here.
i would be sorely tempted to write “you have 8 grandchildren” under the picture

Luunaa · 02/03/2020 11:25

Sending you buckets of love on a hard day. I'm sure your Dad never meant to cause you pain, but nevertheless it's ok to acknowledge that he did.

Your DC sounds wonderful. 'wocks'.

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2020 11:26

Yes I think you need to talk to him about it. He is probably working under the assumption it is easier and helps him but hasnt realised how it makes you feel

lily2403 · 02/03/2020 11:26

Sorry for your loss

I would say something to my dad. I wouldn't let my child be forgotten.

endofthelinefinally · 02/03/2020 11:28

No YANBU.
I have lost a child and the pain and heartbreak will stay with me until I die.
Other people's thoughtlessness/tactlessness magnifies the pain and grief; this is even worse when it is a family member who does it.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 02/03/2020 11:30

Firstly for me it would depend on how old my dc had been when they passed but also I wouldn't blame him, it's mot something a lot of people would think about before posting.

Fact is in his mind there were 7 grandchildren that could of been there that day and as sad as it is that there should have been 8 in his mind the number is 7 but yanbu to be upset that he should have thought about that number a little more :(

timeforawine · 02/03/2020 11:32

OP i am so so sorry for your loss. Do feel free to talk about you wonderful DC to us.
Please do speak to your dad about this so it doesn't happen again.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 02/03/2020 11:32

What I mean by age is.. If newborn then it could be that they arnt used to the extra number. I used to say I had 1 dc until my 2nd was 4 months old and I got used to saying 2 children

sendhelpppppp · 02/03/2020 11:33

i dont think you're being unreasonable at all.

I wouldnt have thought your dad wrote what he did with any malice, but it was very thoughtless. I would have felt very hurt too.

i'm so sorry for your loss op

CaptainCabinets · 02/03/2020 11:35

‘Wocks’ has sent my chin wobbling and my eyes all glassy, bless you OP and thank you for sharing that special memory.

I’m sure your Dad would be mortified to know he’s caused you this much pain, it’s probably one of those ‘Dad’ things that he just didn’t think about at the time, I don’t think for one minute that your little one is ever far from his mind or heart. He’s probably dealing with his own grief in his own way, which may include denial/avoiding the subject of talking about your angel. Maybe he was afraid someone who doesn’t know the family that well would ask ‘who is the 8th?’ and that he’d have to explain. Maybe acknowledging that one is missing is just too painful for him right now. Grief is terrible and affects everyone differently but one thing I am certain of is that your DC was not, and never will be, forgotten.

Angelw · 02/03/2020 11:42

Maybe talk to him, I wonder what he was thinking 🤔. Sorry for your loss

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 11:43

Not unreasonable at all, OP.

Even unintentional actions of others can cut so deep in already raw and open wounds.

adaline · 02/03/2020 11:45

You're not at all unreasonable to be upset I am so so sorry for the loss of your DC.

I do wonder, though, whether your dad just didn't want to remind you unnecessarily.

HisValentine · 02/03/2020 11:49

Sorry for your loss.

YANU to feel that way. I would take it the same.

I think your dad is blocking your child out of his memory, likely because he too is in alot of pain (for himself and on your behalf) and it might be easier to pretend this tragedy didn't exist.

Your dad probably wanted to protect you by not bringing up your child also.

I would speak to him and explain how you feel.

Phillipa12 · 02/03/2020 11:50

Ragamuffin, 6 years ago my dd died suddenly age 3. Last year my sister did exactly what your dad did, i just commented 'think you will find that dad has 11 grandchildren not 10' . She was mortified but tried to brush it under the table with, well you know what i mean, i just told her that a simple apology would have sufficed and not to do it again.
People do sometimes say the wrong thing without even thinking about it, yes it hurts because you think that your precious child has been forgotten, 9 times out of 10 they will also be very distressed that they have hurt you unintentionally. For me i avoid grandchildren get togethers and photos as there is such a gaping Pippa shaped hole, sadly that hole isnt so big for eveyone else......xx

Atalune · 02/03/2020 11:50

Very sorry for your tragic loss. Life is very unfair.

I would speak to your dad, and know that he will be very upset with himself as I am certain as I think you are, he never ever intentioned to exclude your child in that way.

Be open and honest and let him know how important it is to keep your child’s memory alive and well for you and your family.

PixieDustt · 02/03/2020 11:54

So sorry for your loss of your beautiful DC.
It was insensitive and you have every right to feel the way you feel.

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to feel so upset about this? *trigger - child death*

to feel so upset about this? trigger - child death