To say no to babysitting

[Noni8]

Sister and I have always had a strained relationship. She seems cold and distant most of the time. Never any warmth from her however we stay in contact and plan things for our children to do together. I have 2 DC, 4 & 6. Her DC are 12 & 13. I looked after her kids one evening last month. I won't go into all the details but at one point my 13 year old nephew was misbehaving and winding little ones up, calling them names and swearing etc and I told him off. At end of the evening everything was fine and my sister came to pick them up.

The next time I saw my sister she told me I had no right speaking to her children in the way I did and they were crying for hours that night (??) because of me! She said I had ruined their week. I gave her the reasons for telling them off and she said I should have come to her first. I said they were misbehaving in front of me in my house so of course I told them off. Her 12 year old then interrupted in the background saying I wasn't her mum and how dare I tell her off! My sister let her speak to me in that way and then asked me if I think my kids always come to me whenever something is wrong and have a one sided view. I said maybe but they are 4 and 6, that's normal! I said they don't lie to which she replied 'oh yes they do!' At one point her 13 year old interrupted and my sister replied 'just don't hang around with (my DC) again.' I couldn't believe my sister actually said this. I also want to be clear the whole evening was not me telling her kids off, this happened 3 times max and I also told my own DC to play nicely etc and the rest of the evening consisted of them all playing a game then watching a film. They left smiling. I really am still in shock by this phone call. It seemed like a huge emotional outburst from nowhere. I later received a text message from my sister apologising saying she had a bad day (ironically she is constantly telling her DC off and seems stressed with parenting).

However, after this I vowed never to babysit again and to have a long break from communicating with my sister. I have just received another request to babysit her kids. After all she said I'm surprised she has even asked. How do I politely decline? I want to be firm and say I cannot do that after the last time and all that was said, which I'm still very upset by. But I also don't want another emotional outburst and all this ridiculous drama. Thank you!

Be honest. Tell her you will not babysit for children who misbehave and who you are not allowed to tell them off.

Just say 'I don't think that's a good idea after what happened last time'.

That way you're not blaming anyone, just declining.

I think you need to have a really honest conversation with your sister about the children. a 13 year old should be on his best behaviour at his aunties house with small children around not swearing at them! tell her in no uncertain terms that you do not want her children around yours if they think swearing and answering back when they are GUESTS in someone elses home. When my kids were looked after by their aunties, then I expected them to behave like guests but also my sister to parent them in loco parentis. Your sister just wants a bit of free babysitting. at the very least both of her children need to apologise to you directly before you even consider doing this again.

CF.
Definitely tell her no, because of the last time.

If you want to be polite tell her that seeing as the children clash, and after all the upset the last time they were together, you think it's best to keep them apart until they've all matured a bit.
Better still just tell the cheeky mare and her bratty kids to get to fuck.

"After last time?! Good god no! I can't have a situation where older children are swearing and misbehaving in my own house, in front of my younger dc, but I'm not allowed to tell them off! You all seemed unhappy with the situation last time so I don't think we should run the risk of it happening again."

I would send this except rather than the first two sentences say "Im afraid I'm not prepared to have a situation . . . etc"

Slightly less confrontational, but makes your position clear.

And stick to you guns if she tries to apologise/ talk you into it. You don't need this stress, and nor do your children. Of course, she won't babysit for you either, but that's no great loss, the example her kids are setting.

I have a strict no babysitting rule. I won’t look after anyone’s child no matter the circumstances. Say you’ve introduced something similar.

I agree with trapped’s comment.....if the children were so traumatised you don’t want that to happen again!

Similar happened with me and my sil....we were not allowed to tell her badly behaved son off...so refused to Jane him .SIL furious and caused a big fuss...went running to MiL .we just laughed to ourselves and from that day never took him anywhere again.

I don't think I've ever seen such a unanimous yanbu!

Not a chance I'd babysit again. Cheeky madam asking you!

In view of the fact that she has obviously also told them that they don't need to take any notice of you because "you're not their mum", I suspect you'd be in for a sh*tstorm of bad language and awful behaviour, too.

YANBU Say no!

