AIBU - part payment for sofa as birthday present

[Henbird]

So, I am hoping to get new sofas (old ones are 20+ years old and v shabby) and my DP (who I don't live with) has offered to pay for part of the new sofas as my birthday present. I don't want to appear ungrateful but is that a crappy birthday present?? Not that it really has a bearing on things but he earns at least 3 times my salary and previous gifts have included a clock radio and socks. We have been together for 4 years now- again maybe not relevant. AIBU?

Each to their own - I don't like flowers or jewellery and would be over the moon with cash for a sofa!

DH is buying me a watch for my birthday, not a fancy, blingy one but a triathlon watch - I love a practical present .

I completely understand where op is coming from. It's a personality thing. I would rather have a drawing he sketched of me than a new frying pan or MOT.

I would rather go to the park and watch a free production of that play he knows I like than a full kitchen remodel.

SuburbanFraggle you have hit the nail on the head. I will talk to him later.

@Henbird - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would be out out if the budget dropped significantly for the 'personal luxurious' present than the practical sofas though...

put out

I'd take the money for the sofas then spend the same on something frivolous for myself. At least you get to choose it then.

Just tell him.

Sounds as if he's not good with presents & so has offered this.

Say you'd rather have a particular item of jewellery instead?

I'd be thrilled tbh. But then for the last 2 Christmas', my requests for a present were a giant, fluffy and expensive cat tree/tower, and a Dyson V11 Absolute. He did question me both times 'are you sure? ', but they were what I wanted.

Many years ago DP bought me 3 bottles of vitamin pills for my birthday. Another time he gave me a new bath because I'd been complaining old one was too short.. managed to have it secretly fitted one weekend when I was away and organised dd to give me a nice box of L'occtaine stuff to go with it. He is the king of practical presents!!! He prefers to buy people things they need and will use.. that's just the way he is.. over the years he's come to understand that I need also chocolate and it will always be used

Help towards buying a sofa is a good present OP and you'll enjoy them for years to come

I do think one is either a 'practical presents' type or one isn't, and never the twain shall meet. ('Practical' isn't quite the right word, either - it's more everyday v luxurious. Some things can be entirely practical and also a wonderful gift. A lovely coat or bag, for example).

I'm with those who think that, as you don't live together, this is a really nice gesture, but if/when things move on to the next stage with you two, I would recommend a chat at some point about how you're going to do gifts from here on in.

Sounds like he's not head over heels romantically in love with you. He's not even suggesting a present or choosing anything; he's just putting money towards an idea you already had as if to just make the stress of choosing a present go away.

I can see why you're a bit "meh". What did he get you for Christmas and valentines? Please don't say he thinks Valentine's Day is a load of rubbish...

Yes apparently Valentines day is a load of rubbish. Over-hyped. I bought a present last year but didn't get anything back so I left it this year (although did get a card). I get when you're an adult with responsibilities it does seem all about the hype. But it's nice to feel special

He's just not that into you, I'm afraid. How did you end up as a couple? Who made the first move?

What would you get if you said no thanks to the money towards the sofa ?

Terrible partner offering to pay towards something you want. Better bin him now so someone more grateful can have him.

See I'm female and I think Valentine's Day is a load of crap. It's ok for teenagers but for two grown up adults I really don't see the point. But then I didn't even bother putting a Xmas tree up this year so I'm probably not the best judge on honouring traditions

People show love in different ways @AnnuvaMuvva

We don't do Valentine's Day either, some years a card and perhaps an M&S meal deal, though we haven't done that in a few years now.

But birthdays and Christmas are for personal gifts .

@cushioncovers I also wonder about this...I suspect that if the offer of the sofa part payment is turned down there may be little else on the cards

A guy offers to help his partner with something she needs means he isn't into her? Jesus fuck what an cunty thing to think.

Agreed @TulipsTwoLips and that is fine but OP has said that she has said to him in the past that she would prefer something more personally for her, not a practical household item and he has not listened so not really 'showing love' particularly well is he? Not in my book anyway!

The same as if a person who expressed a preference for practical things kept getting 'bunches of flowers / perfume' from their partner - that doesn't show that the partner is taking any care to get it right for them. Or put any effort into the buying of the present.

Are you only with him for the money he has and the gifts you were hoping to receive? He’s done nothing wrong except offer to pay towards the sofas that you want, rather than buy jewelry or perfume. And now you’re complaining.

YANBU for not wanting that present but YABU for assuming he'd know that.

When DP (now DH) and I were about to buy our first flat, he bought me a kettle and toaster for my birthday - we'd seen them in the shop and I'd loved them, but sadly accepted that spending £100 on a kettle and toaster combination was silly when we were scrimping to pay for the solicitor's bills. When I opened them on my birthday I was overwhelmed by how thoughtful he was to go back and buy something that I'd loved but accepted I couldn't have, no matter how practical it was!

Similarly when I was suffering from awful morning sickness and all I could stomach was fizzy water he bought me a sodastream so I could have fizzy water whenever I wanted

Practical presents aren't always bad, they're sometimes really, really lovely.

The OP has stated already that she HAS spoken to him in the past about presents and he has ignored it.

@BritWifeinUSA that is such a depressing view! I am with my dh because we love and cherish each other more than anyone else in the world. I want to make him feel like the most important person ever to me, because he is! And he is the same with me. It has nothing to do with money per se but all to do with really really wanting to make the other person feel loved, listened to and special.
Some years our presents to each other are small financially but big on thought and other times it is also nice to indulge if budgets allow.

Similarly another couple might feel exactly the same about their partner getting them a practical present that makes their life easier, safer etc And that is also perfectly fine. Once you feel listened to by the person who is supposed to love you the most.

Feeling not listened to is a killer in any relationship imo

I'd be thrilled. You sound a bit ungrateful if I'm honest.