AIBU - part payment for sofa as birthday present

[Henbird]

So, I am hoping to get new sofas (old ones are 20+ years old and v shabby) and my DP (who I don't live with) has offered to pay for part of the new sofas as my birthday present. I don't want to appear ungrateful but is that a crappy birthday present?? Not that it really has a bearing on things but he earns at least 3 times my salary and previous gifts have included a clock radio and socks. We have been together for 4 years now- again maybe not relevant. AIBU?

I think it is a generous gift - but I am fairly practical.

This reminds me of a story my husband told me about my MIL - my MIL had been talking about how good a certain brand of tyres was and how she would like some of these tyres - and that is what my husband's father bought her for her birthday - 4 tyres. It didn't go down well.

Imo money towards a new sofa shows much more imagination than the flowers/jewelry you suggested! I'd be thrilled.

@mencken
"perhaps time to stop being the girly useless tat type (sparkly crap, smelly crap, flowers that die in a week)"

Or we could accept that some people's (not just women) choices of smelly stuff etc is, perfectly valid and try not equalling girly (female) with crap and pointless.

OP don't put yourself down for liking 'feminine' stuff and wanting a bit of spoiling/romantic gestures. It's attitudes that there's something wrong with these things that is fuelling gender confusion and feeds, into everyday sexism.

You need to tell him what you would like. I think this comes under' love language'. He's practical, but you want something more personal.

If you want something frivilous, take the £300 or whatever that you would otherwise have been spending on your sofa and buy something yourself. The end result is the same as you buying the sofa on your own and him buying you a gift but with the added advantage of being able to make sure the frivolous gift is exactly what you want.

For a start he is your Boyfriend, and a contribution towards something you need is more than acceptable. If he was your Partner he no doubt would be buying the whole sofa. Maybe you should be a bit more grateful. By the way wht do you buy him for his Birthday ?

@OP I don’t think it matters what anyone else thinks here tbh. You don’t want a part payment for a new sofa and that’s ok, whether or not anyone else thinks you’re being ungrateful.

If you don’t like practical gifts there’s nothing wrong with that, as someone that never spoils themselves id rather someone got me something I’d never otherwise be able to get for myself so I completely get where you’re coming from. Sometimes frivolous luxuries can mean a great deal more than the practical!

I think it really depends on how you view presents. YANBU to be upset if you would like a present that you wouldn't buy yourself and have made that clear to him in the past (not just hints - actually said to him). YABU to be upset about what is actually a pretty generous gift (unless he doesn't like sitting on your current old sofas and is actually wanting you to buy something he likes - so a self serving gift). Also, does this gift put you under pressure to buy something that you don't have the money for at the moment? That is also relevant. If you feel you are being pushed into spending money you don't have on something you would carry on doing without otherwise then perhaps that is effecting your feelings about the gift. IMHO if someone wants to buy you something then they should pay for the whole thing rather than give you only part of a present unless you actually ask for money towards something. Gifts of part of a present which put you under an obligation to pay out more money are not really gifts.

He can buy me a new sofa if you don’t want it!

YABU and ungrateful.

I think that’s a great gift. But then again I asked for a Dyson v10 from DH for Christmas, which I got and love!! 😊

What @KidLorneRoll said

You want new sofas.

Partner has offered to help you buy something you want.

What a bastard.

Maybe as he doesn't live with you he thinks it would be a nice present not just a practical present? Even half a sofa is quite a large purchase these days so I don't think it's stingy.

You’re expecting different things.
He probably thinks he is being lovely and helpful.

lol at 'girly useless sparkly stuff'- you mean like thoughtful jewellery that lasts for ever? Unlike a sofa which will be on a skip in 10 years time. I wear the ring my (not then) husband bought me every day of my life. It wasn't expensive, just meaningful.

I do agree though, that everyone prefers different things and interprets gifts differently- my mum and her husband don't ever exchange gifts, as long as there's an open discussion and no resentment, it's fine.

I would not like this at all as a gift. But I get that we are all different.
We're married 16 years and together 21 soon and we have always given each other something personal for birthday / Christmas. Dh buys me things that I do not receive from other people - perfume that really like, but mostly jewellery which I love. I'm super fussy about it and he knows what I like.

I also adore flowers and he always gets me a beautiful bouquet for our winter wedding anniversary. These thing could be considered frivolous but they make me feel like he understands my need for some 'luxury' and non-practical things even if there are a million practical things that need to be sorted / bought. I do the same for him - buy his favourite whiskey / aftershave etc.

I certainly don't think half a sofa is a stingy present, neither is a dyson, or an expensive steam iron, or a kitchen aid, but I personally would not want any household item as my present.

If he's generally a bit crap at gifts I can see why you'd feel it's not especially thoughtful, it's a bit like paying a bill. Although it's generous it's not very personal.

Op if you’d rather pay for the sofa yourself just say. Thanks for the lovely offer, but I’ve got it covered. Maybe some inexpensive jewellery or flowers instead.

No biggie.

Kind of depends how much you want the sofas. Maybe he's more practically minded than romantic? Would a £15 bunch of flowers really mean more than £100 or however much towards the new furniture you want?

If you lived together I'd consider it more cheeky because it would be his too. But maybe in future start dropping hints about things like earrings a month or so in advance. If he is hearing things like "I can never find socks" or "I need a new radio" he'll probably pick up on that.

I have asked my DH for a carpet cleaner for my upcoming birthday, I’m very excited! But if you wanted something more romantic like jewellery I can see why you’d be annoyed.

Just to be clear I don't think he is being stingy at all. It's really not about the money, it's more about wanting something personal/a luxury which I have spoken to him about in the past but perhaps haven't made it clear enough. I like the idea of a wish list.

But why would flower (for instance) mean he would buy a £15 bunch if he was willing to pay £100 towards a sofa. In that case I would like a £50 huge bouquet and a £50 bottle of perfume etc...

Personally I think it's a generous gift. I'd be more than happy with that, but if you prefer something else you'll have to tell him, rather than whinging about it online. He won't be able to mind-read that you don't like what he buys you.

My DP is a crap present buyer, but he's got better since I informed him I like practical presents. This year we're going halves on some nice garden furniture for birthdays as neither of us can pick out anything else we're bothered about.

@Henbird how long are you together?
I think you need to be clear with him that you do not want practical presents but you want something luxurious that you might not buy for yourself.

No, it's absolutely a terrible gift Sounds like your partner either sucks at picking out nice gifts, or he's a bit stingy.

I love something from a gorgeous store (Liberty) all packaged up and heavenly looking - gloves / scarf / perfume / beauty product / jewellery (my preferred option!). It brings me huge pleasure and reminds me that life is not always about the drudge of day to day. And everything I use that item it brings a smile to my face and makes me think of my dh with love. I personally can't say the same for a hoover, or a sofa.

I think my point is I would rather save up and buy practical things for myself as I'm not good at buying shiny girly tat for myself which he knows. I will thank him for his generous offer and let him know that I would rather something else.