It always worries me when children behave badly at play dates or when being babysat, as most kids can be little devils for their parents but angels, or at least more in control of their behaviour, for everyone else. So if they're being awful for you, imagine what they are like for DSis?!!

In replying, I agree with a PP who said, she's going to kick off anyway, so might as well be honest... The 'my house, my rules' is absolutely the bottom line here.

"After last time?! Good god no! I can't have a situation where older children are swearing and misbehaving in my own house, in front of my younger dc, but I'm not allowed to tell them off! You all seemed unhappy with the situation last time so I don't think we should run the risk of it happening again."

This is an excellent response. Tells her exactly what the issue is.

I'd be saying I was not prepared to take responsibility for such disrespectful and ill behaved children again, so that would be a no to any and all future babysitting requests.

Also... hahahahaha... wtf....? NO!!!

Hell No, id never babysit again

Politely decline!?
She is a CF. "That won't work" is the best I would offer.
She can pay for the service elsewhere.

"Ahhhhahhhahhahhaha, no!"

Would be my reply.

When I was young enough to need supervising by kindly aunties, it was made clear to me that if I needed telling off, that constituted "double trouble" as my misbehaviour reflected poorly on her, and Showing Mummy Up was a cardinal crime. I was the only child of a working mum, and spent happy weeks with relatives, when she couldn't get leave, and I loved having other children to play with. Definitely Auntie's house, Auntie's rules!
I can understand her feeling defensive about them being less than perfect, but you resolved the situation at the time, reported back to her, and in my opinion should be thanked for caring for them responsibility.
She is setting her children up to never being invited anywhere, and doing them no favours - or herself, the next time she needs a break!
I'm surprised that you held back when your niece pointed out that you are not her mother, from the riposte "No, thank goodness!" Probably just as well...….

They'd be no polite about it - say HELL NO! you can't trust that you can keep all kids safe because you aren't able to tell them off. So she can go find another mug who will let her bully brats walk all over them.

Please don’t snap at her or insult her. She is a PITA, but she did apologise. Sending snarky texts never improves anything. You’re not living in Eastenders, and would you want to?

Yes she was wrong. Whether you decide to babysit or not, i would respond politely (not fake politely with sarcasm). If you are willing, i would say you are concerned about what happened last time, and you will have one more try but if it happens again you’d better not babysit again as it upsets everyone.

If you don’t want to babysit, just say why not but add something To soften the blow, perhaps say you’re happy to see them all together.

It’s fine for children to know they’ve misbehaved and there are consequences. But a permanent ban seems harsh. And bickering between adults is too childish.

They are 12 and 13 and are now old enough to not need a babysitter. She can leave them on their own.

No - wait... she doesn't want to do that, does she, because deep down she knows they are little shits and she can't trust them to behave, so they need an adult there to keep them in line.

You only need to say two words to her, the second being 'off'.

I stopped babysitting my sisters 4 year old for the same reason. He was spitting and throwing things at my baby and dragging my cat by the tail. While I know he's only 4 I felt a time out was necessary sister walked in while he was sat on bottom stair and went mad saying I had no right to discipline her son. A week later asked me to babysit so txt her back this... Before last week I would have been happy to take him but after the row we had over a time out I don't feel I want to risk another. This is because of YOUR reaction not nephews behaviour.

I felt terrible because I love having my nephew he's usually fun to have around but he's 4 so bad behaviour happens and my poor baby and cat are always targets I can't allow them to be in harms way because I can't discipline my nephew.
Sister didn't take it well though

Ask your self the question why does she need YOU to babysit again if her children were so upset?? perhaps no one else will, everyone has had enough of their bad behaviour. I would be polite, find out if she has an alternative and why she needs the favour, if it's a night down the pub no way, a work shift? I may be tempted but without my own children. I'm saying this from experience as I have a nephew who is a nightmare and no matter what he does his version is believed. If I had my time over again I would definitely say no... in theory but I'm soft hearted and I can't leave people stranded. So it's a Judgement call but whatever happens decline politely so there is no come back.

Mine are 13 and I would be appalled if they behaved in that way.

Your sister has two choices now that the children are older: to not go out, or to leave the teenagers alone for a few hours max if she is only out locally.

You are not an option.

“No” is polite enough.