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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to babysitting

114 replies

Noni8 · 01/03/2020 10:58

Sister and I have always had a strained relationship. She seems cold and distant most of the time. Never any warmth from her however we stay in contact and plan things for our children to do together. I have 2 DC, 4 & 6. Her DC are 12 & 13. I looked after her kids one evening last month. I won't go into all the details but at one point my 13 year old nephew was misbehaving and winding little ones up, calling them names and swearing etc and I told him off. At end of the evening everything was fine and my sister came to pick them up.

The next time I saw my sister she told me I had no right speaking to her children in the way I did and they were crying for hours that night (??) because of me! She said I had ruined their week. I gave her the reasons for telling them off and she said I should have come to her first. I said they were misbehaving in front of me in my house so of course I told them off. Her 12 year old then interrupted in the background saying I wasn't her mum and how dare I tell her off! Hmm My sister let her speak to me in that way and then asked me if I think my kids always come to me whenever something is wrong and have a one sided view. I said maybe but they are 4 and 6, that's normal! I said they don't lie to which she replied 'oh yes they do!' At one point her 13 year old interrupted and my sister replied 'just don't hang around with (my DC) again.' I couldn't believe my sister actually said this. I also want to be clear the whole evening was not me telling her kids off, this happened 3 times max and I also told my own DC to play nicely etc and the rest of the evening consisted of them all playing a game then watching a film. They left smiling. I really am still in shock by this phone call. It seemed like a huge emotional outburst from nowhere. I later received a text message from my sister apologising saying she had a bad day (ironically she is constantly telling her DC off and seems stressed with parenting).

However, after this I vowed never to babysit again and to have a long break from communicating with my sister. I have just received another request to babysit her kids. After all she said I'm surprised she has even asked. How do I politely decline? I want to be firm and say I cannot do that after the last time and all that was said, which I'm still very upset by. But I also don't want another emotional outburst and all this ridiculous drama. Thank you!

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 01/03/2020 12:34

So she has a go at you for telling her children off, let's her children talk to you like shit and then expects you to watch them again.
Nope- great that she's apologised but if my child spoke to my sister like shit I would tell them off myself and expect them to apologise.
Go with what PP said - that works well x

Noconceptofnormal · 01/03/2020 12:36

Just say that you've realised that your parenting styles are very different so you don't think it is advisable that you're put in loco parentis again. She will know what you mean. Just keep repeating if she tries to persuade you.

She's obv a dreadful parent and has also shot herself in the foot with the free, available babysitter.

strawberrylipgloss · 01/03/2020 12:38

" Fuck off you cheeky fucker"
"You've sent this to the wrong person. "
" Since our kids don't get along so it's a no from me" (polite version)

NorthernSpirit · 01/03/2020 12:39

Why does a sweary 13 YO need a babysitter?

No - don’t do it again.

Let her misbehaving kids be looked after someone else who is happy to be disrespected in their own home.

LangSpartacusCleg · 01/03/2020 12:39

‘DSis, after what happened last time, I don’t think that would be a good idea’.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 01/03/2020 12:41

She only apologised because she realised she needed you.

I would say no. Straight up no. And that you don't want her children around yours. And then just black hole.

LagunaBubbles · 01/03/2020 12:45

Why are you so concerned about politely declining? Does your sister normally walk all over you and get her own way?

sonjadog · 01/03/2020 12:49

"Sorry, I can´t babysit for you. I dont think that is a good idea after what happened last time."

PepsiLola · 01/03/2020 12:56

I wouldn't say sorry in my response!!!

Although maybe people are just nicer than me... I would just respond fuck off

CharityDingle · 01/03/2020 12:57

OP, do you really think you would be unreasonable to say no?

faracrossthepond · 01/03/2020 13:07

@Noni8 WOW, 100% for YANBU, that's impressive!

YANBU at all. Your sis is a CF!

LAMPS1 · 01/03/2020 13:09

“Would it not be much better all round if you found a babysitter you and your children respected and in whose judgement you trusted while you aren't there to keep an eye on them. The resulting drama last time was seriously upsetting and I really wish it hadn’t happened.”

You really need an assurance from your sister that she does entrust discipline of her children to you if they misbehave. And at their age, a genuine apology from your nephew and niece too, with an assurance that they respect that your authority is not to be questioned if they make poor behaviour choices.

Dreamscomingtrue · 01/03/2020 13:12

101% now 😉

To say no to babysitting
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/03/2020 13:12

I'd reply with "I'm surprised you asked again after what happened last time, and you telling your DC not to hang around with mine again.
Because of this, and your DC believing they can say and do what they like in my home without being told off, I'm going to say no as I think it's better for all of us if we don't go through this again.
I hope you find another sitter who suits them better"

I really don't think you should put yourself, or your DC, in that situation again. If you're going to be placed in loco parentis to her kids, then they should treat you with appropriate respect.

My brother did similar to my mother - didn't like that my mum told his sprogs off while mum was looking after them - she told him that was fine and she wouldn't be looking after them again then, because she wasn't going to allow them to misbehave unchecked.

NellieEllie · 01/03/2020 13:37

Just say no, it puts you in an impossible situation. You need to be able to tell her kids off if necessary, same as you do yours, and she obviously doesn’t trust you to do so appropriately. Point out that you need to protect yourself as her kids are now aware that she believes them over you. Be really firm about it. You wish you could, but once the trust has broken down as it obviously has, it won’t work.

Deckthehallswithlotsofcake · 01/03/2020 13:45

Your sister has basically told her children that they can be total cunts and she will back them up. Not exactly good parenting.

Thehop · 01/03/2020 13:54

“I don’t think that’s a good idea after last time, but would love to do something all together when you get time?”

FrangipaniBlue · 01/03/2020 14:04

*They are 12 and 13 and are now old enough to not need a babysitter. She can leave them on their own.

No - wait... she doesn't want to do that, does she, because deep down she knows they are little shits and she can't trust them to behave, so they need an adult there to keep them in line.*

Exactly what I was thinking!!

carly2803 · 01/03/2020 14:22

what a cheeky bitch!!!

i agree with the posters who say "after last time, ithink not!"

dont lie and tell her you are busy. be honest, else she will keep asking

Raindancer411 · 01/03/2020 14:26

I would just reply with sorry but we have plans that day and leave it at that for now.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/03/2020 15:02

"The next time I saw my sister she told me I had no right speaking to her children in the way I did and they were crying for hours that night (??) because of me! She said I had ruined their week."

That would be the basis of my answer.

"Best not, last time I babysat them they were crying for hours because of me and I ruined their week. Not sure why you'd subject them to that again."

Maybe sign off with a "XX".

YouJustDoYou · 01/03/2020 15:05

"That's not going to work for me".

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/03/2020 15:07

That’s a perfect reply, @WhereYouLeftIt! Turn her own words back on her.

Durgasarrow · 01/03/2020 15:21

If I didn't have a complicated family, I might think you were crazy for considering this at all. But I do know how families can gaslight you and make you doubt yourself. But if you step back, you would not want a stranger to treat you this way, would you? Your sister is supposed to love you and care for you and have your best interests at heart. She is instead treating you like trash, and encouraging your nephews and nieces to do the same. It sounds as if this is a very ancient pattern in your family, and that this is a way-overdue time for you to put up some walls to stop it. It will never get any easier, so just start now. You deserve it.

thefourgp · 01/03/2020 15:35

What did you do OP and what was her reply?

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